Understanding Narcissism

[Edwardo Piet]

But those suffering with NPD supposedly project a false self-image of thinking highly of themselves but in actuality they consider themselves worthless and they feel lots of shame. They have a grandiose false self-image and that is why they crave so much attention and feel depleted without it. They need others to feed their own weak self esteem. They hide behind an inflated false self. They are emotional vampires. They feed off of Narcissistic Supply which they are addicted to.

That's my dad. NPD to a tee. Which is why I'm so opposed to religion. It's served as his primary enabler.

My dad too. Very very very very very very much so.

He'd have a 2 hour conversation with a plumber. And by conversation I mean monologue. And by monologue I mean his life story. He'd take credit for mine and my siblings' achievements. He idealized me as his favorite and scapegoated my siblings. But being spoiled and favored by him was not all good for me. Far from it. I'm the one who ended up on an acute mental health ward 3 times, my first breakdown being after me and my family left him. He made my emotional needs dependent on his praise. He also put enormous pressure on me and told me I could be the best in the world at everything. He pushed me so hard it was unbelievable. And whenever he was unpredictable, manic, confusing, callous and cruel he would say he was just being honest or in some cases he would say it was a joke and say his sense of humor was 'zany'. One of his favorite lines was "there is so much in me" (referring to his intellect) and another was "I've got two first class with honors degrees" and another was "You're a genius just like I am."

I haven't seen him in over 10 years. His intentions towards me I think were always good but by 'me' I mean the idea of me in his head as nothing more than an extention of his own brilliance. He liked to say he was jealous of no one whereas deep down I believed he thought he was inferior and he was always buying self help books and trying to copy successful people. His behavior did not match his words but I think he was actually so extremely honest to the point of speaking sincerely even when the result was nothing but hurting people and worsening matters for everyone including himself. Truly brutally honest but also self-decieved I think: He could genuinely believe what he was saying but it would be bullshit because he'd be in denial about who he is. I think he was a very jealous person who believed others thought he was brilliant but deep down he just wanted to be like people he thought were amazing and he pretended he only admired them even when clear resentment was present when he was frustrated that he could not be as brilliant as he believed they were.

[Excited Penguin]

That's touching, Ham, I'm sorry to hear that about your dad .

Hug!

[Edwardo Piet]

[Edwardo Piet]

It's not all bad. A lot of my wit and sense of humor and sillness and enthusiasm and intellectual curiosity comes from my dad and I have very very many happy memories with him too. He would talk to me about anything. I would say his conversationalism was his greatest quality, if I had to pick one. I loved him very much and I hope he's happy.

[Whateverist]

Translation: 

Narcissism, in it's most horrendous form, allows the narcissist to continue manipulating and abusing their victim. Once a narcissist has made a decision, he/she will stop at nothing to hurt their victim and then swoop in to become the rescuer, thereby creating a constant supply on which to feed. Unless the victim finally becomes aware of this tactic, they will forever be left wondering what they did wrong to deserve the kind of often confusing treatment they receive from the narcissist. Meanwhile, the narcissist, having love-bombed their victim, is put on a pedestal by the victim because of the successful manipulation by the narcissist. The narcissist knows this is all a game of cat and mouse and loves to use their victim as a play toy. Once the victim becomes wise to the narcissists tactics and they can see through the narcissist's mask, the narcissist either promptly disposes of the victim, in search of another or they beg for another chance, often promising to change, but rarely are capable of doing so. 

Removing the narcissists mask is also a surefire way to ensure that more desparate actions are to follow if the narc cannot find a new victim for their need of supply.

I think you may just be using your ex as the definition for "narcissism" when he may have something far worse.  Could he be a psychopath or just some garden variety mean, sadistic SOB?

[Gemini]

That's my dad. NPD to a tee. Which is why I'm so opposed to religion. It's served as his primary enabler.

My dad too. Very very very very very very much so.

He'd have a 2 hour conversation with a plumber. And by conversation I mean monologue. And by monologue I mean his life story.

That is so much like my dad it's scary. I'm reluctant to talk to people at all because I don't want to be like him. Boorish and imposing.

He'd take credit for mine and my siblings' achievements. He idealized me as his favorite and scapegoated my siblings. But being spoiled and favored by him was not all good for me. Far from it. I'm the one who ended up on an acute mental health ward 3 times, my first breakdown being after me and my family left him. He made my emotional needs dependent on his praise. He also put enormous pressure on me and told me I could be the best in the world at everything.

I was only in the mental health ward once. Because I don't believe I had to deal with the extremity of what you did. But my dad did put pressure on me. From my earliest memories, his plans for me were as grandiose as they were poisonous. I was never going to be the next Spielberg.

