joke time

[GrandizerII]

Man, I should check this thread more often.

[KittyAnn]

Man, I should check this thread more often.

sometimes it's funny here, huh?

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[Haipule]

I swear!!! Jesus Anointed God! Master of the skies and land! Deliverer and Lord of my life! The zOE-life of His promise!

I apologized for my foul mouth But talking to you people is like talking to a mizzen mast! This is not celestial navigation calculations! One more time, the order of things:

1). April showers bring May flowers.
2). Mayflowers bring pilgrims.

[KittyAnn]

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?! 

[vulcanlogician]

Man, I should check this thread more often.

Yeah, man. And if you ever get bored, check the backlog... good stuff there too.

[Haipule]

A man and his wife are on vacation in California when the wife gets an alert on her cell phone and says, "There's a crazy bloke driving the wrong way on the freeway!"

The husband replies, "Bloody oath Love, they're all going the wrong way!"

[Cyberman]

Seamus and Murphy are out on the town. Seamus asks, "How much cash do we got dere, Murphy?"

Murphy says, "We got precoiserly five euros between de two of we. Now how are ye supposin' are we gettin' drunk on dat, now?"

Seamus says, "Just you be leavin' dat ter me", and he takes the money, goes up to a fast food stall and buys a hotdog.

Murphy scowls and says, "Dat was clever of ye! Oi'd have never o' tought o' dat meself! Wot use are we wantin' wid a hotdog, and now us wid no money at all ter gets drunk wid, yer big eedjit?"

Seamus throws away the hotdog bun and says, "Wot we do is, we goes in de pub, have a few bevvies, den when de landlord be wantin' payin', Oi unzips me fly an' poke dis sausage out. Den you gets on yer knees an' start sucklin' on it. De landlord'll be so disgusted dat he'll trow us out an' we can go on to der next pub, and so on! It's a good plan, you just trust yer old mate!"

Murphy isn't sure, but follows his friend into the Dog and Hammer anyway. They order two pints of Guinness.

"Sup up!" says Seamus, "Yer gettin' free drinks, now!"

They down the beer and order two more. After a few rounds of this the landlord, Pat O'Hooligan, decides it's time for money to change hands. Seamus spots him starting to walk over.

"Quickly now," he says, unzipping his trousers and inserting the sausage, "get on yer knees an' start doin' yer stuff!"

So Murphy kneels down and pops the sausage into his mouth.

When Pat sees what's apparently going on in a public bar, his face turns puce with rage. "Yer dirty pair o' bastards!" he screams; and grabbing them both by the neck, hurls them into the street. "An' don't you not never come back!"

"See?" says Seamus. "Nearly eight full pints an' not a one we've had to pay for! Now let's try the Fiddler's Elbow on de corner!"

In they go, have several pints and then play the same trick, getting thrown out on their ears again.

After a few hours of this, being slung out of pub after pub, Murphy rolls over in the gutter, holds his head and says, "Seamus, oi'm tinking we might have ter call it a night, now - me poor head's fair spinnin', oi'm so drunk! Oi can't even feel me teeth!"

Seamus, lying face down next to him, says "You tink you gots problems? Oi can't even remember what pub we lost de sausage in!"

[Fireball]

This new guy comes in and sits at one end of the bar, and gets a drink. He tells the barkeep, "You look like a betting man. I'll wager $1000 that I can bite my right eye." The barkeep looks at the guy like he's lost his marbles, and agrees. They match money, and the new guy pops out his false eye, puts in his mouth, and bites down. Pissed, the barkeep pays out. The new guy skulks down to the other end of the bar. The barkeep, serving customers as he goes along, spots him there. He says, "You can leave now". The new guy says, "Tell you what. I'll give you a chance to get your money back." I'll bet you that I can bite my left eye". Barkeep is thinking that this can't be possible, matches up the money, and the new guy pulls out his false teeth and attacks his left eye. Money is paid, he tells the guy to get the hell out. New guy moves back along the bar to the other end. Barkeep moves on serving drinks, comes back to that end, says "Hey! I told you to leave!". New guy says, "Yeah, that trick was kind of mean, but I have a sure bet for you now". Barkeep says, "What?". New guy says, "I'm going to whip it out, and piss so hard that it will reach all the way to the other end of the bar, and I'll wager $5k!". Barkeep realizes the sheer impossibility of pissing that far, and agrees. They match money. The new guy whips it out, points it at a 45º angle (physics cognoscentes know about this), and commences to piss. Of course, it doesn't make it anywhere close to the other end of the bar, and the barkeep is ecstatic about getting his money back, plus some (though he and a couple of patrons have gotten wet). He collects, but has to ask, "I can understand the first bets, but how can you bet on that total loss?!" The new guy says, "See that guy at the other end of the bar with the shocked look?" Barkeep says, "Yes." "Well, I bet him $5k that I could piss on you and that you would smile, while I did it. He lost."

[KittyAnn]

During the Mass, the guy whispers asks the next:
- What's the Wi-fi password here?
- Jesus Christ, man!
- With spaces or underscore?

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Ahmed is coming and his wife is before him.
- Hey Ahmed, Allah did not teach that! In the Koran it's written that the wife must walk behind her husband!
- When they wrote the Koran, there were no anti-personnel mines. Forward Fatima, forward ...

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[BrianSoddingBoru4]

When viagra first became available, a fella goes to the local chemist and asks, 'Do you have viagra?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Can you get that over the counter?'

'If I take three, probably.'

Boru