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[Catholic_Lady]

Best wishes and thoughts to you CL, I cannot imagine how difficult all of this must have been, and continues to be.

I don't know if you are interested in advice, and if this is too forward, please just ignore it.  I think you should talk to your husband about your feelings.  Perhaps they will change if you give yourself a little more time to mourn, but you shouldn't feel rushed into a pregnancy you aren't ready for.  I don't know how old you are, but women can and do have healthy pregnancies commonly into mid to late 30's nowadays, so unless you are like 38, don't feel rushed. I've known women who have lost babies and then born perfectly healthy ones after, so agree with others on that.  But your emotional readiness is very important, too, don't ignore your own feelings on the matter.

Again, best wishes and hugs!

Thank you Aroura. 

I'll be 31 in February. So, you're right that it's not too old to start having kids. I guess this whole thing just made me lose confidence in my body's ability to make a baby. I do feel encouraged when I hear stories of women in the 30's and 40's having perfectly healthy babies.

[c172]

My baby's autopsy report finally came back... which we've been waiting for since he died in August. 

They confirmed a lot of the stuff they saw on the sonogram: poor brain development, delayed anatomical development, an enlarged and dysfunctional placenta, and some deformities to the face. They were not able to confirm or rule out that he had spina bifida, which was something else they thought they might have seen on the sonogram. 

I have spina bifida. As any of you may or may not know, spina bifida has several forms, and each case requires different services---surgically, vocationally, socially, etc. Some folks with spina bifida die quite early. Maybe 20's even (we have difficult urinary systems and woundcare needs, both of which potentially are life-or-death issues). I, myself, am 40. Karin Muraszko, M.D., is chair of neurosurgery at the University of Michigan Health System and taught CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta when he was a resident there. She is 61 (?) and has spina bifida. 

http://www.cnn.com/2016/04/27/health/tur...-muraszko/

Some of us have cognitive impairment. Others don't. Some stand, crutches or not. Others, like Dr. Muraszko, use a wheelchair. 

My SB is attributable to my biological father's involvement with the Vietnam War. He was exposed to Agent Orange. But other SB cases are attributable to an insufficient level of folic acid intake, apparently. So, if you're worried about that, ask your doc about folic acid. 

I wanted to respond more generally to the rest of the OP, but I need to reread it. Either way, good luck with whatever comes next for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

http://spinabifidaassociation.org/expectantparent/

[Edwardo Piet]

I wish you the absolute best of luck if you are to try again in future, CL. I'm not a theist but if I were one it would be very worthy of my prayers. If you're going to have a child I want everything to be as fortunate as possible.

[Catholic_Lady]

Thank you for the info, C172. You are a great example of people with SB who can go on to have a great life and to do well and to live long.

It's the unknown that would worry me if my baby had it. As you said, it can cause early death and/or mental impairment.

You seem like an extremely strong and confident person, but as I said on my post: my husband and I are both very sensitive people. And I assume any child we make would be the same way. If kids made fun of my child at school or were mean or whatever because of his condition, he/she would be so sad, and it would break my heart to pieces. I'm afraid he/she would be unhappy with themself and lose confidence and just be sad.

[c172]

Valid concerns. Able-bodied folks (or just majorities in general) can sometimes be cruel, whether intended or even not. Lots of bullies in America. This latest election is kind of showing that to be the case.

[Doubting Thomas]

I'm not going to offer any advice because I'm sure you have already heard plenty, so I will just say that I'm sorry for your loss and wish you best of luck in the future for having a healthy child or children as the case may be.

[Shell B]

I had no idea you lost your baby, CL. I'm at a complete fucking loss. That's horrible. I don't pray, but I know people who do, so I'll pass the word along.

I would just say "forget it". Not because I don't want a baby, but because of the fear.

Ahhh, first you said you didn't want a baby anymore. Then, you said it was because of fear. We honestly barely know each other, but I have a lot of experience in the trying to have a baby, baby isn't happening, convince myself I don't want baby department, so I'm going to dare to give you my opinion. My advice (please feel free to tell me to go fuck myself. I won't be offended) is not to let fear make your decisions for you. Definitely give yourself time, but ultimately do what you want, not what your anxiety wants. (That's kind of a general rule for people with anxiety. You can thank my therapists.) As for your age, settle down, sweetie. You're very young. My grandmother was in the second half of her forties when she had her final two children. Both sharp as tacks. I know it's anecdotal, but loads of women have healthy babies at much more advanced ages than yours.

You need more time, I think. Don't rob yourself of the time you need to heal because you think you're running out of time.

All the best, in all sincerity.

Update: It's been sent down the family prayer vine. I don't know where it goes from there, but I'm sure they know what they're doing.

[Catholic_Lady]

I had no idea you lost your baby, CL. I'm at a complete fucking loss. That's horrible. I don't pray, but I know people who do, so I'll pass the word along.

I would just say "forget it". Not because I don't want a baby, but because of the fear.

Ahhh, first you said you didn't want a baby anymore. Then, you said it was because of fear. We honestly barely know each other, but I have a lot of experience in the trying to have a baby, baby isn't happening, convince myself I don't want baby department, so I'm going to dare to give you my opinion. My advice (please feel free to tell me to go fuck myself. I won't be offended) is not to let fear make your decisions for you. Definitely give yourself time, but ultimately do what you want, not what your anxiety wants. (That's kind of a general rule for people with anxiety. You can thank my therapists.) As for your age, settle down, sweetie. You're very young. My grandmother was in the second half of her forties when she had her final two children. Both sharp as tacks. I know it's anecdotal, but loads of women have healthy babies at much more advanced ages than yours.

You need more time, I think. Don't rob yourself of the time you need to heal because you think you're running out of time.

All the best, in all sincerity.

Thank you. I lost the baby at 23 1/2 weeks gestation. But we had known for a month prior to that, that he would not make it to term. I was basically a walking hospice for the last month of my pregnancy. 

I'm sorry to hear about your baby dilemma. You never fully appreciate other people's pain until you get a taste of it for yourself. 

Thank you for the advice. Yes, I want a baby. A healthy one. What I meant was that if it were entirely up to me, it feels like it wouldn't be worth going through the anxiety and fear that would come with it. Fear that there might be something wrong like there was last time. And I would just say forget it. It's the desire to make my husband a happy dad that is my main motivation right now for not giving up. 

But you are right. Anxiety and fear shouldn't influence such a big life decision. Ultimately I do very much want a baby.

[Doubting Thomas]

My wife & I didn't have children until 10 years into our marriage due to fertility problems. Do I wish we could have had them earlier? A bit, but we got to have 10 years of quality time together before starting a family. And now we're mature enough to handle the daily chore of raising children.

[Catholic_Lady]

Update: It's been sent down the family prayer vine. I don't know where it goes from there, but I'm sure they know what they're doing.

Wow, thank you for this.