Yahweh: I'm going to make a rule against Homosexuality.
Metatron: Oh good. Yes. Probably for the best. You want them to procreate afterall. So you're going to not create homosexual feelings then?
Yahweh: Oh no. That'd be going against Free Will.
Metatron: Right... so you want me to tell Adam?
Yahweh: Oh, no. I think I'll wait a few thousand years. Just keep it simple for Adam. No eating from the tree of knowledge. I'll throw in a snake that can talk just to confuse him, and if he gets past that...
Metatron: Good idea, Sir! Wait a few thousand years, and then tell everyone in every culture that homosexuality is a sin. That way they'll know for sure.
Yahweh: Don't be ridiculous! Do you know how much work that would be. It took me six days to create the world. No, I'm just going to choose one civilization several thousand years from now, and tell THEM.
Metatron: Oh, might I suggest the Egyptians, sir? Or the Chinese? Maybe the Greeks or the Romans.
Yahweh: Nah. I'm going to tell the Hebrews.
Metatron: The who...?
Yahweh: Hebrews.
Metatron: Right. So I suppose you'll be choosing the wisest of all men to tell this to?
Yahweh: Nah. I'm going to pick a crazy guy and tell him to kill his son, then tell him I was only testing him. Once he believes that he'll believe anything.
Metatron: And you're going to have this guy... write your lawS?
Yahweh: No!
Metatron: Oh phew, I was a little worried for a moment. I mean I know you are God and all...
Yahweh: I'm going to wait a couple of generations and then tell his great grandson Moses, who will be an Egyptian Slave.
Metatron: Right... Right... uhh... maybe we could skip over the whole slavery thing? I mean they are your chosen people, and how would it look if they were slaves?
Yahweh: Well I'm planning on saving them! What kind of deity do you take me for? I want them to be indebted to me for all eternity. So I'll save them, and then give them rules to live their life by. I'm thinking ten laws.
Metatron: And I take it homosexuality will be one of those laws?
Yahweh: Nah. I'm going to devote a couple to how they worship me, and then just let Levitical law take care of the icky gay sex. Besides, they'll lose the first set of commandments, then I'll give them another entirely different set. I'll throw in something about not boiling a kid in it's mother's milk. That's just awful.
Metatron: ...and these Hebrews... they're a small portion of the population, no?
Yahweh: Yeah, but I gotta make sure these guys REALLY love me. I'll toss in a few rules, talk about not eating shellfish more than homosexuality, but still talk about homosexuality as an abomination so they do know it. But I don't want to make a big deal of it or anything. Still, it's a big sin.
Metatron: Right. Right. But do you think it's enough?
Yahweh: You're right. Don't worry, i've got plan B. I'm going to send myself down there to explain my laws.
Metatron: Oh phew! For a moment there. Wow. That's genius. And when you're down there you're going to tell the Chinese, the Africans, the Native Americans, the Greeks, and the Romans and you're going to visit all the cultures of the world so that nobody can doubt that your word is actually the word of god. Wow, brilliant sir, if I may say so.
Yahweh: Nah, I'm just going to appear to one group.
Metatron: The Romans then? Or maybe the Greeks? I suggest Romans. Though they do have this thing about hanging people on crosses... a bit disturbing really.
Yahweh: Actually I'm just going to appear to the Hebrews again. I really like Hebrews. I'm going down there as my son unverifably born of a virgin and perform a few unverifable miracles and leave almost no trace of my existence relying on my disciples to spread the word and doing so accurately.
Metatron: ...Ahh.. Right. Of course.
Yahweh: But the thing about crosses? That sounds awesome. So I'm going to sacrifice myself to myself to save everybody.
Metatron: O...Kay. And that's when you're going to talk about the evils of slavery? End oppression of women? Give them the miracles of medicine?
Yahweh: Nah. There's nothing wrong with slavery. It's not a sin! Geez. Slave Owners aren't bad people, but homosexuals are. Rapists are okay too, so long as they pay for their victims virginity. Women are property after all. Going to make sure that my disciples know that. I won't have any women teaching in my church, especially after Eve eats that apple. And as for medicine, well... that's just asking too much if you ask me. I can't give them everything.
Metatron: ...you know, I'm starting to see why Lucifer fell.
