Hi Folks. This is my first post (from the US) and I hope this is the right place to write. I'd like your advice about my fundamentalist Christian inlaws in this country's bible belt. I'm 51, I realized I'm an atheist in my 20s, I've been married for 28 years, and I'm endured by them. I think they know my non-beliefs, but it's never talked about. (They used to think I'm a Catholic, which is how I was raised - the bastards - and /that/ was considered bad enough when I was dating. [1])

To the point, I'm sick and tired of enduring the heartfelt, earnest, and serious short prayers my wife's family does at meals when we visit them. (We visit them only 1-2x/year, thankfully.) I find them deeply offensive and repellant. For almost three decades I've been silent during these prayers, just sitting with my eyes open and passively waiting for it to end, but I'm ready to push back, and I'd love your advice on how to do this.

I like the idea of "I respect your right to have beliefs, but not necessarily the beliefs themselves'" (love the sinner, hate the sin? :-), and I don't want my wife to be to discomfited or my inlaws to feel personally attacked.

Maybe I could stand or leave the room during them (explaining why), or (at the other extreme) disrupt during the prayers, but that seems extreme, given that I'm not technically family.

Any thoughts would be helpful, thanks!

[1] My to-be mother in law told my wife that "I'd almost rather you marry a black man than a Catholic." Sweet.

To clarify, this is occurring in their home, not yours ??

If so, your recourse is to not go.

It is their house so, you go, you clam it or don't go. But theists do however have a double standard, atheists are still expected on their own turf to allow them to do the same thing.

Yes, sorry - it's their place. Re: not going, that's a good point, though in my case I want to be with my wife and daughter to and from the trip. Also, my wife is a black sheep of the family, and my being along helps her. Thanks for the reply!

(June 7, 2014 at 9:11 am)vorlon13 Wrote: To clarify, this is occurring in their home, not yours ??

If so, your recourse is to not go.

Before you take any action, discuss the issue and your ideas with your wife. I am assuming that getting your message across to her parents isn't worth the potential bad feelings between the two of you. For the one or two occasions that you spend with them each year, it might be best to just go along with the prayer or at least observe respectful silence.

But that advice is based only on what you explained of your situation, if there are other details that might change my opinion. I am also wondering how your wife feels about the racist remark from her mother and if her parents still hold to such views, and how it affects her relationship with them.

It's their place, just take it like a man and ignore their talk to the wind.
It's their place, you're eating their food... ignore those ~30secs of droning and think about the food you're about to eat... hoping you're getting a nice repast!

There's no point in making waves, unless your goal is to be shut out of their lives... and with you, your wife may also get shut out of her parent's lives... which is usually a bad idea.
If you were to tell us they were doing that in your place, then you'd be entitled to let them know that you prefer they didn't do that there... as it is their place, shut it and enjoy your meal.... talk about other things, afterwards, like gay marriage!

Or Tony Alamo, or Tami Faye Bakker, or Jimmy Swaggart . . . .

I think you should employ humor. Like bless all of the food you like, but rant on about how the pinto beans are from da devil, and you will shun and rebuke them with the power of the lord!

(June 7, 2014 at 9:08 am)matthewcornell Wrote: I like the idea of "I respect your right to have beliefs, but not necessarily the beliefs themselves'"

In general, religious people find those two concepts inextricable; disrespect their beliefs and you disrespect them.
Also, pocaracas makes a solid point.

Don't forget to repudiate the figs.