The Peacemaking Thread

[Edwardo Piet]

That's life.

[Edwardo Piet]

For example, when another person is voicing his or her disagreement or position in an unconstructive manner, it is imperative to allow him or her to vent and to speak uninterrupted: as this person speaks, we then separate the person from the problem (this is hard to do, but it is truly awesome once you get the hang of it), which allows us to focus on the content of the message and possibly uncover the individual's underlying interests; thus, clarifying miscommunications and validating why a reasonable, decent person would behave in that manner.

This is awesome. Where have you been all my life (or all my AF life at least)?

[Thumpalumpacus]

For example, when another person is voicing his or her disagreement or position in an unconstructive manner, it is imperative to allow him or her to vent and to speak uninterrupted: as this person speaks, we then separate the person from the problem (this is hard to do, but it is truly awesome once you get the hang of it), which allows us to focus on the content of the message and possibly uncover the individual's underlying interests; thus, clarifying miscommunications and validating why a reasonable, decent person would behave in that manner. Hence, this technique is useful in the following ways: it diffuses intense emotions and builds safety; it enables the parties to understand their conflict in different ways; it validates and humanizes the other person.  

I've learnt over the last year that when in uncertain emotional situations, it's often best to be passive but still alert. It doesn't always solve the problem, because sometimes (as in my case) they are unbridgeable -- but even the it mitigates hurt by lending understanding.

Listening is always good -- you either find common ground, or identify a person who doesn't want to do that much.

[chimp3]

In my hippy days I witnessed a civilizing technique for speaking and listening in groups. The Feather Circle. People sit in a circle and pass the feather clockwise. The one holding the feather speaks. Every one else listens. There is nothing magical about a feather but it is imperative the object passed be light and harmless. A baseball bat sends an entirely different message.

[Edwardo Piet]

For example, when another person is voicing his or her disagreement or position in an unconstructive manner, it is imperative to allow him or her to vent and to speak uninterrupted: as this person speaks, we then separate the person from the problem (this is hard to do, but it is truly awesome once you get the hang of it), which allows us to focus on the content of the message and possibly uncover the individual's underlying interests; thus, clarifying miscommunications and validating why a reasonable, decent person would behave in that manner. Hence, this technique is useful in the following ways: it diffuses intense emotions and builds safety; it enables the parties to understand their conflict in different ways; it validates and humanizes the other person.  

I've learnt over the last year that when in uncertain emotional situations, it's often best to be passive but still alert. It doesn't always solve the problem, because sometimes (as in my case) they are unbridgeable -- but even the it mitigates hurt by lending understanding.

Listening is always good -- you either find common ground, or identify a person who doesn't want to do that much.

Excellent post Thump

[Edwardo Piet]

You can't force peace. Both sides have to want it. A good way to start is to listen.

Can't believe I missed this. This is perfection. Pithy, accurate and wise.

To address the bolding I added:

Forcing peace would be the very opposite of peaceful... forcing anything is peaceless... after all, you can never possibly successfully force peace you can only ever attempt and fail to force peace: you cannot actually succeed because peacefulness is antithetical to forcefulness.

Absolutely correct. Absolutely wise. Great post!

You may have noticed that I added to the front of my sig!

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

For example, when another person is voicing his or her disagreement or position in an unconstructive manner, it is imperative to allow him or her to vent and to speak uninterrupted: as this person speaks, we then separate the person from the problem (this is hard to do, but it is truly awesome once you get the hang of it), which allows us to focus on the content of the message and possibly uncover the individual's underlying interests; thus, clarifying miscommunications and validating why a reasonable, decent person would behave in that manner.

This is awesome. Where have you been all my life (or all my AF life at least)?

You are far too kind, sir.  But as you can see, in the peacemaking thread, there are other unique peacemakers on AF who have a lot to contribute and have unique and excellent ways of making peace.  I'm simply one voice in a beautiful chorus, sir.

---

Being willing to talk openly, honestly and calmly about whatever issues may have arose. Allowing each party to talk, and to really be heard. I've found this to often be a stumbling block. Hysterical reactions and language are a huge barrier.

