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Catholic humor
June 24, 2011 at 12:18 am
(This post was last modified: June 24, 2011 at 12:48 am by liferocks.)
Hey, I was born a Catholic, baptized a Catholic (not my choice), and raised a Cahtolic. My mom is still a devout Catholic but I'm know she won't mind this. Great nun joke I just found in cybersapce and have to share:
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver can't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he says, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She says to him, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that would offend me."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She says back, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver gets really excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun gives him a kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU BELIEVE, THE GREATEST GIFT TO MANKIND IS THE GIFT OF LIFE.
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RE: Catholic humor
June 24, 2011 at 4:40 pm
(This post was last modified: June 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm by LastPoet.)
Ok, I can contribute to this 
Two priests and two nuns are travelling in a plane, suddenly the engines started to fail and one of the priests calls the other and say:
-Listen, we only have 2 parachutes so grab one, I'll grab the the other.
-What about the nuns? - says the other
-The nuns? Fuck'em!
-And we have time for that?
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RE: Catholic humor
June 24, 2011 at 5:39 pm
"The U.S. Cardinals said they are going to develop a code of ethics to help them deal with the sexual scandal. Wait a minute, I thought their already was a code of ethics, it's called the Bible." —Jay Leno
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
Einstein
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.
- John Lennon
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RE: Catholic humor
June 24, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Hold on, some Father Ted quotes need to go here!
Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.
Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?
Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
Einstein
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.
- John Lennon
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