Advice on a personal matter

[Whateverist]

I'm nearly 30.

I'm 28. That's NEARLY 30!

Are you getting that 'old man smell' yet?  Very hard to get out.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Make it count but it isn't a test, there are no prizes (that matter) and no one to please but you - but that can actually be trickier than it sounds.

Too many people never learn for themselves what happiness actually means.

[Whateverist]

Sure seems that way. Comparisons are odious and looking for external validation is a dead end.

[Sterben]

I'm turning thirty soon and I'm really bothered by fact I'm not as young as I once was. I'll elaborate more on why it's bothering me.
over the past I would say eleven years, I've mostly used the internet for my personal socialization. I do talk with others at work, but I never expose my true self; only a small portion is ever is ever shown. Even now, the whole self is never shown; it's out of fear, this fear has granted me comfort and has imprisoned my mentally. I shut myself out of the real world as much I can. The anxiety is really building up and I'm starting to self isolate from the world even more. All I'm starting to see is doors closing and I don't know how to manage this midlife crisis any more.

Socializing is a big spectrum.  Are you just terrified of being yourself around everyone?  What were you like before the last 11 years?

I can't really talk about how to cure social anxiety because I have it.  But I don't really see it as much of a problem, I don't go out to nightclubs, pubs or anything.  I've got some friends I met through music who I still keep in touch with and a few female friends.
I openly tell the people in work what I'm like.  I got invited to a wedding in work and I told them both you know how much an anti social twat I am so it's likely I won't go.

The biggest thing that changed how I socialized probably was through slow progress of talking online, meeting up with women online.  Having disasterous awful meetings, finding various people who I loved talking to even on the phone which I used to hate. Meeting some amazing people, meeting even better people, getting more confident and progressing.

To cut a long story short I took the long and grinding approach.  You said it's like you're in a prison, well how I got out is by digging out with a spoon.  Not a big wooden stiring spoon either, I'm talking about a tiny teaspoon.

And I'm still socially awkward as fuck, but it's taken me this long to get to a place that I think is at least acceptable.  I'm not living in a hole as a hermit collecting bottles of my own urine but I'm hardly a glamerous socialite either.

But I have to clarify I don't know what kind of social anxiety you have.  A lot of men with social anxiety I imagine cure it by getting married so they don't have to socialize with lots of women, just the one who they get to know over time.  And they watch sports so they can definitely have something to talk about and socialize with other men about, life solved.

        I was a normal person by standard means, had friends and attended social events and group based hobbies. The money issue started, among other things which I will not recall by any means, stuff I've been suppressing for years. Before anyone asks, I will not disclose or talk about them. If I was given the choice, I would take a pill to delete those files from my brain. After all that, I grew more and more anti-social.
hiding from the real world and filling my time with other projects I could do alone. I've become so addicted to form of anonymous commutations, that I can't connect properly to another human being. Has far as the talking to woman I've given up on that entirely.

          Those skills never developed properly, at twenty-nite I've never made it past a second date. The damage is done and can not be repaired.

---

What Magi said. Back in 2002 I stopped abusing heroin. To do that, I isolated myself from the social aspects, just going and coming from work, using the internet. I found myself in a similar situation to yours. I had to rebuild my social network away from my druggie friends, as it could make me relapse. I went to a psychologist that advised me Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy. It has worked wonders since then. Its not magic, its just thought discipline. You need to overcome social anxiety and the avoidance it brings. And that will can only come from you.

        It be nice, but I don't have any type of real insurance to get help like that. So, I'm my own. My issue was coke and meth, I was using it for close to a year. I was able to beat the addiction all my own, which saved me but, also caused a lot of permanent damage mostly mental.

[KUSA]

Make it count but it isn't a test, there are no prizes (that matter) and no one to please but you - but that can actually be trickier than it sounds.

Too many people never learn for themselves what happiness actually means.

What does it mean?

[Thumpalumpacus]

Too many people never learn for themselves what happiness actually means.

What does it mean?

You have to decide that for yourself. I can only tell you what it means to me. Your meaning is almost certainly different, hence the qualifier "for themselves".

[paulpablo]

Well my advice is communicate annonymously with females online until you feel comfy with one of them and perhaps meet or chat to someone on the phone or use Skype or something and get used to talking to people.

Feeling restricted to talking online is one thing but you're saying you constantly feel the need to be anonymous.

It possibly seems logical then that your next goal would be to communicate online more personably with people you feel comfortable with.
Find practise people who you don't care that much about.
That's just a suggestion, I don't really know what you should do.
I don't even know why you want to socialise, who do you want to talk to? What do you think about that you think you can't talk to people in work about these subjects?

[Aoi Magi]

        I was a normal person by standard means, had friends and attended social events and group based hobbies. The money issue started, among other things which I will not recall by any means, stuff I've been suppressing for years. Before anyone asks, I will not disclose or talk about them. If I was given the choice, I would take a pill to delete those files from my brain. After all that, I grew more and more anti-social.
hiding from the real world and filling my time with other projects I could do alone. I've become so addicted to form of anonymous commutations, that I can't connect properly to another human being. Has far as the talking to woman I've given up on that entirely.

          Those skills never developed properly, at twenty-nite I've never made it past a second date. The damage is done and can not be repaired.

Not wanting to discuss those incidents is part of the problem. I can understand not wanting to discuss it in public, but by keeping those memories bottled up within yourself you are keeping yourself chained to those. One thing I have learned in life is no matter how much worse the situation gets for me, there's always other people who are much worse off. You think you have been betrayed, but if you look around there's bound to be people who've been hurt even worse. When you talk to people, share your thoughts and feelings, and realize there are indeed others in similar situation to yours, you'll find the strength to move past that grief.

And also stop being such a pessimist, there are many women who prefer "men" over boys, and right now you are still at the "boy" stage, the true serious dating is about to begin for you, and you being able to start fresh without the baggage of past "dating experience" is actually a good thing.

[Aegon]

Meh, it's all pointless bullshit. We're all going to die anyway.

Should we be worried that this was Bella's last post before she changed her name to that and set her status to "Away"?

[KUSA]

Meh, it's all pointless bullshit. We're all going to die anyway.

If that's the case, doesn't jumping out of an airplane without a parachute sound exciting? It's pointless to think of the end of the ride so just enjoy.