Metatron: Oh good. Yes. Probably for the best. You want them to procreate afterall. So you're going to not create homosexual feelings then?
Yahweh: Oh no. That'd be going against Free Will.
Metatron: Right... so you want me to tell Adam?
Yahweh: Oh, no. I think I'll wait a few thousand years. Just keep it simple for Adam. No eating from the tree of knowledge. I'll throw in a snake that can talk just to confuse him, and if he gets past that...
Metatron: Good idea, Sir! Wait a few thousand years, and then tell everyone in every culture that homosexuality is a sin. That way they'll know for sure.
Yahweh: Don't be ridiculous! Do you know how much work that would be. It took me six days to create the world. No, I'm just going to choose one civilization several thousand years from now, and tell THEM.
Metatron: Oh, might I suggest the Egyptians, sir? Or the Chinese? Maybe the Greeks or the Romans.
Yahweh: Nah. I'm going to tell the Hebrews.
Metatron: The who...?
Yahweh: Hebrews.
Metatron: Right. So I suppose you'll be choosing the wisest of all men to tell this to?
Yahweh: Nah. I'm going to pick a crazy guy and tell him to kill his son, then tell him I was only testing him. Once he believes that he'll believe anything.
Metatron: And you're going to have this guy... write your lawS?
Yahweh: No!
Metatron: Oh phew, I was a little worried for a moment. I mean I know you are God and all...
Yahweh: I'm going to wait a couple of generations and then tell his great grandson Moses, who will be an Egyptian Slave.
Metatron: Right... Right... uhh... maybe we could skip over the whole slavery thing? I mean they are your chosen people, and how would it look if they were slaves?
Yahweh: Well I'm planning on saving them! What kind of deity do you take me for? I want them to be indebted to me for all eternity. So I'll save them, and then give them rules to live their life by. I'm thinking ten laws.
Metatron: And I take it homosexuality will be one of those laws?
Yahweh: Nah. I'm going to devote a couple to how they worship me, and then just let Levitical law take care of the icky gay sex. Besides, they'll lose the first set of commandments, then I'll give them another entirely different set. I'll throw in something about not boiling a kid in it's mother's milk. That's just awful.
Metatron: ...and these Hebrews... they're a small portion of the population, no?
Yahweh: Yeah, but I gotta make sure these guys REALLY love me. I'll toss in a few rules, talk about not eating shellfish more than homosexuality, but still talk about homosexuality as an abomination so they do know it. But I don't want to make a big deal of it or anything. Still, it's a big sin.
Metatron: Right. Right. But do you think it's enough?
Yahweh: You're right. Don't worry, i've got plan B. I'm going to send myself down there to explain my laws.
Metatron: Oh phew! For a moment there. Wow. That's genius. And when you're down there you're going to tell the Chinese, the Africans, the Native Americans, the Greeks, and the Romans and you're going to visit all the cultures of the world so that nobody can doubt that your word is actually the word of god. Wow, brilliant sir, if I may say so.
Yahweh: Nah, I'm just going to appear to one group.
Metatron: The Romans then? Or maybe the Greeks? I suggest Romans. Though they do have this thing about hanging people on crosses... a bit disturbing really.
Yahweh: Actually I'm just going to appear to the Hebrews again. I really like Hebrews. I'm going down there as my son unverifably born of a virgin and perform a few unverifable miracles and leave almost no trace of my existence relying on my disciples to spread the word and doing so accurately.
Metatron: ...Ahh.. Right. Of course.
Yahweh: But the thing about crosses? That sounds awesome. So I'm going to sacrifice myself to myself to save everybody.
Metatron: O...Kay. And that's when you're going to talk about the evils of slavery? End oppression of women? Give them the miracles of medicine?
Yahweh: Nah. There's nothing wrong with slavery. It's not a sin! Geez. Slave Owners aren't bad people, but homosexuals are. Rapists are okay too, so long as they pay for their victims virginity. Women are property after all. Going to make sure that my disciples know that. I won't have any women teaching in my church, especially after Eve eats that apple. And as for medicine, well... that's just asking too much if you ask me. I can't give them everything.
Metatron: ...you know, I'm starting to see why Lucifer fell.
