[Serious] Atheist married to Pentecostal. Anyone else in this situation?

[hayabusa2003]

New member here. Hello first of all. I am in a situation that I'm afraid is quite delicate and was wondering if anyone else has ever found themselves in a similar situation. This post will be lengthy so bear with me. I found this site and registered to hopefully find someone who can give me some advice. I have been married for almost 12 years. I am an atheist and my wife is a Pentecostal Christian. We have 3 children. When we get together she we was a church goer but wasn't exactly a practicing Christian. Recently she was "born again". She is a part of the Pentecostal church, speaking in tongues, shouting, the whole ball of wax. I grew up in the church as well. I came out as as an atheist in my teen years and distanced myself from the faith as much as I could. But I feel in love with her and have tried to put up with her faith as best I could. We have had some very heated arguments over the years over religion unfortunately. I'm to blame for most of it. Since she was "saved" though, I find myself just wanting to distance myself from her. I grew up watching these ppl practice their religion and I just cannot stomach the fact that she behaves that way in church. I have not seen myself but have heard that she goes all out in church. I have always thought of myself as an ANTI-theist. If you're reading this then you're probably wondering why I married a Christian. Best answer I can give is it just worked out that way. I do love her very much. Recently though I have been thinking very heavily of divorce. Very serious doubts and problems have arisen within myself with my marriage. I'm wondering if we'd both be better off if we just separated. I'm so confused and don't really know how to move forward with my problem. I can't ask her to change because for one she won't, and for another it's not fair to ask to start with. Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like mine? Civil responses plz, I'm well aware of the severity of my situation so I don't need it pointed out in a cruel manner. Thank you for your time.

[Mister Agenda]

Not married to a Pentecostal but was raised by them. My SO is ex-Baha'i vaguely theist and we just don't argue about it; neither of us feels that strongly about it and she does not attend. So I don't have that hard a row to hoe compared to you. I've seen a marriage torn apart by one spouse losing their religious belief while the other retained theirs but not one an atheist married a Pentecostal before.

It seems in this instance she has changed, going from 'mildly religious' back serious Holy Roller; while you maintain roughly the same stance. If it was me, with so much invested in the relationship, and not having to go see her acting that way in church; I think it's something I could live with; but it's clearly distressing to you.

If the difference were something else, I'd suggest compromise; but you can't really expect a fundamentalist to compromise on their religion.

The only advice I can give is to tell her, gently, how you feel. Not that you want a divorce, she should not be hearing about that until you've explored other options, but she needs to understand that it really bothers you. And seek non-pastoral counseling; or if she must have it that way, both pastoral counseling and counseling by a qualified secular marriage counselor as well.

Best of luck, I would not want to have to wrestle with what you're going through.

[no one]

Asking for change may be unfair, asking for compromise, isn't that what marriage is all about?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Have you considered becoming Pentecostal yourself?

Boru

[hayabusa2003]

Not married to a Pentecostal but was raised by them. My SO is ex-Baha'i vaguely theist and we just don't argue about it; neither of us feels that strongly about it and she does not attend. So I don't have that hard a row to hoe compared to you. I've seen a marriage torn apart by one spouse losing their religious belief while the other retained theirs but not one an atheist married a Pentecostal before.

It seems in this instance she has changed, going from 'mildly religious' back serious Holy Roller; while you maintain roughly the same stance. If it was me, with so much invested in the relationship, and not having to go see her acting that way in church; I think it's something I could live with; but it's clearly distressing to you.

If the difference were something else, I'd suggest compromise; but you can't really expect a fundamentalist to compromise on their religion.

The only advice I can give is to tell her, gently, how you feel. Not that you want a divorce, she should not be hearing about that until you've explored other options, but she needs to understand that it really bothers you. And seek non-pastoral counseling; or if she must have it that way, both pastoral counseling and counseling by a qualified secular marriage counselor as well.

Best of luck, I would not want to have to wrestle with what you're going through.

Thanks for the reply. Yes it is very distressing for me. So much so that I've pondered for months now about whether I wanna be married to a full blown "holy roller". It's like a solid wall is between us and it's one that I can't get through. She's on one side and I'm on the other. Neither of us are changing our views and so here we are in this situation. I don't wanna end up the villain here. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I definitely don't wanna hurt my wife or kids. It's kept me up nights wondering what to do. Doesn't help that I have no one to confide in. I live in an area dominated by the Pentecostal faith. I know of no other non believers so I stand alone here. 

[chimp3]

New member here. Hello first of all. I am in a situation that I'm afraid is quite delicate and was wondering if anyone else has ever found themselves in a similar situation. This post will be lengthy so bear with me. I found this site and registered to hopefully find someone who can give me some advice. I have been married for almost 12 years. I am an atheist and my wife is a Pentecostal Christian. We have 3 children. When we get together she we was a church goer but wasn't exactly a practicing Christian. Recently she was "born again". She is a part of the Pentecostal church, speaking in tongues, shouting, the whole ball of wax. I grew up in the church as well. I came out as as an atheist in my teen years and distanced myself from the faith as much as I could. But I feel in love with her and have tried to put up with her faith as best I could. We have had some very heated arguments over the years over religion unfortunately. I'm to blame for most of it. Since she was "saved" though, I find myself just wanting to distance myself from her. I grew up watching these ppl practice their religion and I just cannot stomach the fact that she behaves that way in church. I have not seen myself but have heard that she goes all out in church. I have always thought of myself as an ANTI-theist. If you're reading this then you're probably wondering why I married a Christian. Best answer I can give is it just worked out that way. I do love her very much. Recently though I have been thinking very heavily of divorce. Very serious doubts and problems have arisen within myself with my marriage. I'm wondering if we'd both be better off if we just separated. I'm so confused and don't really know how to move forward with my problem. I can't ask her to change because for one she won't, and for another it's not fair to ask to start with. Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like mine? Civil responses plz, I'm well aware of the severity of my situation so I don't need it pointed out in a cruel manner. Thank you for your time.

22 years myself. She passed away lat May. Miss her. So do our children. We had divorced the year before, not because of religion.

[Abaddon_ire]

New member here. Hello first of all. I am in a situation that I'm afraid is quite delicate and was wondering if anyone else has ever found themselves in a similar situation. This post will be lengthy so bear with me. I found this site and registered to hopefully find someone who can give me some advice. I have been married for almost 12 years. I am an atheist and my wife is a Pentecostal Christian. We have 3 children. When we get together she we was a church goer but wasn't exactly a practicing Christian. Recently she was "born again". She is a part of the Pentecostal church, speaking in tongues, shouting, the whole ball of wax. I grew up in the church as well. I came out as as an atheist in my teen years and distanced myself from the faith as much as I could. But I feel in love with her and have tried to put up with her faith as best I could. We have had some very heated arguments over the years over religion unfortunately. I'm to blame for most of it. Since she was "saved" though, I find myself just wanting to distance myself from her. I grew up watching these ppl practice their religion and I just cannot stomach the fact that she behaves that way in church. I have not seen myself but have heard that she goes all out in church. I have always thought of myself as an ANTI-theist. If you're reading this then you're probably wondering why I married a Christian. Best answer I can give is it just worked out that way. I do love her very much. Recently though I have been thinking very heavily of divorce. Very serious doubts and problems have arisen within myself with my marriage. I'm wondering if we'd both be better off if we just separated. I'm so confused and don't really know how to move forward with my problem. I can't ask her to change because for one she won't, and for another it's not fair to ask to start with. Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like mine? Civil responses plz, I'm well aware of the severity of my situation so I don't need it pointed out in a cruel manner. Thank you for your time.

As an atheist with an ex wife who was RCC, I hear ya. And you can tell from that it did not end happy.

Or did it? My two kids are godless heathens through no effort of mine beyond leading by example. And when I say "kids" my eldest will be an adult in a few months. Even worse, their mother has started to abandon the faith, which was rather surprising to me, or in other ways not. She was my wife once upon a long ago. I knew the cynical crap she engaged in for no purpose other than career advancement and she was quite upfront about her motivations. Purely venal.

