Some advice from an old broad who's been to more than a few rodeos.
I've been married twice, once to the wrong person and once to the right one. I gave 13 years to the wrong one, even without the complication of children. From all outward appearances, we had a good marriage. He was kind, smart, fun, loving in his way. But we simply didn't "fit." To the astonishment of many (he was also financially very comfortable), we parted ways. Best thing I ever did, even though terrifically painful in the moment.
Eight years later, I met a man online who turned all those same keys to which you refer. We became great friends, didn't really expect a "love" match as he lived in Australia and I in the States. After a time, he came for a visit. Oh, dear, chemistry. Someone had to make a really big move. Took us a couple of years, but we got it done. I had 6 wonderful years in his company before he died.
People always talk about how much work a relationship is, and yes -- you should brush your teeth every day, do special things and generally not take things for granted or let yourself go to pot. But really? When you're with the right person, it's not that hard. Even moving planets in middle age to get on the same continent was comparatively trivial to us in exchange for being with the right person. We meshed together easily and happily, and it never changed to the day he died.
My daddy always said, "You need three things for a a relationship to be successful: Love, lust and like. The love and the lust are easy. The like is the hard part, but it's the bit that will get you through the tough times." He was right. I had a psychology professor once who asserted that the only difference between how you treat your best friend and your lover should be sex. I remember when he said it, I thought he was nuts. But you know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right: Why would I give my best friend more patience, more consideration, more honesty, more thoughtful gestures or more trust than I give to the person whom I profess to love more than any other in the world?
So here is what I would ask you: Do you like your wife? Do you treat her as well as you treat your best friend? Have you afforded her the same considerations and thoughtfulness? I think it would be good for you to explore these issues before deciding what is best to do in your circumstances. In a healthy relationship, it's not that hard to keep the love/lust/like alive. I remember the very last night I spent with my husband before he died... we had dinner guests, and he was "on." He regaled our friends with his wonderful stories -- he had such a gift for gab -- until our friends were literally crying with laughter. I sat across from him, watching, and thought to myself how very lucky and happy I was to be married to this fantastic man. It never changed, not from the first day to the last. And that's the relationship you should have.
Best to you. It's not at easy decision, either way.
I've been married twice, once to the wrong person and once to the right one. I gave 13 years to the wrong one, even without the complication of children. From all outward appearances, we had a good marriage. He was kind, smart, fun, loving in his way. But we simply didn't "fit." To the astonishment of many (he was also financially very comfortable), we parted ways. Best thing I ever did, even though terrifically painful in the moment.
Eight years later, I met a man online who turned all those same keys to which you refer. We became great friends, didn't really expect a "love" match as he lived in Australia and I in the States. After a time, he came for a visit. Oh, dear, chemistry. Someone had to make a really big move. Took us a couple of years, but we got it done. I had 6 wonderful years in his company before he died.
People always talk about how much work a relationship is, and yes -- you should brush your teeth every day, do special things and generally not take things for granted or let yourself go to pot. But really? When you're with the right person, it's not that hard. Even moving planets in middle age to get on the same continent was comparatively trivial to us in exchange for being with the right person. We meshed together easily and happily, and it never changed to the day he died.
My daddy always said, "You need three things for a a relationship to be successful: Love, lust and like. The love and the lust are easy. The like is the hard part, but it's the bit that will get you through the tough times." He was right. I had a psychology professor once who asserted that the only difference between how you treat your best friend and your lover should be sex. I remember when he said it, I thought he was nuts. But you know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right: Why would I give my best friend more patience, more consideration, more honesty, more thoughtful gestures or more trust than I give to the person whom I profess to love more than any other in the world?
So here is what I would ask you: Do you like your wife? Do you treat her as well as you treat your best friend? Have you afforded her the same considerations and thoughtfulness? I think it would be good for you to explore these issues before deciding what is best to do in your circumstances. In a healthy relationship, it's not that hard to keep the love/lust/like alive. I remember the very last night I spent with my husband before he died... we had dinner guests, and he was "on." He regaled our friends with his wonderful stories -- he had such a gift for gab -- until our friends were literally crying with laughter. I sat across from him, watching, and thought to myself how very lucky and happy I was to be married to this fantastic man. It never changed, not from the first day to the last. And that's the relationship you should have.
Best to you. It's not at easy decision, either way.
