Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[Excited Penguin]

Not sure where I should post this

I'm getting drunk now.

I've quit smoking a month ago, then picked it up again two weeks ago or so. This time, I'm quitting for good. How do I know? I just fucking do. I'm not just keeping my word to myself now... --- That may seem random, I just don't know where to post it. It's an addiction like any other. Any smoker knows this. It's insane. It fucks you up in so many ways, it's crazy. Especially if you're constantly trying to quit and you fail at it over and over again.

I hate it that people here dislike me so much. But nobody cares about that. I can't complain. Who gives a shit, right. I'm a monster, apparently. Monsters don't get to complain.

I feel like I've created a virtual self that doesn't conform with my real self. I am not this person everyone seems to think I am. I'm not trying to look tough. I don't want to be mean to anyone. I've just fallen into a habit. It's unfortunate. It doesn't mean that's who I am.

/rant over. Let me drink in peace now.

[Joods]

Hugs EP. I know it's rough. But hang in there.

[robvalue]

CIJS...
war in my head: I'm thinking contradiction. One thought says "fuck you", the other says "Don't cry". One thought says "of course I'm doing the right thing" while the other says "what am I doing". Reason tells me to keep doing what I'm doing. Is it really reason? Is it really my emotions? Is reason the other thought, not this one? I can't tell. Which is it? Am I digging my own grave? Am I risking, gambling with time and life? Am I being fair? Yes. I'm being prudent and logical. I'm being reasonable. I'm doing the smart thing. Right? Yes? It feels off, though. It feels right, but miserably wrong. It reasons right. It feels wrong. There. That's it. That.

Oh no sis, that sounds so horrible I'm here for you

[Jesster]

CIJS that I'm very grateful to the few wonderful people I know who constantly remind me why life is worth the trouble. I needed that reminder again recently.

[emjay]

Never mind.

[Iroscato]

CIJS...For a man supposedly so comfortable with his heterosexuality, you have a severe tendency to denounce the gays at any given opportunity. How/why my grandmother married a bitter old parasite like you will confound me to my dying day.

[Losty]

CIJS- first of all, you have no right to sit there staring at me with your judging looks. I'm an adult and I get to make my own decisions regardless of your opinion of it. So if I want to eat Oreos for lunch I will. Get over it.

Secondly, I would share with you but chocolate is bad for dogs. Stop staring at me.

[thesummerqueen]

CIJS:

If there's anything I've learned in the past 2 years, it's that keeping my mouth shut is the better part of valor. Things *usually* work out when I don't talk about them - at least not publicly. I don't always keep control of myself - I'm far from perfect - but I've done a decent job compared to my old self and strive to improve every day.

That said, it's really fucking hard not to blast all over the place how shitty you are. It hurts me on personal and impersonal levels and the only reason I even mention keeping my mouth shut is I am tired of passing by all the 'vaguebooking' and hearing about all the comments, and I have to hold back from making my own posts or going into my own rant about how immature and damaged you are.

Which is terrible, because most of the time I don't even feel those urges about anyone or anything. I shouldn't have to get dragged down to a certain amount of immaturity because of you.

Also, now I see why you latched on so closely to certain other people around us, because you both share a specific kind of petty dumbfuckery, and I'm glad I stepped away and don't have to witness it anymore.

Even while I'm miserable, fighting depression or anxiety, I feel so much more at peace now that I no longer hear either of your conversations on a day to day basis.

I cling really, really hard to the good opinions of people I trust and cherish, because living up to those good opinions is a noble and worthwhile path. I hate that you made me walk right off that path into the weeds. I hate that I let you make me do it. I feel like I'm standing further back on that path than I was, pulling thorns and burrs out of my clothes and crying over the scratches they leave and my lost progress. It's going to take me a while to heal and clean myself and catch up.

I hate that I disappointed myself and people who are better than both of us.

I want you to get the help you need. But I want you to go the fuck away to do it.

[Losty]

CIJS- being sweet and shy and soft spoken does not make me weak or pathetic. It doesn't mean I have low self esteem. It doesn't mean I need you to save me, not from someone else or from myself. Pushing me to the point where I am forced to find my pissed off voice and tell you to go fuck yourself is not teaching me some sort of life lesson. I'm not going to see the light and thank you for helping me find my true self. Are you even serious right now? You think no one has ever hurt me before? You think I haven't been through enough shit in my life to make me jaded and cynical? I assure you that I have. I don't need you to show me that I have bad ass potential locked away somewhere deep inside. I know that shit is in there and I'm not afraid to stand up when I need to. But don't devalue who I am. I see good in people, I love people. I want to make people happy. I like to be kind and gentle and non confrontational. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to change. I don't need someone to toughen me up.

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

CIJS, you don't have to be a genius or possess ultra talent in order to pursue a subject that interests you.  In any endeavor, it is completely normal to experience challenge, hardship, and vulnerability; there's no shame in acknowledging this.  It is ultimately through vulnerability, uncertainty, and failure that we are able to make that marvelous breakthrough and discover something fascinatingly beautiful.