I came out to her about my new lack of a belief in a God or gods, and she's treating it as if I have died. She's not saying I'm dead to her, but she is mourning my loss of faith as if I had died. She asked if this means I wouldn't be singing any Christian songs anymore, and my best answer was "I'm sorry." She started crying.

I know it meant so much to her that I stayed Christian, and sing Christian songs, and such, and after coming out to her, I now feel as though I killed her inside and I feel guilty inside. How do I handle this? I'm worried that she may blame herself.

if she does blame herself its not your fault.
its all on her.

What would you do if you saw your mom distressed about something beyond your control?
Comfort her, help her accept reality.
Put no blame on anyone... things are as they are.

(January 15, 2015 at 11:38 am)IanHulett Wrote: I came out to her about my new lack of a belief in a God or gods, and she's treating it as if I have died. She's not saying I'm dead to her, but she is mourning my loss of faith as if I had died. She asked if this means I wouldn't be singing any Christian songs anymore, and my best answer was "I'm sorry." She started crying.

I know it meant so much to her that I stayed Christian, and sing Christian songs, and such, and after coming out to her, I now feel as though I killed her inside and I feel guilty inside. How do I handle this? I'm worried that she may blame herself.

I'm very sorry, really. I just hope that she'll find out that it's not as bad as she maybe thinks at first - you're still the same person. Her grief is certainly real, and she will have to go through these phases of grief and work it out for herself, I don't think there's much you can change about that, except showing her that you still love her and nothing about you has really changed.

You said that you're only the last in a row of siblings to leave the faith. Viewed from the outside, you as the remaining "good son" among the "fallen ones" was not a very healthy family constellation anyways, if you ask me. Did she blame herself for the others? Does she have a relationship with them? Maybe it will improve if you join them? Pure speculation of course.

It's not your fault Ian. I'm very sorry to hear she took it so hard. We don't have a choice in these matters, when our brains are no longer convinced by something, we can't decide to just become convinced again through choice. So it's not like you've even made a conscious decision to not believe, it's just what happens.

My advice is to focus on the difference between religious faith and your personal relationship with each other. They are entirely different things, but people can so often get that blurred when religion is really important to them. You could reassure her that you feel no differently about her, and that you are still the same person. She should be able to see who you are through your actions, more so than going through religious rituals that anyone can do.

I would recommend reinforcing that it's the religion, not her, that you can no longer believe in. And if it would help, you could give rational reasons, such as there is no evidence. That's a judgement call depending on what your mother is like.

Again I'm really sorry to hear this, and I hope you can both work it out. A lot of people find the best thing is to agree not to talk about religious matters, and just enjoy each other's company, talking about anything and everything else.

Also, I'm as atheist as they get, and I've spend a significant time singing Christian music...

Try to be understanding.
She is frightened because you have chosen to leave the tribe.
It's a jungle out there and she is worried about your well being.
Mothers worry about their kids. It's natural.
It is hard to show her that her fear for her loved one is superstitious and unfounded and exactly like the fears of a young child afraid of the dark. And the difficulty is for a very good reason. Her fears are not unfounded. It's a jungle out there.
Over time, the child grows out of the fear of the dark as they become more competent and able to handle the dangers they face. Sometimes the adult grows out of the fear of the unknown.
Sometimes not.

Sorry to hear about this. I can understand where you're coming from though. I know for a fact that my parents would have an equal, if not worse, reaction if I came out to them.

You're the same person you were before you came out to her, and I think that she will see that after some time has passed. Hopefully, she'll accept you for who you are, despite what you choose to believe in or not to believe in.

It's tough to offer meaningful advice in these cases. I hope all goes well for you and that you guys come to an understanding.