Fuck this stupid fucking country

[Aroura]

We were so excited to come here. We told or daughter what a great experience she was going to have, one most other kids don't get a chance at. How lucky she was to get such a worldly education!

So she worked hard, did middling well in German public school, learning a new language while trying to also keep up on other studies is difficult. She practiced math at home, and did biology and history units during her vacation. She was growing to hate school. She had to work twice as hard to do half as well.

We decided to put her in a private school this year, where they teach primarily in English. After a battery of tests, they told us they want her to repeat 5thgrade.
Mind you 5th grade in German public school is the beginning of high school. They must go between classes to different classrooms and teachers. At this private school they do it the English way, so 5th grade is still primary school, so back to a single classroom with colored markers, gluesticks, and scissors....and children a year younger than her.

We asked why? We're her test scores so poor? No she did quite well in math and reading comprehension. She needs work in writing but its not poor, just middling. But they said they think she'd do better emotionally, and because she's physically small. No details. She's a bit emotionally immature, by which I mean she likes to play with toys and on the playground as opposed to sit around and gossip. She makes friends easily. She even had friends from other countries over to our house multiple times.

She's extremely discouraged that all of her hard work means nothing. She was terribly excited to get into this new school where they teach in her language. Now she's just back to hating school, and asking us what's the point? She's in her room crying and what can we do except tell her it isn't her fault? We have no recourse. We can put her in german public 6th grade where she'll struggle, or back in 5th grade at this private school for a grand a month to learn shit she already knows. This is our worst fear. No matter what she'll now resent and hate school.

I can only hope she actually finds she enjoys not being challenged. It'll be an easy year for her, doing art, playing, and math she already knows. But she'll still have that tiny resentment, that knowledge that her hard work in school was a complete waste of her time.

I can't even express how upset i am. I would give absolutely anything to get on a plane and go home and put her in 6th grade like she belongs.

I hate this place. It has not been some worldly grand adventure, or even just getting used to something new, but a series of difficulties leading to worse and worse difficulties. I'm sure there have been good things but at this moment with my childs education, one I have personally spent all of my free time on for years, hanging in the balance and going down the shitter.

[Silver]

It is true that a fresh start somewhere else is not always better; I am personally learning this the hard way. However, I am going to build up my will to persevere and make myself less human in order to survive.

I empathize with your daughter, and it cannot be easy for you to see her suffer thus. I hope she finds the will to make the best of her new situation, and I know you will be there to guide her to the best of your ability.

[I_am_not_mafia]

Are there other schools you can look at? What do they say at toytowngermany.com? One of the most infuriating things about living in Germany is how obstinate they can be about enforcing the system.

I remember going from a school I was happy at, to another school where I got immediately bullied. To make matters worse, they started the year at the beginning of a book that we had just finished the year before at the previous school. I went from being top of the class to bottom. I didn't see the point of it all. To be honest in hindsight, I still don't see the point of anything I was taught at that school.

If she stays challenged eventually the hard work will pay off, especially when all her peers are struggling to learn her native language or to learn about things that she already knows about.

I think that it's probably more important to show her that somehow her hard work has eventually paid off, even if it's not quite in the way that she expected or even if she can't yet see how it will.

No way would I hold back any child of mine, especially not paying an extortionate amount to do so. It's always seemed to me that teachers have a different set of priorities. They have to deal with classes of children. They don't really care so much about what's best for the individual, especially in a country like Germany with more rigid systems in place.

The way you describe her as being emotionally immature actually describes what I was like as a child (although I didn't have any friends). I think people vastly underrate play. The whole point of it is to expand the mind and to try out new possibilities rather than get stuck in a rut.

From what you say, it sounds like she was excited about this new school so she could be taught in her own language. But if her German language skills were better then this wouldn't be a problem. Easier said than done I know. Learning a second language is extremely time consuming and tiring, especially when you have to do it and your poor language skills become an obstacle rather than something that you can improve to achieve a sense of reward. My husband and I were happy to temporarily move back to Scotland so we could have a break from struggling to get by with a second language.

---

By the way, just to add, one thing I learnt about living in Germany is that you have to sometimes be prepared to fight your corner. Coming from a culture where you can expect customer service, probably more so in the US, it can be infuriating coming across the attitude where people just want to do their job with the minimum of hassle. And they get away with it if you struggle with the language and are less confident in using it.

But having German relatives, I've often seen them resort to ranting when need be. Do not be afraid to be forceful in this regard. Tell the English speaking school that you are not prepared to have your child hang back a year. People just want an easy work life. They may object but tell them in no uncertain terms of what you want. Be prepared to walk away.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Probably not the best idea to criticize Germany while you're IN Germany. Poland tried that and look what happened.

Boru

[pocaracas]

Anything that's different tends to become a problem to surpass.
I'm with Mathilda, try to set up a new meeting with that English school and try to make them accept your daughter for 6th grade instead of 5th... be prepared to take responsibility for that bit of potential emotional trouble that they think she she may get.
My 14 year old kid still plays with dolls... action figure like ones, or lego minifigs, but they're still dolls.... and, being a boy, still plays with cars. What's wrong with that? Nothing. They're kids, not machines. Each has her/his pace and the important bit is to stay with kids their age, otherwise they tend to stagnate their growth.
I trust that, being an all English school, you can speak with these people in English, right? That should make your life easier.

And don't chuck the whole country out the door. I'm sure you've found a number of things that you thought were actually better than back in the US...

ps: In Portugal, 5th grade (10 year olds) is also the start of high-school. Just saying that it's not the same in every european country.

[brewer]

Does the private school want your money or not?

[Alexmahone]

Probably not the best idea to criticize Germany while you're IN Germany. Poland tried that and look what happened.

Boru

I think you missed that the Nazi Party was dissolved after WWII.

[Aroura]

We discussed it, and the issue if we force it and are prepared to walk away, is that she will then be stuck in the public school system for another year, where she may not get the education she needs....again. There are no other options here. It's public or this one private. So a shitty public 6th grade, or a nice private repeat of 5th. That's what we must choose. Also, school starts Monday, so we must choose now. She must be registered for an appropriate school by NEXT WEEK or we lose our visa's.

We did email the principal. He said she'd be continuously evaluated, and if they deemed her too frustrated or bored in 5th, they would move her to 6th.

We've talked to our daughter, and though she was terribly upset at first (and I'm sure she will continue to have pangs of worry about it), we tried to find the silver lining. She'll have an easier time than last year for sure, and she'll have a chance to really master some skills and make friends in one classroom.

Since we don't really have any good choices, we are going to have to suck it up and make the best of it. IDK, it means she'll be starting Junior High with all the other kids starting when we get back to America, not in the middle of it when cliques have formed, so that might be an easier transition, too. She'll be 12 going into 7th grade, and 14 going into high school, 18 at graduation. So she won't be wildly out of sync at all. IDK, I'm still extremely upset but I want to calm down and help her try and enjoy the school.

We told her not to think of it as repeating, since she only spent the last 3 months in classes other than German, math and Art, but instead imagine she finished 4th grade, then had a full year of a foreign language, and is now actually starting 5th grade. It's the best spin we could think of.

[Angrboda]

I don't know what to recommend as a mom, but from my experience, being challenged is better than being bored. I'd put her in the public school, even if it is a struggle for her, and she might resent it. Again, not a mom speaking, but that may ultimately be better for her.

[Silver]

Public school usually gets a bad reputation. I'll leave it at that, because there are so many things I could state that I just don't want to right now.