RE: Did Jesus Christ ever tell a joke ?
January 31, 2017 at 11:37 am
(This post was last modified: January 31, 2017 at 11:39 am by Crossless2.0.)
Good evening, folks. It's great to be back in Jerusalem! I just got in from Galilee, and boy is my ass tired!
*Puzzled silence*
So how many of you are from out of town, huh? Come on, let's see some hands . . . how many are here for the big festival? Ok, yeah, most of you. How about you, sir, where are you from?
"Uh, Bethlehem."
Bethlehem? No shit? Yeah, I'm from there too. Great town, great town -- if you have a fucking reservation. You know what I mean?
*more puzzled silence*
But anyway . . . so yeah, I just got in from Galilee and my ass is tired.
[Voice from the back]: "You already said that!"
Yeah? Well, there are two of them! Ha ha!
"You suck!"
Hey now! That's not nice.
"And you suck!"
Tough crowd, tough crowd . . . Jesus Christ! Ha! But enough about me -- how about a few magic tricks, huh? I'd cast demons into some pigs, but I wouldn't want to drive off your wife, sir.
"What the fuck did you say about my wife?"
Nothing, nothing! Come on, we're all friends here. And your wife is a lovely woman. Really. The last time I saw a figure like that . . . did I mention my two asses?
*scattered boos as a few people get up to leave*
No, but seriously folks, you see that look on her face? That's the look of an unsatisfied woman, if you get my drift. I'm not saying it's her husband's fault though. I mean, we're only supposed to eat kosher. Ha! Get it? No pig!
"You motherfucker!" *man rushes stage and is restrained by Peter and John*
Funny he should mention that, folks. I'm not saying my mother is a tramp or anything, but word has it that my dad is actually God. Boy, talk about an absentee parent!
*entire audience starts booing and throwing produce*
No, seriously, that's actually true! My old man is God.
*a few more people angrily try to rush the stage as everyone else gets up and starts to leave*
Wait! Where are you going?!? You'll miss the big finale -- water into wine! It's part of the package you paid for!
"You're the worst act yet, asshole!"
I'll be here through Friday . . . try the veal!"
[Jesus sits down despondently and turns to Judas]
Dude, I think this whole trip was a mistake, a bad plan. You have to do something, Judas. I'm fucking dying here in Jerusalem!
*Puzzled silence*
So how many of you are from out of town, huh? Come on, let's see some hands . . . how many are here for the big festival? Ok, yeah, most of you. How about you, sir, where are you from?
"Uh, Bethlehem."
Bethlehem? No shit? Yeah, I'm from there too. Great town, great town -- if you have a fucking reservation. You know what I mean?
*more puzzled silence*
But anyway . . . so yeah, I just got in from Galilee and my ass is tired.
[Voice from the back]: "You already said that!"
Yeah? Well, there are two of them! Ha ha!
"You suck!"
Hey now! That's not nice.
"And you suck!"
Tough crowd, tough crowd . . . Jesus Christ! Ha! But enough about me -- how about a few magic tricks, huh? I'd cast demons into some pigs, but I wouldn't want to drive off your wife, sir.
"What the fuck did you say about my wife?"
Nothing, nothing! Come on, we're all friends here. And your wife is a lovely woman. Really. The last time I saw a figure like that . . . did I mention my two asses?
*scattered boos as a few people get up to leave*
No, but seriously folks, you see that look on her face? That's the look of an unsatisfied woman, if you get my drift. I'm not saying it's her husband's fault though. I mean, we're only supposed to eat kosher. Ha! Get it? No pig!
"You motherfucker!" *man rushes stage and is restrained by Peter and John*
Funny he should mention that, folks. I'm not saying my mother is a tramp or anything, but word has it that my dad is actually God. Boy, talk about an absentee parent!
*entire audience starts booing and throwing produce*
No, seriously, that's actually true! My old man is God.
*a few more people angrily try to rush the stage as everyone else gets up and starts to leave*
Wait! Where are you going?!? You'll miss the big finale -- water into wine! It's part of the package you paid for!
"You're the worst act yet, asshole!"
I'll be here through Friday . . . try the veal!"
[Jesus sits down despondently and turns to Judas]
Dude, I think this whole trip was a mistake, a bad plan. You have to do something, Judas. I'm fucking dying here in Jerusalem!