Owning any upset that has been caused, intended or not; and mistakes that have been made. Working towards forgiveness where possible. Where it is not possible, at least acknowledging that the other party is truly sorry and intends to act differently in the future (if that is indeed the case).

Being flexible and coming to new arrangements if needed.

(I've had situations in my [real] life where I've had to let go of what has happened in the past, for my own sanity. I can stop holding a grudge about it, so to speak. But I can't exactly give forgiveness, because the people involved either never acknowledged fault, never cared about the upset they caused, or just continued to do the same thing. This last is particularly difficult. I can't forgive you for punching me in the face while you're still doing it. You have to at least stop.)

I really enjoyed this.  Well said, Rob.

When faced with hysterical reactions and harsh language, I'm amazed how powerful the art of re-framing can be. For example, if we replace the "this person is attacking me and I must respond with force" mentality with a "hmmm... I wonder what story this person told himself, which is causing him to behave aggressively" mentality, it has a very disarming and relaxing effect.  For me at least, when I'm in conflict with others, curiosity is my best friend.

[The Grand Nudger]

IDK Kernel, in my experience, being able to assess the content of the message to discover the underlaying interests and thus impetus for miscommunication has been met roundly, and soundly, with umbrage by the other individual.  You've exposed them, or at least think that you have, in their view.  It;s insulting, regardless of whether or not it's true.  

This is what we run into when we politely talk about coddling other people.  No amount of nice words or smiles or calm approach will change or alter the fact that we have treated them as lessers to be handled, their outbursts as side effects of a potentially undiscovered or unknown (even to them) underlaying interest. In short. They're idiots who need our help to climb up out of the miscommunications brought on by their idiocy or lack of self comprehension.

Just food for thought.

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

IDK Kernel, in my experience, being able to assess the content of the message to discover the underlaying interests and thus impetus for miscommunication has been met roundly, and soundly, with umbrage by the other individual.  You've exposed them, or at least think that you have, in their view.  It;s insulting, regardless of whether or not it's true.

Thank you for making this observation.  It is an important point.  We can be absolutely genuine in our efforts to understand others, and they can still misperceive this as an attempt on our part to expose them or find fault in them, which can provoke more aggression and defensiveness on their part.  From my observations, a core aspect of peacemaking is that we cannot force people into dialog, nor can we force them to behave as we’d like: only they can choose how they will respond.  If they respond in the negative, then IMO, it is crucial to stay cool and not allow yourself to retaliate in kind (doing the latter only reinforces their negative behavior patterns).  Hence, it is probably best to take a break, let go, and make peace with the fact that we have done our best for the time being: peacemaking often requires multiple attempts and failures.     

This is what we run into when we politely talk about coddling other people.  No amount of nice words or smiles or calm approach will change or alter the fact that we have treated them as lessers to be handled, their outbursts as side effects of a potentially undiscovered or unknown (even to them) underlaying interest. In short. They're idiots who need our help to climb up out of the miscommunications brought on by their idiocy or lack of self comprehension.

Just food for thought.

Thank you for mentioning this.  It may indeed be the case that the other person is dead wrong about a particular issue: the person simply didn’t fully comprehend what it was that he or she was disagreeing with.  However, from my observations, when people resort to outbursts, it is due to the fact that they are jacked up on emotional adrenaline.  Now, coddling them with nice words or using other techniques aimed at making them behave as we’d like, usually does set them off, as it can be perceived as an attempt on our part to fix them.

From my experience and studies, a good starting point for diffusing unconstructive behavior is to acknowledge feelings: this needs to be done in a non-judgmental and genuine way.  For example, we can be more genuine and non-judgemental by giving up our need to be right, as it may be the case that we were mistaken about a particular issue or multiple issues for that matter.  Once, we have done this, then a simple acknowledgement that the individual is upset and owning up to your part in making them upset, is a possible starting point toward peace.  More importantly, acknowledging their feelings allows them to feel validated, which increases the likelihood of collaborative, rational dialog.

Ultimately, as Jesster pointed out, peace cannot be forced.  Hence, IMO, as peacemakers, it is necessary to make peace with the fact that we will succeed and fail.

Thank you for your time and attention, sir.

[robvalue]

Just read the title wrongly.