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I don't know why I care what you think of my writing.
#1
I don't know why I care what you think of my writing.
Here is chapter one something new I am writing.


"Yes," she said as she tried to pay attention to the road and also tried to pay attention to the voice of her roomate. "But no."

"You're not being reasonable," his voice whined through the bluetooth device in her ear.

"Am so," she said as she glared at the slow vehicle ahead of her.

She pressed the iPhone that sat in its charger and the display lit up so that she could see the time. It was twenty-five minutes after noon. She was already ten minutes late and the lunchtime rush hour was only making her later.

"You're in denial," he said. "You need the D, girl"

She rolled her eyes yet smiled at his persistence. "I have found that a grueling jog through the park is more satisfactory than a man.

"The only sweat I have to deal with is my own and I don't have to suffer the post sex awkwardness of everything that he is."

He sighed overdramatically and said, "I guess that I'll just go get some D for myself, then."

"Hey, I didn't say I wouldn't accompany you tonight. I'm just not going to be proactively seeking as you will be. Besides, I need to be there to buffer your horrible decision making skills."

"Hey--"

She interrupted him by stating, "Remember the red head whose tongue was literally licking the inside of your lungs?"

Finally, she saw an opportunity. There was an opening to a less busy side street. She was already late, so going out of the way to reach her destination was not a major concern for her at that point.

She quickly turned the steering wheel and moved away from the congested flow of traffic. A glance at the rearview mirror revealed the empty space being quickly occupied by another vehicle.

"I guess we'll go out, then."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," she said as she turned a corner to make her way toward her destination.

"Oh, that must be needy Patrick at the door. He's ringing the bell with his usual OCD manner. See you later, girl."

The call ended just as she pulled up to her destination. Great timing in one respect, but not so much for the delivery.

It was a typical skyscraper, like all the others in the city. She stepped out of the vehicle, dragging the package along with her, and she closed the door behind her.

After closing the door with her hip, she stood there for a few seconds staring up at the place she had almost daily delivered lunch from her place of employment.

She took a deep breath and made her way to the front door. Once inside, she made her way toward the front desk where a rather unpleasant old woman stood guard.

"You're late," said the female guard who altogether reminded her too much of her mother.

"If I had any control over the traffic, I'd be revered."

She gave me a dirty look as I passed by her and I winked at her. Per usual, forbid change was anything real, she gave me a look dirtier than any infant's diaper.

I covertly flipped her a bird with my middle finger as I passed by, earning from her a scour worthy of praise, and I winked at her once more.

Ahead of me was the front desk where I always dropped the lunch for those who had ordered it.

The front desk clerk was always kind and courteous, and annoying due to his over-compensation toward being kind and courteous.

"Hello," he said with a smile that was annoying. "How was the journey over here?"

"More annoying than you could ever imagine," I responded honestly.

The smile remained on his face, as though he was incapable of understanding reality, and he said, "Thank you for your service."

She honestly wanted to slap him silly.

She turned away from him, took a couple of steps toward the exit, and suddenly a piercing sound invaded her ears.

Then suddenly she was surrounded by idiots with guns shouting and making it obvious with their gestures that she was not permitted to leave.

Through concentration over the unnecessary noise, she learned nothing else.

Men and their guns. It was why she was not fond of either nouns she had provided.

When the noise finally stopped, there was still a ringing in her ears that made the room appear as though it was spinning around her. A guard stepped forward and caught her before she could plummet to the floor, holding her up as much as he was guiding her somewhere.

She was led toward the elevator, accompanied by the guard holding her as well as two other guards. Did they really think she was such a threat that three guards had to escort her?

She watched the numbers on the panel increase as the elevator continued its upward journey. Around floor fifteen she felt a little better as the ringing in her ears gradually ceased.

"What's happening?" she asked, her voice sounding weird to her.

"It will be explained soon enough, miss," said the guard who still held onto her.

What did she know about that building? She had never paid too much attention, considering that most buildings in the city were a conglomeration of different companies merely occupying a single building.

"Are you gay?"

The guard next to her did not react, but she looked past him and noticed the strange look from the guard beside him.

"I only ask because a straight man has not held me this close in a long time."

Laughter erupted in the elevator, but not from the emotionless man who held onto her.

"Well, at least someone laughed," she said. "Am I allowed a call to my lawyer?"