He pushed me so hard it was unbelievable. And whenever he was unpredictable, manic, confusing, callous and cruel he would say he was just being honest or in some cases he would say it was a joke and say his sense of humor was 'zany'. One of his favorite lines was "there is so much in me" (referring to his intellect) and another was "I've got two first class with honors degrees" and another was "You're a genius just like I am."

I haven't seen him in over 10 years. His intentions towards me I think were always good but by 'me' I mean the idea of me in his head as nothing more than an extention of his own brilliance. He liked to say he was jealous of no one whereas deep down I believed he thought he was a favor and he was always buying self help books and trying to copy successful people. His behavior did not match his words but I think he was actually very honest to the point of speaking sincerely even when the result was nothing but hurting people and worsening matters for everyone including himself. Truly brutally honest but also self-decieved I think: He could genuinely believe what he was saying but it would be bullshit because he'd be in denial about who he is. I think he was a very jealous person who believed others thought he was brilliant but deep down he just wanted to be like people he thought were amazing and he pretended he only admired them even when clear resentment was present when he was frustrated that he could not be as brilliant as he believed they were.

That's an incredibly perceptive explanation of what was going on with your father. Yes, I think you're right. At least as far as my dad goes. He was never able to accept his intellectual limitations. His gullibility. And there's a part of me that wishes he would accept his imperfections. That he would just be a normal human with fallibilities, who I could bond with. But I'll never have that. He'll always be on the next narcissistic high, believing he's gonna write the next blockbuster screenplay, or Christian ministry. 

But I haven't cut him out of my life. Even though he'll never accept me being transgender, or even talk to me about my kids or anything to do with my family. He uses me and my family for something to do during the holidays, so he doesn't have to confront the fact that he's a lonely miserable SOB. And I can't seem to stop enabling him in that.

[Edwardo Piet]

I don't want to cut him out, I have to. Unfortunately he eventually became far worse than anything I described. The first 14 years of my life was happy, the next 4 years became increasingly more dysfunctional to the point of the family fleeing from him.

[Edwardo Piet]

I was never going to be the next Spielberg.

He told me I would be a world class computer gamer and win tournaments online, he told me my electronic music would become extremely successful and he told me I would become rich playing professional poker. He told my brother his art was not just amazing (it really really is, my brother's art is amazing) but he also said he would be the next Leonardo Da Vinci.

That's an incredibly perceptive explanation of what was going on with your father. Yes, I think you're right. At least as far as my dad goes. He was never able to accept his intellectual limitations. His gullibility. And there's a part of me that wishes he would accept his imperfections. That he would just be a normal human with fallibilities, who I could bond with.

My dad wouldn't just not accept liminations but he wouldn't accept ordinariness. That's why he was always proud of being weird, wacky, zany, different. He instilled that in me so hard that I don't like being ordinary myself, in the sense that ordinariness bores me. I love weirdness.

But he went further than finding ordinariness boring. He was against healthy balance and moderation and normality, he'd rather fail than be average. He said that 99% of people are like sheep and are stupid and that him his wife and his children were part of the 1% who are geniuses and different.

It took me years even after leaving him behind to consider 'Normal' as anything but a pejorative I was raised to take this:...



... literally and very very seriously.

But I'll never have that. He'll always be on the next narcissistic high, believing he's gonna write the next blockbuster screenplay, or Christian ministry. 

My dad too. Merely the crazy goal-setting itself is enough to send him on a high until he inevitably has to deal with his highly idealistic delusion of grandeur, get depressed again and then move onto the next crazy goal.

You ever seen that episode of The Simpsons where Homer joins a Biker gang and says something like "A gang! That's the answer!" and Lisa says "answer to what?".

My dad was doing that all the time. When he was on his next high it would start with "Aha! THAT'S the answer" before he inevitably realized it was all bullshit and recharged before moving onto the next "answer".

Answer to what? Life the universe and everything. His favorite number was 42 after all.

He's an extremely interesting human being... but not always in a good way!!!!

[Excited Penguin]

Hey, 42 is one of my favorite numbers as well. Of course, I also have 7, 14, 16, 21, 27, 32, 36, 70, 77...

I sometimes just count the letters of whatever it is I'm reading just to reach a point where a word ends with my count coinciding with one of those numbers, or even better, when a sentence does.

It's not an OCD type thing, though, just something my mind does whenever I'm bored and absent.

[paulpablo]

Just in reply to the first post, as far as I understand (from doing some google searches) narcissists don't have a typical healthy love for themselves.

They have an exaggerated view of their own importance and an excessive need for admiration.

Because these things are exaggerated and excessive and dependent on other peoples thoughts, that's why they need validation so badly.

Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else might have already said on the thread.