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Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 12:40 am
(This post was last modified: May 19, 2011 at 12:43 am by Oldandeasilyconfused.)
I ask this because I've been having what can only be described as "a platonic affair" with a woman who is the love of my life, for the last nine months.
She lives in Townsville,over 2000 miles away. .We've been emailing,chatting on Facebook, and phoning.I've been up to see her twice and was going up again in 2 weeks. She's been down here twice although not specifically to see me.
Hubby left her over a year ago. They had been together for 8 years,married for 4 years.Since he left,she's been alone, miserable and very lonely. He's had a girlfriend,and was still seeing her in February, but I don't know since then. She contacted me in September last year,telling me (after 8 years) that she still missed me and still loves me.
Last Sunday (may 14) I received a normal chatty email,telling me about the new TV. In the last , 2 sentence paragraph, she told me she and he are reconciling. I presume his idea;she had told me she did not want the marriage back.She wants us to still be friends,ending with "please believe I love you dearly"
My knee jerk but visceral response was that I believe she loves me dearly, just as she does her dog, and in about a 1000 word rant, to fuck off and leave me alone. I ended with "Please don't tell me when the wheels fall off your freshly painted little red wagon. (and they almost certainly will)"
I'm guess I'm asking for opinions from sheer schadenfreude.What are the chances of the reconciliation working? I think minimal,but I'm far too close to be objective. I want the opinion of some disinterested third parties.
Why am I so bitter? I wasn't exaggerating in calling her "the love of my life". I've been in love with her for seventeen years. This is the third time I've lost her. I'm fed up and feeling more than a little pathetic and ridiculous as well as deep anguish.
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 12:52 am
(This post was last modified: May 19, 2011 at 1:13 am by Eudaimonia.)
There is no relationship with someone who is already gone...
When you think you deserve better.. You will seek out better..
IMO.. unless you want to be trailing after her I'd go attempt everything I could to redirect my emotional fulfillment elsewhere..
Hard to do.. But just based off of what you presented here.. I see no point to torturing yourself with what ifs..
I'm a big fan of mutual involvement.. and I don't wait around for the other person to figure it out...
If she wants you.. She will be with you... She's chosen already...
Please move on with your life...
*I'm sorry btw* :-(
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 1:24 am
That's right - Fuck her. She's going to just get trapped again and you don't want to see that happen again.
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 2:03 am
Thanks guys. I feel a bit more rational.
Quote:When you think you deserve better.. You will seek out better..
A cliche,but you're right.
There's a 'but'--- I'm not looking,as in not interested. I wasn't looking when we we first got involved in 1994. It was almost exactly 2 years after my divorce.She she chased me until I caught her. I ended 'the friendship' when she got married. To be blunt,the jealousy drove me nuts.That's was in 2002.I didn't move on so much as inside and away from. (I'll pm you) Eud)
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 3:14 am
Reconciliation probably will not work in this case but, your problem is that she just wants to be friends.
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 4:20 am
(May 19, 2011 at 3:14 am)Minimalist Wrote: Reconciliation probably will not work in this case but, your problem is that she just wants to be friends.
Thanks Min;that's what I was looking for. -it actually IS about schadenfreude right now,as I'm still feeling all devastated and have been running on adrenalin since Sunday.
I'll probably crash at about 8 pm and repeat tomorrow. I expect this patter to continue for probably another week. Then I'll start getting back to my normal nasty,bitter,cuntish self ,and laugh the fatuous spectacle I've made of myself over a silly and shallow woman who is not worth the candle. 
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 5:07 am
... I don't think I will ever understand "just friends". When I hear it, I understand what's about to happen (and in my short life it hasn't failed so far... perhaps I am unlucky). I state to them that it is what will happen, soon even, and despite typical denials to the contrary it occurs.
Your case could be different though... you've been 'in love' with her for as long as I've been alive. You've had her at least three times (else you could not have lost her three times) over that period. I imagine you've heard all of these lines before... she'll be back. You said yourself that you're not looking and not interested in someone else...
The question is between whether you force the issue with her directly and today, go on with your life and wait for the rebound, or drop her altogether (don't take her back if she comes back). I don't see another option, but then I'm not you.
Please give me a home where cloud buffalo roam
Where the dear and the strangers can play
Where sometimes is heard a discouraging word
But the skies are not stormy all day
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 5:41 am
"just friend" usually mean she harbor the hope of stringing you along as a backup without any cost or commitment on her part, but if you refuse, she won't feel desolated by any means.
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 7:51 am
No, I don't think marital reconciliation works. Some couples may need to spend time apart and grow during the separation, but exes are exes for a reason. For instance, me an my first ex are finally, after 5 years, on friendly terms again. But he always seem a bit bitter for me leaving him, so I can't imagine how taxing it would be, if we were together again.
I think you were in a truly unfortunate situation, I do believe that she did/does love you, but that isn't always enough. It would seem she loved two persons at once, her husband more than you. I sincerely wish you good luck, that you can get over her and find someone else worthy of your love.
When I was young, there was a god with infinite power protecting me. Is there anyone else who felt that way? And was sure about it? but the first time I fell in love, I was thrown down - or maybe I broke free - and I bade farewell to God and became human. Now I don't have God's protection, and I walk on the ground without wings, but I don't regret this hardship. I want to live as a person. -Arina Tanemura
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RE: Does marital reconciliation work?
May 19, 2011 at 7:53 am
"Counseling: Something where somebody tries talk you into doing something you wanted to do anyway, or fails to talk you into doing something you didn't want to do at all."
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