So how did that work in reality? Well, she dragged the reluctant kids to mass every Sunday and left me at home. I refused to provide any support for those cross dressing perverts. 

This caused her problems. She had to somehow explain WHY I was not obliged to go to them. This provoked the kids to open that conversation with me. "Why don't you go to mass, Dad?".  I could do nothing else but be honest. So I told them that I do go to church when social norms require it. Births Marriages and deaths and so forth. But I don't believe a word of the nutty claims. I go for respect for my friends. Not some imaginary deity. 

Of course the Hex wife fought back, right up until the kids point blank refused to go to mass. I have great respect for my kids for having the bottle to do that. It was easy for me, not so much for them.

All of this changed, of course, when morsel #1 turned out to be trans, and morsel #2 turned out to be Bi.

Now her faith condemns them to eternal damnation.

In fairness, She bailed at that point. But it was far too late to salvage the marriage.

Very early in the discovery of the nature of my childrens revalation, they described their fear of the threat of being thrown out on the street by their mother. That is what religion does. 

And my response to that? I went and got a key cut for my home and gave it to them with the words "that is an empty threat. You will always have a home".

.

[brewer]

New member here. Hello first of all. I am in a situation that I'm afraid is quite delicate and was wondering if anyone else has ever found themselves in a similar situation. This post will be lengthy so bear with me. I found this site and registered to hopefully find someone who can give me some advice. I have been married for almost 12 years. I am an atheist and my wife is a Pentecostal Christian. We have 3 children. When we get together she we was a church goer but wasn't exactly a practicing Christian. Recently she was "born again". She is a part of the Pentecostal church, speaking in tongues, shouting, the whole ball of wax. I grew up in the church as well. I came out as as an atheist in my teen years and distanced myself from the faith as much as I could. But I feel in love with her and have tried to put up with her faith as best I could. We have had some very heated arguments over the years over religion unfortunately. I'm to blame for most of it. Since she was "saved" though, I find myself just wanting to distance myself from her. I grew up watching these ppl practice their religion and I just cannot stomach the fact that she behaves that way in church. I have not seen myself but have heard that she goes all out in church. I have always thought of myself as an ANTI-theist. If you're reading this then you're probably wondering why I married a Christian. Best answer I can give is it just worked out that way. I do love her very much. Recently though I have been thinking very heavily of divorce. Very serious doubts and problems have arisen within myself with my marriage. I'm wondering if we'd both be better off if we just separated. I'm so confused and don't really know how to move forward with my problem. I can't ask her to change because for one she won't, and for another it's not fair to ask to start with. Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like mine? Civil responses plz, I'm well aware of the severity of my situation so I don't need it pointed out in a cruel manner. Thank you for your time.

Shit happens. The "born again" thing ruined my second marriage. Happened in the third year, she got sucked in by the nondenominational fundies. I attended a couple of times to see what was what, 5 hours of church on Sundays, women cover their heads and can't speak, sit in silence until the spirit moves the men to preach, no friends outside of church, got the hard sell anytime I did see the church folks, ................ you probably know their drill for heathens. Anyway, we held it together for another 4 years but the time together got worse and worse. At the end, god told her to get rid of me. It may end the same for you. I recommend that you start protecting your assets. Losing the house, car, kid, half my retirement investment and 1/3 of my paycheck all at once sucked. But I got over it.

Now I'm married to a cafeteria catholic. We get along just fine, our theism/atheism is treated with humor.

And I hear from the kid that the ex no longer attends church.

BTW, Welcome to the forum!

(POE?)

[tackattack]

People changing from what they once were seems to be hard on a lot of people nowadays. You either love the person or don’t. If you only love someone as the were you’re not really loving someone. We are all a culmination of who we were, are and could be. IMO, when u love someone it’s all of them.

[brewer]

OP: If you come back, tell us about your donor cycle.