The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is The Smokers. I usually like to cycle between genres (by this point, comedy, horror, then youth.) This week is going to be different. The Smokers is nominally a comedy, but I originally hampered by the fact that it's not funny. It was originally categorised as a drama, but that didn't work because it was trying too hard to be a comedy, but I decided to consider it a comedy/drama/horror hybrid because the plot, well, let me put it this way: it involves three teenaged girls getting revenge on men who only have one night stands with them by raping and torturing them in a semen-filled barn. Sort of like The First Wives Club, except horrible, starring Lolita, Kim Kelly, and some other girl I only saw in a minor role in FDR: American Badass in place of Diane Keaton, Bette Midler, and Goldie Hawn, and directed by a woman who only did porn after this.

• Or when people think of boarding schools, they think of places where people with autism are given electric shocks for stimming.
  
• "Do you like being a modern woman?" Wow. That's some obvious theme writing.
  
• They called us The Smokers. Even though smoking barely figures into the plot. 
  
• Wait, does lighting up next to a smoke alarm set it off? And what's even the point in a prank like that? 
  
• Boys and oils? Is that really a thing? I mean, sure, I'm going to get a version of D&G's Light Blue that's been reformulated as a room spray specifically for Alison, but that's not really an oil at that point.
  
• I'm so sick of being a woman? Well, if you're saying you want to be trans, well, if that's what you want, okay, just be aware that trans folk have it even worse.
  
• The girls are playing Russian Roulette with a round in all but one chamber, and they're pointing it at each other what the fuck am I watching?
  
• Have these girls even read a version of Cinderella?
  
• Why do all these lyrics have such on the nose lyrics?
  
• So, this is basically a rape-revenge movie with the girls providing both? That's not how that genre's supposed to work! And, yes, I know that being objectified as a woman has to be extremely taxing. It's still nothing that justifies rape. Even actually getting raped probably wouldn't justified it.
  
• What the Christ even is that mask? A domino with a long yellow moustache where the eyes are supposed to be? Paired with Mickey Mouse ears?
  
• So, wait, if that note they passed in church is any indication, that guy knows who these girls are, so why are they wearing those fucking masks?
  
• So, tying men up at gunpoint and mocking them for not being erect at the prospect of being raped at gunpoint. That totally isn't going to help maintain a vicious cycle that'll perpetuate misogyny and make men actually feel afraid of women, possibly justifying the use of violence against women that goes beyond the shit you've spent the last half hour complaining about.
  
• A revolution? You raped a guy. And you're comparing yourself to Gandhi for it? Are you fucking kidding me?
  
• "Rape Me To"?
  
  
  
• And comparing the feeling of having a cock in your face (and nothing suggests this is non-consensual, by the way) to having a gun in your face, perpetuating the assumption that women are, by and large, not interested in sex, which kind of helps perpetuate rape culture by assuming that rape isn't that bad because, well, she'll never say yes voluntarily.
  
• How many times does a man get away with it? I know that rape is a hugely underreported crime, but, the thing is, in this film, you're the one attempting to rape men at gunpoint, and, halfway through the film, I have yet to see a man even try to do anything comparable. 
  
• You don't know what it's like having a hole between your legs waiting for it to be filled. Or you could talk about going to a Catholic boys' school and doing whatever you could to avoid having your classmates fill the other hole between your legs against your will.
  
• Okay, so how to do something like this plot right: A few years ago, I wrote a short story about a girl who liked to fuck unconscious men. How do I get the readers to sympathise with her? Well, remember the scene from Cape Fear where DeNiro goes on a date with Illeana Douglas and then, after about six minutes of a relatively normal date, all of a sudden, he breaks her arm, takes a huge bite out of her face and rapes her? And then explains she won't testify against him because what the law does to her is still fucking horrible? She saw it on TV in the middle of the night when she was a kid, tuned in to the date scene without knowing what she was watching, and was traumatised by the brutality. There is none of that trauma in this film, and it might have actually helped make this film work. But the trauma of rape exists in this film (at least until the last quarter of the movie) only when the girls inflict it on some poor boys who just had a one-night stand with them.
  
• You buried the gun? why is When the next question and not where?
  
• Oh, look the sort of terror that comes with women getting raped finally appeared. You know when this would actually have been warranted? Before they actually decided it would be a good idea to rape these guys at gunpoint for revenge at what women have to deal with.
  

