Does marital reconciliation work?

[Cinjin]

"just friend" usually mean she harbor the hope of stringing you along as a backup without any cost or commitment on her part, but if you refuse, she won't feel desolated by any means.

Chuck's right. Plus, you said it yourself - 17 years.

For 17 years she's gotten everything she's needed from you. She's a user. She takes what she needs and gives only enough to keep you around.
Cut your losses and go. Remember that the phrase "I can't live with her and I can't live without her" will always eventually come to one choice ... live without her.

[Doubting Thomas]

I have to agree with the consensus here. If she wanted to be with you, you'd already have her. She either sees your relationship as simply platonic, or she's just using you as a crutch to get through bad times. But you have to face the facts that you'll never be with her no matter how much you wish you could. The reason you're angry is that you thought you had a shot when she got a divorce, but since she didn't come running to you I'd say that's not going to happen.

I doubt the reconciliation will work. Sounds like her ex is going back to her because his new girlfriend dumped him. If you want to stay her friend then just be ready to pick up the pieces when her life is shattered again, but if you're tired of just being a crutch you might want to distance yourself and find someone you can actually share a relationship with. If the reconciliation doesn't work out you might get your hopes up again which will only be dashed again.

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

"Counseling: Something where somebody tries talk you into doing something you wanted to do anyway, or fails to talk you into doing something you didn't want to do at all."

Pithy; I've been a Lifeline counselor. A good counselor gets you to make the decisions,presenting only options,and does not have a personal agenda. Choosing not to change or do nothing are THE most common decisions. People can and do change ,but rarely on demand.

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The question is between whether you force the issue with her directly and today, go on with your life and wait for the rebound, or drop her altogether (don't take her back if she comes back). I don't see another option, but then I'm not you

Thank you Aerzia and everyone else who has commented.

I've already forced the issue and locked myself into a hard position. I sent another letter today, after talking to my only real friend,whom I've known for near 40 years and trust with my life. He also happens to be a registered psych nurse/qualified psychotherapist AND barrister (like a US ADA) He's a bit bright.


I quote part of the letter for those interested:

You say you love me dearly. I believe you,I believe you also love your dog dearly. I believed you when you said you did not want the marriage back. I believe you love X more than me. You do not get to have X and me both. You get to keep your dog.

Please don't tell me when the wheels fall off your freshly painted little red wagon. (and they almost certainly will) Please never again assume my feelings or resolve have changed or imply yours have by contacting me,unless you've had an epiphany. With that miraculous event little piggies will fly around your kitchen as you decide you love and want me as a man,rather than as a fucking lap dog. I'm unable to lend you my piggies.They're in the bin with your shredded photo.

I don't know what it will take for me to trust you again, but quite a lot more than words of endearment. Turning up on my doorstep wearing only a raincoat and a smile would be a good start. I kid you not.

There's a lot more,I had a quite cathartic little rant. Some of it was a bit unkind. My intention was to hurt her ego,so she will leave me the fuck alone.I think this may have done the trick. Of course I want her back,I'm nuts about her .BUT,there's an "imbalance" in our feelings for one another. Ain't gonna happen,ever. I've had two major loves in my life and several minor ones. (my ex wife was one of the minor ones) This one has been the most important to me. I'm 63 and hormone production has reduced a lot in recent years. What is left is a visceral love of and desire for only one woman. If I can't have her, I'd rather be alone. Stamp foot! (oh fuck,I hurt meself).

[Rayaan]

There's a lot more, I had a quite cathartic little rant. Some of it was a bit unkind. My intention was to hurt her ego, so she will leave me the fuck alone. I think this may have done the trick. Of course I want her back, I'm nuts about her. BUT, there's an "imbalance" in our feelings for one another. Ain't gonna happen,ever. I've had two major loves in my life and several minor ones (my ex wife was one of the minor ones). This one has been the most important to me. I'm 63 and hormone production has reduced a lot in recent years. What is left is a visceral love of and desire for only one woman. If I can't have her, I'd rather be alone. Stamp foot! (oh fuck, I hurt meself).

In a situation like this, I think you did the right thing by telling her to leave you alone. And if you said it like you mean it, then you shouldn't feel bad about it in the future, even though you were a little bit harsh in your reply. But ultimately, what matters is that you said whatever you wanted to say.

As for the highlighted parts, it looks to me that you were really emotionally attached to her. But now, you just have to unattach yourself. That's going to be better for your health. It may be very hard at first, since you said that you deeply loved her for 17 years, but with time, patience, and strength, I think you should be able to do it. Otherwise, you're just going to be hurting yourself. Sometimes you should stop listening to what your heart wants and listen to what your mind is telling you.

Also, try to discontinue contacts with her from Facebook, e-mails, and whatnot, and concentrate on other things in your life and do what you love doing. Good luck in everything.

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Thank you everyone for your caring,I deeply appreciate it.

TO THE BELIEVERS HERE: This is the second real love of my life. The first one was at age 20,when I was still a devout Catholic ,youth leader,'living the apostolate",the whole nine yards. I prayed my arse off,not to get her back,I respected her decision. I prayed for God to take away my despair or a least ease the anguish I felt. He did not. I fell out of my little pram,just as I have now. THE difference today is I have the confidence I can deal with this trauma with my own inner strengths,insight and perseverance, all of which are considerable. PROOF: I've overcome TWO addictions without any help from an imaginary friend: Alcoholism (since June 30 2002) and a 70 day cigarette addiction (14 January 2003)


NOTE TO ADMIN: Perhaps time to lock this thread. I've become a bit obsessive and am playing with my poo.: