joke time

[Brian37]

A geologist walks into a music shop. He asks the owner for a violin. The owner asks, "What kind?". The geologist responds, "Strata Various of course".

[Darinda]

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: “A baby brother.”
“Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother,” said her mom, “but there isn’t enough time before your birthday.”
“Why don’t you do like they do at Daddy’s factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A farmer hires a new hand, and on the first day tells him, 'Go to the north pasture, round up the sheep, and bring them back to the pens.'

The new man goes off and comes back in good time. 'Here they are boss, all one hundred of them.'

'One hundred? I only own ninety six sheep!'

'Sorry, I thought you said to round them up...'

Boru

[purplepurpose]

God: "I am not God of confusion. I am God of peace".
-Hides Himself
-Word of God is cryptic - metaphoric often.
-Devil exists and yet he is also invisible
-Every Holy book claims to be the most awesome

[Fake Messiah]

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and demand you accept that the light is still on.

[A. Secular Human]

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and demand you accept that the light is still on.

Or that it will turn on again "soon"...

[Darinda]

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…
I don’t know how I pulled through it..
It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had!!

[The Valkyrie]

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…
I don’t know how I pulled through it..
It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had!!

Try a med school exam.

[Darinda]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[purplepurpose]

America is fighting two wars - on terrorism and obesity.
Special luck - when you comes across a fat terrorist.