There was no response, which informed her that something very illegal was taking place. It was alright, for she could take care of herself. They could not legally hold her there all night. Her roommate would contact the authorities if she did not show up for their night out on the town.

She remained silent until the door finally opened on floor fourty-two.

And then she screamed like a lunatic, only to get hit in the head by the guard holding her.

She glared up at him as he lead her down the hallway. She wanted to kill him more than anyone she had ever met in her life.

She caught the eye of the other guard and she said, "I'm not kidding. He's dead."

She was led to the end of the hallway where a well dressed female stood guard.

The female guard was not what would have been expected, because she was actually attractive. Not supermodel attractive, but she was not hideous.

"I'll take it from here," said the the female guard in a tone of voice that was both authoritative and pleasing.

The gay guard handed her over without a word. She looked back at him and gave him a dirty look as she was led through the door.

"I hope you were not mistreated," said the female guard.

"I was, actually. I deserve an understanding of what is happening as well as a call to my lawyer."

"You'll have your answers soon enough," said the female guard. "You'll learn this has been done to protect you."

She did not state anything. Rather, she allowed herself to be led down the corridor and into a room where she was left alone with a man in a lab coat.

It was a typical office. There were credentials on the walls. The man himself, a Randolph Hooge, sat across from her and stared at her with eyes that were very kind.

He was a very handsome older man, gray hair to signify his age, yet his brown eyes betrayed his age for those eyes signified a youthfullness not yet spent.

"Hello, Randy," she said.

He gave her a complex expression indicative of confusion. Then he returned to himeself and said, "You saw the plaques on the wall."

"I did," she stated quite simply.

He stared at her for a long while. A long, long while.

He broke the silence by stating, "Why do you think you are here?"

She blinked and said, "I was informed you would let me know why I was dragged her against my will."

"There is a quarantine in the building. We should all be safe."

"So some medical experiment went wrong, wonderful," she said. "How are we guaranteed that we are safe?"

He was silent. She knew what that meant. There was no guarantee.

"They took the necessary precau--"

Suddenly, the man before her began to choke to death. He writhed around on the floor, flailing his limbs as though he was dancing to some popular song.

People entered the room, surrounding the man who was obviously dead, and she slipped away from there.

She made her way down the hallway and toward the elevator Just as she pressed the button, the door opened and guards stepped out. Surprisingly, they ignored her and moved past her to make their way toward the man who had died in front of her.

The elevator ride down was peaceful. Too peaceful. There were no interruptions.

She watched the numbers on the panel, and when she saw that she had reached the first floor she sighed in relief. She exited the elevator and made her way to the entrance.

There were no guards to prevent her from leaving, but the front doors were locked. She pushed and pulled, but the resistance was on the side of the building.

"Hello?" asked a definite female voice.

She turned away from the exit to the building and looked at a woman who seemed to know something in reference to knowledge.

"Who are you?" she asked, staring at a woman who had not kept up her appearance as she should have.

"It matters not at this point who I am. Do you want to survive?"

She nodded and the woman to whom she was responding turned around to walk away.

"Wait," she said as she followed the woman through the lobby and into the cafe.

In the cafe, she saw the woman make her way into the kitchen.

She made her way there as well. In the kitchen, smelling of foods long past cooked, she saw a shadow across the wall. She followed after that shadow until she was in front of a freezer.

The door to the freezer was open and the only person she could see was the woman that had led her there, beckoning her forward.

She shook her head, yet the woman's beckoning seemed more insistent.

"If you wish to survive, you must join me in here."

She did not understand how she could survive in a freezer as opposed to outside of it. She shook her head, and the woman before her seemed to wither.

Then the woman's withered hand stretched out and took hold, dragging the hesitant woman into the freezer.

There was a whisper as her body was dragged into there.

You are now safe.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
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#2
RE: I don't know why I care what you think of my writing.
Good stuff! I liked it. Would you mind if I made some comments?

Quote:"Yes," she said as she tried to pay attention to the road and also tried to pay attention to the voice of her roomate. "But no."

This could be worded in a manner that flows more easily to the reader. Something like: "'Yes,' she said as she attempted to focus simultaneously on the road and the voice of her roommate," or something a little different like, "'Yes, she said, struggling to divide her attention between the road and the voice of her roommate."

Quote:She took a deep breath and made her way to the front door. Once inside, she made her way toward the front desk where a rather unpleasant old woman stood guard.

