joke time

[Brian37]

A suicide bomber gets caught before the act and arrested. They send him to a shrink to insure he can stand trial.

Shrink, "So what seems to be the problem?"

Suicide bomber, "I hate America, death to America!"

Shrink, " I think you are blowing this out of proportion".

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

So, the inflatable boy is accepted at the inflatable school, and for a term or so, does very well.  After that, though, he goes mad, takes a pin and punctures all of his classmates.

Furious, the Headmaster calls him into his study and roars, 'For shame, Tompkins!  You've let everyone down!'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Choked on me Bovril over that one.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I'm not lazy. In fact, I'm a workaholic, which is why I can never work. I'm recovering. Even light work, I can't touch it. Maybe one day, I'll help an old lady with a bag of groceries -- boom! -- I'm in the Peace Corps.

[The Valkyrie]

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

[LadyForCamus]

The best way to be passive aggressive is to order a 'Worst Trophy Shop' trophy from a trophy shop and never pick it up.

This...I had tears running down my eyes from laughing so hard.  My husband thought I had lost my mind.  Apparently he didn't think it was as funny as I did.

[Brian37]

What kind of coffee does a cow that has just given birth drink?

Decaffeinated.

[Brian37]

I am at a loss as to why people keep calling the police on me every time a beer truck goes missing. IT'S BEER!

[Little lunch]

It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.
He sits down, noticing that the seat right next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No', says the neighbour, 'the seat is empty.'
'This is incredible', said the man, 'who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?'
The neighbour says, 'Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.'
'This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible....But couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?'
The man shakes his head. 'No', he says. 'They're all at the funeral.'