To kill a mocking depression

[robvalue]

I'm really enjoying everyone's input. It's interesting, because everyone has experienced it differently, yet there are so many similarities. Whateverist has a garden. I have my dates with myself.

In my case, when people mention "when I was depressed" or "I was depressed for a year", it's interesting and I want to learn more about that experience, because it has been different to me. I want to learn more about how they met it, was it scary, you know, the new experience. 

I have suffered depression since I was six. I don't know what it's like to live a whole year without an appearance. All I know is how to fight it, thrive, camouflage it, control, and recognize it. I don't just survive anymore. I'm living, but when someone asks if I'm depressed, it feels incorrect. It sounds like a common cold. Like something that I'm momentarily experiencing. I have chronic depression. It's the only life I've known. 

Yet, those of you who know me, know I'm not a crying baby every day. Actually, I laugh and smile a lot. I'm a happy person with chronic depression. Heh. Makes sense to me.

I went through a bout of depression in my twenties, relating to how my parents were treating me. I become paralysed with it at one point, I found myself unable to move for a good half an hour. My body had decided there was no point to ever doing anything ever again. It took me a year and a half of CBT and a lot of hard work to fight back from suicidal to just about coping. I managed to move away from parents, to live on my own, and it was absolute bliss. The depression seemed to finally drop away, and I was happy for a few years.

Then I got struck down suddenly with CFS. The depression soon returned. That was about 10 years ago now. I've been depressed ever since, all that has varied is the intensity. About 6 years ago I was at hell's gate, every second seemed an eternity of suffering. I begged for death.

With an awful out of work and therapy I managed to crawl back up to "barely coping", but not quite suicidal all the time. This dragged on for a lot more years. Eventually I couldn't stand it any more and I was deteriorating again, so I sought out more professional help and begged for more anti depressants. I got my dose increased, and I saw an excellent therapist. She helped me make some major adjustments to my attitude, ones I didn't realise I needed to make. It made a massive difference.

I'm still suicidal, I fantasise about being dead most days. It's just not as frequent or as strong as it was, and I am able to push it aside and get on with things more of the time. I've tried through all of this to stay as positive as possible, to keep fighting and never give up. How I made it here, I don't know. It's a testament especially to my wife, without her I doubt I'd be alive today. And to the excellent mental health professionals who helped me.

I may have CFS for life, and my depression is likely to last at least as long as that does. I may well always be struggling with it. I have a weird kind of cognitive dissonance where I can't bear the thought of not being with my wife, pets and friends; yet I want to be dead as well. I want it all to be over. But I decided a long time ago that I would never do that to my loved ones. I decided suicide was not an option. And based on that, there's only been one time I've actually been in danger of going through with it. That's quite amazing considering how long I've spent fantasising about it.

So now I'm as strong as I have been since this depression started, but it's still very much there, and it doesn't take much for it to spring on me. I get very emotional really easily, and sometimes floods of tears get triggered by something and need to be let out. Life is hard, every day is a grind, with both my CFS and depression. But I keep going, because of those who care about me, and so I can hopefully do some good in the world.