Feeling pretty gutted

[MTL]

Have another hug.  I have nothing useful to add, but hugs are always nice.

*hugz* thank you, too.

[Minimalist]

If the rest of the "family" stands by and watches her I'd say 'fuck them, too.' 

Families are overrated.

[brewer]

Ever considered trying the "therapist" type of response with her. Such as " I hear you saying/You seem to be saying...........", or " you seem to be feeling......" and "how does that make you feel....." also "by telling me this you want to accomplish........" Just keep turning everything back on her without reacting.

One of my favorites is the sarcastic "Oh, Wow, Really. Is that all? What else you got?" and then laugh.

[MTL]

Ever considered trying the "therapist" type of response with her. Such as " I hear you saying/You seem to be saying...........", or " you seem to be feeling......" and "how does that make you feel....." also "by telling me this you want to accomplish........"  Just keep turning everything back on her without reacting.

One of my favorites is the sarcastic "Oh, Wow, Really. Is that all? What else you got?" and then laugh.

She wouldn't let me get a whole sentence out.

She knows that if she engages with me in an argument,
I will unravel her manipulations and expose her shit,
and that just won't do...

(even if I am prepared to forget past wrongs....as long as the future improves).

It's more important that she saves face
and continues to get away with manipulating our parents.

So, to avoid engaging with me,
she simply asserts that all my arguments are bullshit
my opinions are worthless
that I don't deserve to be heard.

Extremely frustrating, given what the reality is,
and how much she has gotten away with, at my expense.

Very demoralizing to be told that you are the bad guy....by the bad guy.

I think she's a sociopath or narcissist or whatever.

No conscience about doing the right thing or hurting people or being unjust.

All that matters is winning.

[Ravenshire]

Sorry you're going through that with family.

All I can really suggest is that if she doesn't want to meet you halfway and insists on continuing to act this way, then she's not worth your time.

I know it's harsh, but it may be time to sever that link, especially if her constant demeaning of you is having a long term negative effect.

I have to agree with this. I have two brothers I have not spoken with since mom died in '06. They are both emotionally abusive chucklefucks and my life is improved by their absence. It can be hard, it can be painful, but ultimately it will be worth it if she is unwilling to be reasonable.

[Violet]

I've weighed the situation, all the pros and cons, again and again,
and just keep coming up with the same conclusion:

The path of least evil
is, unfortunately,
just to stay put, for now.

For now, it is still worth remaining under the boulder;
there's a chance I may get free with my arm intact if I just play my cards right.

But it's extremely painful....that's all.

It's just very very very sad and manifestly unjust.

MTL, do you have a therapist? If not, would going to a therapist anger the person that you are situationally chained to? If so, and you're not seeing a therapist already, is it possible that you might be able to use skype or your phone to talk to a therapist?

I don't know the situation, so I can't help you find a way to get out from under this person's boulder of a thumb... but I can understand what it's like in some sense, at least. I'm sorry, I hope that more avenues open up for you, and that opportunities to get loose of the boulder present themselves to you soon.

It sounds terrible... I am sorry that you've been made to endure this.

[robvalue]

I'm really sorry to hear things have gotten so bad I think you're a lovely person, and very reasonable, so whatever issues your sister has with you are very likely to be her own problems in my opinion.

The only advice I can give is how I have handled very similar situations with family: emotionally detach yourself from them. I know that's much easier said than done, but it's the only way I have been able to survive the bizarre relationships within my family. Over time, I stopped caring about what they say or think about me. Giving them "one more chance" and trying to meet them in the middle was just setting me up for failure one more time.

Again, I'm really sorry, and I hope you find a way to cope. Changing your sister is probably impossible, so all you can do is alter the way you react to her.

[Alex K]

Have you calmly talked to your parents about your situation? The fact that she influences their opinion of you seems to be an important part of this?

[MTL]

Thank you, again, Violet, Rob, Alex, others, for all your supportive words.

It is very much appreciated, believe me.

I would love nothing more than to have my sister sit down and tell her side of things to you;

I always hesitate to present my side of the story
when the other party isn't here to present theirs;

So I won't bore you with details, because there's no point, really.

Suffice it to say:

She seems to be outraged by stuff that happens in my life that has NOTHING to do with HER,
but whenever I have asked for an example, any clear definition, of what it is I've done,
she can't tell me.

She just hurls any accusation she likes,
then refuses to allow me to rebut;
asserting that my responses would all be "bullshit" anyhow.

I decided long ago to stop giving her "second chances" and cut her out of my life,
but because of my circumstances, I had to use diplomacy in the meantime, to get by.

But it doesn't end there.  Like I said, it's complicated.

[MTL]

Have you calmly talked to your parents about your situation? The fact that she influences their opinion of you seems to be an important part of this?

Yes, I've talked to my parents at length.

My Dad is a very intelligent man, and he sees straight through her BS as well as I do,
but whenever he tries to stand up for me,
Mom loses her shit.

Mom is terrified to stand up to my sister,
for fear that my sister will keep the grandchild away from them.