joke time

[RozKek]

When does 1+1 become 3?

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 After 9 months http://i.imgur.com/yGu7zU2.png?1

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[Brian37]

I love how innovative Americans can be, but I can't understand why nobody will invest in my ideas? I mean, who wouldn't want to invest in a nudist camp where cloths are required? Oh, so that means a Jewish Pork barbecue joint is out of the question?

[Ben Davis]

...out of..?

Just quoting the game Simon the Sorcerer 2.

#missedreference

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

It seems that a woman trying to get through Heathrow was arrested when a random search revealed that her suitcase was full of her husband's entrails. The guard who made the horrific find was asked by his superiors if there was anything about the woman that tipped him off.

'Not really,' the guard shrugged. Just sort of a gut feeling.'

[Rhondazvous]

Three Men, A Russian, A Chinese and an American were taking their final test to be inducted into the CIA. Each man was given a gun and told to go into a room where he would find his wife and he had to kill her.

The men were test one at a time. First the Russian went in and failed to kill his wife. Then the Chinese went in but could not kill his wife either. Then the American went in. there was a thumping sound. A few minutes later, the American came out.
American: You idiots forgot to load this thing. I had to pistol whip her.

[Rhondazvous]

When does 1+1 become 3?

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 After 9 months http://i.imgur.com/yGu7zU2.png?1

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Mathematics of sex:
Add a woman to your bed
Subtract her clothes
Divide her legs
and hope she doesn't multiply.

[popeyespappy]

When Great Britain was part of the Roman Empire, it was ruled by an Emperor.
When Great Britain became a Kingdom, it was ruled by a King.
Now, alas, it's a country.

[Arkilogue]

A baker appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates and before Peter could speak, the baker yells:

"What the hell?!? Why would God take me in the prime of my life and business, I have a family to feed and I've used that dough making machine thousands of times without injury! Why did it grab my jacket and pull me in? Why did I die like that???"

St Peter paused to consider a moment then said, "Well.......it looks like you were badly kneaded."

[Cyberman]

The little girl gripped my hand tightly as we walked into the woods. She looked up at me and, her tremulous voice barely a whisper, said "Please, mister, the forest looks so dark and scary... I'm really frightened."

I looked down at her and replied, "It's alright for you, I have to walk back on my own."

[FatAndFaithless]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'