Favorite Quotes by Comedians

[Shell B]

This thread is simple. Post your favorite quotes/jokes by comedians. Maybe we will all find some good comedians we had not heard of until this thread.

Here are a few of my favorites.

"I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them." ~ George Carlin

"It's a fucking pocket pussy that is shaped like a flashlight "for discretionary jacking off." That way if you get caught,
no one thinks it's weird. You're just a guy who likes to fuck his flashlight." ~ Seth Rogen in Zack and Miri Make a Porno

"Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced azaleas." ~ Steve Martin in The Man With Two Brains

[Minimalist]

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Jay Leno

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
— Richard Jeni

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Elayne Boosler

There are people who believe that humans and dinosaurs co-existed. And what this is, plain and simple, is a psychotic reaction. They are crazy. These people are stone-cold fuck nuts. I can't be nice about this, because these people are watching the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
--Lewis Black

I went away for two weeks and I came home and its illegal to be Mexican in Arizona. I didn't see that coming at all. That is the most racist shit I have ever seen and I'm BLACK!
--Alonzo Bodden

[Jaysyn]

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant."

“See I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do, and if you don’t believe drugs have done some good things for us, do me a favor, go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn ‘em. Because you know what, all those musicians who made all that great music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs.”

"Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love."

“Its not a war on drugs, its a war on personal freedom its what it is ok. Keep that in mind at all times. Thank you.”

"Here is my final point...About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography...What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those who are having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I'll answer it for you. NONE of your fucking business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go fucking on a vacation out of my life."

[Faith No More]

I've got to add this one to the Bill Hicks drug quotes.

Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them … are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.

[Shell B]

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" ~ Daniel Tosh

[Minimalist]

Rodney Dangerfield:

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

[Cinjin]

[Pope Alfred]

From Tommy Cooper:

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

[Rev. Rye]

Goddamit, If I posted all my favourite Emo Phillips, Bill Hicks, Woody Allen and Bob Newhart lines, we'd be here all day.

[Diamond]

"God doesn't hate gays. He's just mad because they found a loophole in his system."-Daniel Tosh