Well, that was reprehensible. Not quite as viscerally disgusting, but still the most horribly-executed attempt at attempting a feminist film I've ever seen.

[Angrboda]

[zwanzig]

The Dark and the Wicked (2020). 

I really liked it. It seems to follow in the footsteps of quiet, slow-burn horror movies that have become more popular as of the past decade. There were a few jump scares but they were genuine, not false flag ones. Not overly gorey, not overly unique in concepts but somehow, it felt fresh. That dread really keeps ratcheting up.

[Angrboda]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I object to the inclusion of King Ghidorah as a 'monster'. Maybe he was just misunderstood, maybe he came from a broken home.

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I object to the inclusion of King Ghidorah as a 'monster'. Maybe he was just misunderstood, maybe he came from a broken home.

Boru

Monster Zero came from another planet, invasive species. Like kaiju kudzu .

[Gawdzilla Sama]

BTW, how many have seen the movie Anguirus appeared in first? (No googling.)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Not me. I don't recall having seen a single Japanese monster movie.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a Netflix original called Bobbleheads: The Movie. So, basically, what if The Emoji Movie had even less of a reason to exist, and somehow Cher (who has apparently been waiting for a suitable animated role for 35 years and settled on this) and the director of Beauty and the Fucking Beast somehow decided to be a part of it? Congratulations, you get this piece of shit.

• Wow. They're giving the animation program a credit before literally anything else. That does not look like a good sign.
  
• Okay, everything I know about roller coaster design I know from Defunctland, but, somehow, I doubt that putting an egg in a seat is how they test it. Especially when there's no apparent way to harness it into the seat like happens in real life.
  
• And why do these models for the humans look so uncanny?
  
• Feeding their fish just one small pellet? That can't be enough.
  
• Also, what the fuck is with the baby repeatedly almost getting killed?
  
• So, they just decide to go on vacation at absolute random? 
  
• And what are they even doing trying to orchestrate it? 
  
• Why is this like a more mean-spirited version of Toy Story? If your story is just going to be that, why not just remake the Black Friday version of Toy Story?
  
• You know the appeal of real bobbleheads? You touch their heads, and they wobble for a few seconds. It's amusing for a few seconds at a time, but it starts to get old after a minute. And, of course, they decided to dedicate this to toys whose heads bobble with the slightest motion. Why do I get the feeling this could cause motion sickness?
  
• Aliens take over household appliances, including getting grandma getting chased by a blender? I wish I was watching that movie. Also, I think I might have seen that exact movie on MST3K.
  
• Is this movie going to be just these bobbleheads bickering among each other and maybe annoying these hapless rednecks for 82 minutes?
  
• Wait, was not-Roberto Clemente going to be a gift to the householders or was he stolen from the rednecks? Make up your mind.
  
• That dog's name is Dumpster? 
  
• It's half an hour into the movie and I have no idea what's even happening or why- Did that bobblehead cat just shed actual cat hair into that cantaloupe?
  
• The redneck spent his last dime on a fucking bobblehead? 
  
• So, did they just rewrap him while my eyes glazed over?
  
• A romantic montage that happens among a baby's toys. Fucking Hell.
  
• They won't leave without him? Didn't they intend to give it to them as a gift? 
  
• So, what's the point of the redneck wife kidnapping her husband? 
  
• Why is there a bobblehead high Council? Why is Cher part of it? Why does her head look like an oversized version of the Satan mask from that Mark Twain movie?
  
• Since when are they kind or compassionate? And since when did their antics actually do anything? 
  
• Since when does Calm have a sleep story about being painfully eaten by an ogre?
  
• And why is a ride-on lawn mower in the house?
  
• They have no value, except for the fact that they're fucking alive? Like you noticed a mintue or two ago?
  
• And how did Cher hack into the big-screen TV?
  
• You know, I'm not a fan of Cher, but I have to ask: why isn't Cher singing?
  

You know what, fuck it, why not make a movie about Dakimakuras? Yeah, pillows of anime girls (and maybe obscure 2000s actresses like the one sitting at my right hand right now) used for guys who can't get laid. Given their own movies. It'd be a Hell of lot more interesting than Bobbleheads: The Movie. And next week, in honour of Black History Month, I'm planning on taking on a real doozy. Get ready for Loqueesha.

[Sal]

VVitch - 3/10

Dunno if I was watching a thriller/gore/psycho themed movie or just plain demonstration of the ills of religious bullshit effects on the brain. But it was out there.