joke time

[Darinda]

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

poof All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift. Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.

Man: don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.

After a few minutes driving the man leans over,

Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?

Jesus: wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some.

A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again,

Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one?

Amazed by the man’s kindness Jesus replies,

Jesus: wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again.

After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says,

Man: hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me?

Jesus pauses for a second and replies,

Jesus: ya know what, why not!

So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, Jesus speaks up,

Jesus: okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!
The man looks at Jesus with a grin on his face and says, “Good shit, huh?”

[Darinda]

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F’s, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without saying anything. After a couple of hours, his parents went up to check on him only to see him in his room doing doing maths revision. They were confused but happy.

This went on every day for the rest of the year and at the end, the boy proudly held up his grade of an a+ in maths.

His parents asked him what change his mind about maths.
The boy said: “on my first day of school, when I walked into the maths class, there was a guy nailed to a plus sign. That’s when I knew they meant business.”

[The Valkyrie]

A seven year old and a four year old are getting dressed before breakfast.

The older sibling says, "I think it's time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast, I'll start, and you follow."

"Okay," replies the gullible younger.

When they go down for breakfast, their mother asks, "What do you want this morning?"

Immediately, the seven year old says, "I'll have cornflakes, bitch!"

*whack*!

The older brother screams in tears and flees to his room.

"And what do you want for breakfast?" the mother asks the four year old.

"Anything but the fucking cornflakes!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Q: What's the difference between a ruble and a dollar?

A: A dollar.

Boru

[Fake Messiah]

President Putin visited a primary school. After speaking to the children, he said he'd answer some questions. A little girl raised her hand.

"I have two questions for you President Putin," she said. "One: why did you annex Crimea? Two: Why have you invaded Ukraine?"

"Why those are excellent questions!" the President exclaimed. But as he opened his mouth to continue, the bell rang for lunch, and the children were dismissed.

After lunch, the children assembled again for the second part of the President's visit. More questions were allowed. A little boy raised his hand this time.

"I have 4 questions for you President Putin," he said. "One: why did you annex Crimea? Two: Why have you invaded Ukraine? Three: Why did the lunch bell ring 20 minutes early, and four: Where is Natasha?"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

(A couple of dusties repurposed for current events):

Vladimir Putin, concerned about his future, visits a fortune teller. She consults her crystal ball, reads his palm, check the tarot cards, and reads his tea leaves.

'I'm sorry, Comrade Putin, but all the methods show me the same answer - you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.'

'Which one?'

'Doesn't matter - ANY day on which you die will be a Ukrainian holiday.'

*****

A man in Kyiv goes to a news stand and buys a paper. He glances at the front page, throws the paper in the rubbish bin, and stalks away. 

This continues for several days. Finally, the stand owners asks, 'Why do you spend money on newspapers but only look at the front page?'

'I'm just looking for an obituary.'

'But the obituaries aren't even on the front page!'

'The one I'm looking for will be.'

*****

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk.



But I never got the chants.

[polymath257]

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk.



But I never got the chants.

Having sex with nuns would be nice, but I can't get into the habit.

[arewethereyet]

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk.



But I never got the chants.

Having sex with nuns would be nice, but I can't get into the habit.

*groan*

[The Valkyrie]

I wanted to be a Gregorian monk.



But I never got the chants.

Having sex with nuns would be nice, but I can't get into the habit.

I used to be obsessed with making concrete nuns.

I was addicted, in fact.

I'm better now, but it's a hard habit to break.