joke time

[The Valkyrie]

"I've been flashing my boobs at my tomatoes in the hopes I can turn them red by making them blush."

"Has it worked?"

"No. But my cucumbers are enormous!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Some anti-vaxxers are up in arms, saying that the term 'anti-vaxxer' is offensive to them. While it's perfectly OK to disagree with their position on vaccines, you should still respect them as people and refer to them by the more accurate term of 'child-murdering fuckwads'.

Boru

[Darinda]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

---

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
“She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Doctor: 'Your tests show that you have a rare disease for which there is no medical treatment.'

Me: 'OH NO!!'

Doctor: 'But you can cure it with exercise and a healthy diet.'

Me: 'OH NO!!'

Boru

[Darinda]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women because of this.
Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back: “No!”
The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks — let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?”
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again: “No!”
Zapp! — the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again: “Frog, will you marry me?”
The irritated frog yells back: “Look.. how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, and NO!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man escapes from prison after 15 years and breaks into a house where he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of bed and ties him up. He then leans over the wife and kisses her neck. After about a minute of this, he disappears into bathroom and closes the door.

The husband takes advantage of this and desperately whispers to his wife, ‘That man is an escaped convict - just look at his clothes! He probably hasn’t seen a woman in years, and he won’t stop at kissing your neck. When he comes back, don’t resist. Do whatever he wants or he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey, and remember I love you!’

‘But he wasn’t kissing my neck,’ says the wife. He was whispering in my ear and asked if we had any Vaseline, so I told him it was in the bathroom.

‘Be strong, honey, and remember I love you!’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital.

As he is being wheeled through the hospital, he wakes up, looks around, and asks, "Is this heaven?"

"No," replies the nurse, "this is a hospital, and we're passing through the childrens' ward!"

[The Valkyrie]

Iggy's willy was in the Guinness Book of Records, once.

That's why he's banned from the library.

[The Valkyrie]

Wanted: New home for a small dog. Black and white terrier. Barks a lot.

If interested, let me know and I'll go next door and get it for you.

[ignoramus]

I invented a time machine so I went back in time and killed my grandfather to see if I cease existing.
It sure is a crappy way to find out I'm adopted.