Anyone makes mental health jokes...

[The Industrial Atheist]

How could you be responsible? You certainly didn't design your own brain

How could I not be is a better question. And while I didn't design my brain or DNA, I designed a lot of the outcomes of my brain due to states I embraced, decisions I made. 

And the illness, when I really reflect about it, is me through and through. It's not something I could separate from myself, and the dopamine receptors going haywire, is because I overclocked and didn't listen to advise we all knew as children,  basic things like eating and sleeping... 

I still see how I saw the onset, the storms coming, the affliction, but instead of turning way from the path of the trial madness, I playfully went down that road.  It was like it was fun to do it all at that time.

Not taking the dangers seriously, there was nothing my family or anyone can do. Not the Angels of healing, not the Guides, not all the Messengers combined, I was bent on listening to irrationality and awaken a sense I was not ready to awaken.

And when it came to overtake me, I didn't the guidance and help shown by anyone that wished me well, and just listened and embraced the irrational destructive whispers, till the demon in me took over me, and till I had no control over my body.

I gave it control. I let go. I remember it all vividly. The days that lead to it. Every step of the way.  How when everyone is warning me to not go off the rails, it was like I wanted to go off the rails.

And boy did I do it.

Not the whole world combining to stop me, every good human and Angel, every guide, every single living thing, could of told me good advice, I probably would not heed it, but listen to the irrational dark sword I embraced.

I know the irrational curse sword I embraced. I know it well. 

I know it all too well.

And then after that, nothing but denial of the illness. Like I couldn't acknowledge it.

Refusing treatments, all good advice, etc.. 

No one could help me. 

No one.

And then I gave up religion because I became so irrational that I put irrational terms of how thing should be interpreted on it. Hasty in conclusions. 

I disregarded not only the scripture I very well knew was from God, but all scriptures, as if there was no chance of any scripture that I have no read to be from God.

And in that ignorance, playfully made arguments, to due away with any helping hand from God and any handhold or rope stretched out.

In that period despair became to take me.  My high buildings were broken, I saw nothing but darkness as the future.

I am lucky for all my family and friends that were kind to me. I am lucky for the healers from Nurses to Doctors to Recreational therapists, that helped me.

I am lucky Michael and the Angels under him, didn't give up on me.

I am lucky of all the help from everyone physically and spiritually, socially and silently, all the help... 

And there some things that happened that I won't go to detail of, but I am lucky a lot. 

I don't deserve any of the health I have now, and I thankful I was taken out of it, from plenty of help.

I can sympathize with the whole seeing darkness as the future thing. Like sometimes the simulation software in my brain is in overdrive, but it only predicts the many ways things could go wrong.

There may have been people trying to help you, but most likely the only thing that really could have done so is medical help.

Without getting into a long spiel into how I feel about religion, isn't it possible from your perspective that you are one of many people that were sick through no fault of your own, like the many who have cancer or heart disease, and it wasn't a punishment?