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RE: joke time
September 23, 2014 at 4:33 pm
My grandfather told me this one:
The other day my father and siblings were at Happy Joe's getting some ice cream. When we went to sit down we couldn't help but notice a boy sitting a few tables over from us with his mother. Now, this boy was ugly. Not just ugly, hairy too. It looked like someone had taken him aside and smacked him with an ugly stick twenty times. We stared for a moment until our father pointed out how rude this was and we went back to eating our ice cream. A few minutes later, we noticed an unfamiliar man standing next to the table with the boy, staring intently at the child. Naturally, the child's mother was concerned by this and asked why the man was staring at her son. "Well, it's because he's so ugly", the man replied. The mother was very upset by this and a loud argument ensued. The manager came over and shooed away the man, who promptly left the restaurant. Seeing the upset mother, the manager apologized profusely for whatever the man had done to cause the incident. Not wanting to lose her business, he threw in an offer: "I'll make it up to you, you can have a free ice cream cone", he said. "And you know what? I'll even throw in a banana for your pet chimp!"
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RE: joke time
September 23, 2014 at 5:02 pm
(This post was last modified: September 23, 2014 at 5:49 pm by Exian.)
Keeping with the ice cream theme...stop me if you heard this one:
A penguin is driving around on a hot day when he notices his car is making a strange noise. He drives to the mechanic to have it checked out.
The mechanic says "It's going to be about 30 minutes, you can wait in the lounge."
The penguin decides its too hot to wait and goes across the street to the ice cream shop. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a penguin trying to eat an ice cream cone with their little flipper hands, but this guy was making a mess of it. Just ice cream everywhere. Head to toe. None of it is getting in his mouth.
When the penguin is done massacring the ice cream cone, he wipes some ice cream off his watch and sees 30 minutes have passed and goes back to the mechanic.
The mechanic walks out wiping his hands with a rag and says "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says "No, I just had ice cream."
I can't remember where this verse is from, I think it got removed from canon:
"I don't hang around with mostly men because I'm gay. It's because men are better than women. Better trained, better equipped...better. Just better! I'm not gay."
For context, this is the previous verse:
"Hi Jesus" -robvalue
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RE: joke time
September 23, 2014 at 6:00 pm
(September 23, 2014 at 5:02 pm)Exian Wrote: Keeping with the ice cream theme...stop me if you heard this one:
How do I stop you from posting? I don't think that's actually possible. 
I have heard it, but it's pretty good nonetheless.
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RE: joke time
September 29, 2014 at 3:55 am
'The odds of there being a bomb on your plane are a million to one. The odds that there are TWO bombs on your plane are a million times a million to one. So, the next time you fly, improve your odds and bring a bomb.' - Benny Hill.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
September 29, 2014 at 3:25 pm
(I suspect Barry Cryer came up with this one on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - it sounds like his style, anyway.)
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
September 29, 2014 at 4:51 pm
René Descartes goes into a restaurant. The waiter asks him if he'd like a drink while he's waiting for his meal.
Descartes says, "I think not" and promptly vanishes.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
September 29, 2014 at 5:40 pm
Here's another talking animal joke. Love these.
A vampire bat named Todd is covered in blood and wobbling through the air on the way home to the Great Batcave. Todd makes quite a ruckus and wakes up a few of his friends as he enters the cave.
Eric: Holy shit, Steve! Look at Tood! He found the mother load!
Steve: Yeah, he's drunk of his ass on blood! He's covered in it! We have to get'em to tell us where he found this gold mine of blood.
The two friends flap over to Todd.
Eric: Todd, man, you have to tell us where you found all that sweet sweet blood!
Todd: Uungrhh...tired...mmmrrrnnggg
Steve: Yeah, we get it. It's some good shit. Just tell us where it's at.
Todd: mrrrrrrhhhhnnn....I need sleephhr
Eric: You can sleep after you show us!
Todd: unnnn...Fine! Follow me.
Todd lead the two friends out of the cave into the night. They flew over hills and rivers and houses and cars and they flew and flew and flew some more.
Eric: Is that it down there?
Todd moaned and kept on flying. Eric and Steve just shrugged and followed Todd.
Steve: Oh, I think I see it down there!
Todd: No, not yet. Keep following.
The trio reached a large wooded area that seemed to stretch on forever. The trees were set on rolling, interwoven hills. Finally, Todd stopped.
Steve: Is this it!?
Todd: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah!?
Todd: Yes. Ok, you see that huge tree over there that stands out taller than all the rest?
Steve and Eric: Yea!?!
Todd: That's funny, cuz I sure the fuck didn't.
I can't remember where this verse is from, I think it got removed from canon:
"I don't hang around with mostly men because I'm gay. It's because men are better than women. Better trained, better equipped...better. Just better! I'm not gay."
For context, this is the previous verse:
"Hi Jesus" -robvalue
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RE: joke time
September 30, 2014 at 9:56 am
How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Give her a phone call.
He who loves God cannot endeavour that God should love him in return - Baruch Spinoza
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RE: joke time
October 2, 2014 at 5:48 pm
Q: What do most men say right after sex?
A: 'Leaving the office now, hon. I'll be home in an hour.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
October 2, 2014 at 6:11 pm
(This post was last modified: October 2, 2014 at 6:15 pm by The Valkyrie.)
I think I've told this one before.
It's Christmas and a little girl sits on Santa's lap.
"And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" asks Santa.
"I want a GI Joe and a Barbie."
Santa laughs, "But Barbie comes with Ken."
"No she comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken!"
A little girl leaves school and is walking home when a car pulls up next to her.
The door opens and the driver says, "Would you like a ride?"
"Nope!" says the little girl and keeps walking.
The car goes around the block and pulls up next to her again. The door opens, "I could give you a ride all the way home!"
"Nope!" says the little girl and carries on walking.
Once again the car circles the block and pulls up next to her. Again the door opens, "If you get in I'll buy you sweeties."
This time the little girl stops, puts her hands on her hips, looks at the driver and says, "Look Dad! You bought the Fiat - you ride in the fucking thing!"
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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