joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once beat a giant mouse to death with a club. I thought I was performing a public service, but the other people at Disneyworld were all freaked out.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Them: 'Who's skull is that?'

Me: 'Guy named Phillip.'

Them: 'What's in it?'

Me: (taking a sip): 'Vodka and orange juice.'

Them:

Me: 'It's a Phillip's head screw driver.'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Them: 'Who's skull is that?'

Me: 'Guy named Phillip.'

Them: 'What's in it?'

Me: (taking a sip): 'Vodka and orange juice.'

Them:

Me: 'It's a Phillip's head screw driver.'

Boru

No!

[The Valkyrie]

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."

She smiles and asks, "Why? Is it because I'm petite, cute, and delicate?"

"No," he replies, "It's because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table about midnight."

[The Valkyrie]

A guy starts a new job at a coal mine and is wandering around with a mine veteran until he gets his bearings.

He looks around the mine, getting to know his wsy around, greeting the workers and so forth.

By lunchtime, he gathers with the rest of the men in the cafetaria. By this time he's covered head to toe in coal dust, but is told to only wash his hands and not shower for lunch.

After all, he'll just end up covered in dust again.

At the end of the day, the workers all gather in the showers, and get undressed.

The new guy looks around and sees even the naked men are covered entirely in coal dust.

"It's the same every day. The dust gets under your clothes and covers everything," the supervisor says.

The new guy looks around some more and notices one guy is covered in dust like the others, but there's none on his penis.

He brings it to the attention of his boss.

"Oh, that's Fred," he explains, "Some days he goes home for lunch..."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My wife just called me a sex machine! Ok, her actual words were, 'You're a fucking tool!', but I know what she meant.

Boru

[Brian37]

This just in on ESPEN, Chiefs owner says he is the real winner because the Chiefs scored first. He is "disappointed" in Roger Goodell not overturning the results of Super Bowl LV. Chiefs fans rushed the field and threatened Tom Brady shouting, "Where is he?" and "Hang Roger Goodell".

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Doctor: Mr. Smith, I’m afraid we had to remove your colon.

Mr. Smith  Why?

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Two young men are walking through a cemetary when they hear cries of anguish coming from a nearby grave.

They apprach and see a man kneeling before a grave, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Why did you have to die?" Asks the man, "It's been terrible without you! My life has been miserable. Sometimes I wish I was dead, too!"

One of the young men approaches and asks, "Are you okay, sir? Whose grave is that?"

""My wife's first husband!" The man cries out in anguish.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two men got really angry at me because I referred to them as 'hipsters'. Apparently, the PC term is 'conjoined twins'.

Boru