Possible and impossible

[drfuzzy]

Growing up in Pentecostalism, I believed that being baptized in the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues was not only legit but important.  My problem was always that I didn't want to look like a fool doing what those other spirit-filled fools were doing, e.g. running the aisles, crawling/crying, dancing/screaming.  I was told that this was my pride and that I would have to give this to God, so I tried.  I REALLY tried to speak in tongues and actually worked myself into an emotional state, but no tongues.  I was really depressed over this and talked to the pastor who said that I just needed to open my mouth and start making noise and have faith that this was God.  Then, I was told I needed to practice it every day and my language would get better.  I continued in the faith for another 10-15 years, but I never tried to speak in tongues again.  I was certain that this was nothing more than well-meaning self deception.

Very similar experience to mine, Old Baby.  I simply COULDN'T speak in tongues . . . I knew that I was making up gibberish.  I didn't have any of the experiences people were describing, none of the feelings, none of the messages from god, nothing.  And I knew, even then, as a pre-teenager, that either it was all delusion - - or I wasn't good enough.  Of course, I chose the latter and ran with it for years.  
    Between that and trying to look up "homosexuality" in a xtian school library in the early 1970's . . . here are the roots of my breaking free.  I knew at the time that (at least most) of these people were lying about their experiences to look good to their peers.  I saw the shame and pity heaped upon those who wouldn't play the game.  I saw the pride and posturing of those who were being complimented for their stories and "spirit-filled" behavior.  And I saw preacher after preacher being sent away for sexual misconduct - usually with a minor.  Looking back, it's a little sickening.