Irish Golfer/Indian Driver - Jokes Thread

[KichigaiNeko]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs,and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer Golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.'

[Faith No More]

You're on a roll today Kichi.

[KichigaiNeko]

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

[KichigaiNeko]

You're on a roll today Kichi.

Hey FNM!!

Old friend of mine must've gotten his computer fixed....30 of these jokes. AF.org only gets the best ones though

[KichigaiNeko]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four
separate jars.

The first worm was put
into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a
container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a
container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the
Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.




Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.




Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,
What did you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

[leo-rcc]

A man walks into a pub with his monkey. He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey gets out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.

The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard." says the man.

About two weeks later, the man comes back to the pub with his monkey. While he's drinking at the bar, his monkey gets out of control again. The monkey finds a grape at the bar, picks it up, sticks it up his arse, and then eats it.

The landlord,having seen this,asks the man: "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No" says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it!" the landlord tells him.
"Well, what do you expect?" asks the man, "Since that pool ball he measures everything first.".