RE: Your opinions, please
December 8, 2015 at 2:09 pm
(This post was last modified: December 8, 2015 at 2:09 pm by Whateverist.)
(December 7, 2015 at 2:50 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: In the few weeks after I quit, she twice falsely accused me of drinking. The first time I didn't say anything, because I knew that my own dishonesty in the past had sown the seeds for her mistrust.
The only thing I have to offer here is that your avoiding conflict/anger in the first instance probably contributed to your stronger reaction to the second. Perhaps acknowledging what you're feeling the first time even couched in humor would serve you better. "Guess nobody's gonna believe me now." Something to register your hurt even while acknowledging the reasonableness of her being wary.
(December 7, 2015 at 2:50 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: The second time we had some words, and left off the conversation in a little heat.
Perhaps if you had said more the first time she'd be more mindful of the tension the second time. Doesn't mean she wouldn't have said anything but she might have done so in a manner consistent with two people trying to help one of them with a problem as their confidant.
(December 7, 2015 at 2:50 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: I didn't bring it up thereafter because I didn't want to start what would inevitably be an argument. She never acknowledged my protests nor apologized, and specifically refused to do so.
From her point of view, you attacked her out of the blue and beyond all proportion the second time. She doesn't know about the allowance you've already made for her earlier suspicion. She needed the feedback that while reasonable, her suspicion is still hurtful and she needed to get that the first time.
(December 7, 2015 at 2:50 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: But when I posted in social media about my making the one-month mark, she texted me her congratulations. I rejected her congratulations, writing her that her congratulations were hypocritical given her accusations.
I feel for you here. But making unspoken compromises to shield the other just sets you up for resentment that she doesn't really deserve. I have the same tendency but I am committed to communicating as soon as I recognize that I've done it again. Humor can help.
(December 7, 2015 at 2:50 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: It's been a sore spot between us since. She insists that I was entirely wrong for having refused her congratulations. She also thinks that in the week between her last false accusation and the texts which set off the argument, I should not have tried to avoided discussing the issue; she feels that I was being fake in that week. My attitude was "let's leave it behind us", until the congratulatory text, with its pretense.
She is right. Your well intentioned withhold earlier left her with a false reading of you. It didn't help.
Rejecting her congratulations hurt her. Looks like you may have tendered change in the same coin there my friend.
(December 7, 2015 at 2:50 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: I hold that congratulating me on my sobriety even as you hold to your charges of insobriety (which she did, she reiterated her charges in the argument that followed) is nonsense. If you are going to congratulate me, you'd ought to make note of your false accusation: "I guess I was wrong. Congrats on your month!" ... or something like that. To skip that step feels dishonest.
Would you please give me your opinions, as laid out in the poll above, and the reasoning why you feel the way you do?
I sided with her in the poll. You had more power to improve the situation by being more communicative but didn't. We all make messes. Clean it up and move on.