This would be a good opportunity to take advantage of description. Telling the reader that she is unpleasant does paint something of a picture for the reader, but using different ways to describe what makes her look unpleasant will lead the reader to make that conclusion themselves, and also get a better picture of this lady.

Quote:I covertly flipped her a bird with my middle finger as I passed by, earning from her a scour worthy of praise, and I winked at her once more.

I think you meant "scowl" instead of "scour"?

Quote:The front desk clerk was always kind and courteous, and annoying due to his over-compensation toward being kind and courteous. "Hello," he said with a smile that was annoying. "How was the journey over here?"

Same thing as the older lady from before. The narrator has obviously had past experience with the clerk, referencing that and adding more descriptors can make for a better read. But I like "he said with a smile that was annoying," that's a great line. Got a chuckle out of me.

Quote:Then suddenly she was surrounded by idiots with guns shouting and making it obvious with their gestures that she was not permitted to leave. Through concentration over the unnecessary noise, she learned nothing else. Men and their guns. It was why she was not fond of either nouns she had provided.

The narrator is oddly calm here. The first reaction to a loud alarm and men with guns closing off the area is her thinking, "Oh, idiot men with their guns." Not to mention that when a loud alarm goes off in a building and armed guards roll through, the alarm hardly seems unnecessary.

Quote:"Are you gay?"

The guard next to her did not react, but she looked past him and noticed the strange look from the guard beside him.

"I only ask because a straight man has not held me this close in a long time."

Ha, I like this line a lot.

Quote:The female guard was not what would have been expected, because she was actually attractive. Not supermodel attractive, but she was not hideous.

Same as earlier. Use description so the reader can conclude that she is attractive. Just saying she was attractive doesn't make for engaging writing.

Quote:He was a very handsome older man, gray hair to signify his age, yet his brown eyes betrayed his age for those eyes signified a youthfullness not yet spent.

Yeah, this is better. There should be lines like this, or more, for every new person the narrator comes across. The reader will be more immersed that way. I have a much clearer understanding of Randy than any other character thus far.

Quote:Suddenly, the man before her began to choke to death. He writhed around on the floor, flailing his limbs as though he was dancing to some popular song.

I know what you're going for, but now I'm laughing because I'm picturing somebody dying to "Fire Burning on the Dance Floor."

Quote:People entered the room, surrounding the man who was obviously dead, and she slipped away from there.

She made her way down the hallway and toward the elevator Just as she pressed the button, the door opened and guards stepped out. Surprisingly, they ignored her and moved past her to make their way toward the man who had died in front of her.

The elevator ride down was peaceful. Too peaceful. There were no interruptions.

To be honest I'm kind of confused. The lack of any sort of emotional reaction from the narrator doesn't make sense to me. She watched somebody she personally knows die right in front of her, and she has no immediate reaction. She slips out and then has a peaceful elevator ride. Unless she murdered him, but the rest of the chapter doesn't seem to imply that.

Quote:. . . a woman who seemed to know something in reference to knowledge

This is redundant.



Overall, it's good. You have a good story going and I am definitely curious as to what is happening and why it's happening. I think your biggest weakness is the lack of description. You want the reader to feel like they're part of your story. The point of first-person narration is for the reader to be as heavily immersed in your world as possible, as well as to convey all the thoughts and emotions running through the narrator's head. At times it feels like I'm on the outside looking in, which is not a comfortable or engaging position for the reader. Also, if you add more life and description to everything your narrator encounters, you'll be able to fill paragraphs as opposed to only having one or two sentences per line.

Be sure to post more so I can read it!
[Image: nL4L1haz_Qo04rZMFtdpyd1OZgZf9NSnR9-7hAWT...dc2a24480e]
Reply
#3
RE: I don't know why I care what you think of my writing.
Is there a reason why only one name is used? This randy person.

Everyone else is known as she, he, people, female guard, gay guard.

I can understand not knowing the guards names but the woman talking to the man at the beginning seems like the main character.

Also the gay guard got the title "gay guard" out of nowhere. One moment the woman is speculating on if the guard is gay or not and the next he's just known as "the gay guard"


Are you ready for the fire? We are firemen. WE ARE FIREMEN! The heat doesn’t bother us. We live in the heat. We train in the heat. It tells us that we’re ready, we’re at home, we’re where we’re supposed to be. Flames don’t intimidate us. What do we do? We control the flame. We control them. We move the flames where we want to. And then we extinguish them.

Impersonation is treason.





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