joke time

[Cyberman]

During the Mass, the guy whispers asks the next:
- What's the Wi-fi password here?
- Jesus Christ, man!
- With spaces or underscore?

Know why churches don't have wi-fi? They don't like having to compete with an invisible, intangible power that actually does something.

[Cecelia]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

[Darinda]

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city. 
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.” 

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.” 

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” 

The other brothers were impressed. 

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. Milton – Bubbeleh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.  

Marvin – Mine Shayne Kindeleh. I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.  

Menachim – Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I’ve lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.
  
Dearest Melvin – You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Fella walks into his local, bangs on the bar for attention and says, 'Which one of you owns the gigantic Rottweiler with the spiked collar that's chained up outside?'

A big bruiser at the other end of the bar stands up and says, 'That's MY dog. What of it?'

'I'll tell you what of it, mate - my dog just killed him!'

'What kind of dog do you have?'

'A chihuahua.'

'WHAT?! How the fuck can a chihuahua kill a Rottweiler?'

'Got lodged in his throat.'

Boru

[KittyAnn]

On the night of their wedding a young couple finally came to their hotel room. After making preparations the bride came out of the bathroom and she find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
- What are you doing? - she asked.
- I am praying for guidance - answered the young man.
- I will take care of that - she replied. - You pray for endurance.

---

On a religion lesson, the priest says to children:
- Children, please draw an angel.
Everyone draws angels with two wings, and little John with three.
- Little John, did you see an angel with three wings? - the priest asks.
- Did the priest see with two?

[Brian37]

Some college students were hanging out at spring break poolside.

Student 1, "Where do you go?"

Student 2, " Michigan State"

Student 1, "What about you", looking at another.

Student 3, "Ohio State"

The other too look at the first and ask, "What about you?"

Student 1, "Mental State"

[Fireball]

I read at another forum-

Yeah , I used to have a good hard drive and plenty of ram

Now,, I have no memory and a 3 1/2" floppy

[Haipule]

Mine might be short but it's thin!

[chimp3]

At 18 years of age 1977- I tried desperately to look like Robert Plant!

At 58 years of age I try desperately not to look like Larry the Cable Guy!

[Darinda]

In the middle of a fight, husband said, "Let's not quarrel, let's discuss the things sensibly."

"No," said angry wife, "Every time we discuss sensibly, I lose!"