The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Kiara the Brave, a, you know what, I'm just going to call this a Notbuster, because calling it a mockbuster implies that the movie in some question was made to capitalise on the popularity of another film. This is not. It was released a year before Brave, has nothing plotwise to do with the plot, and the red-haired princess Kiara on the cover of the DVD and the title barely appears. This is actually a depressingly common phoenomenon. In his The Not-Disney Collection, I Hate Everything includes one film that was briefly the worst film he had ever seen, if he could even call it a movie, a little thing called Tangled Up. It was a collection of six short filmsfrom Brittanica's Fairy Tales from Around the World (complete with the title sequences every time), and the first one we saw? Hansel and Gretel.  And like that film, I think this is the worst one I've ever seen.

• So, the movie starts with the planets bickering and the Sun tells them off, telling them he prefers Dreamzone. And the planets are all just floating heads that kind of look like the planets in question. Except for a brief scene about 10 minutes into the film, they never appear again, except for a short scene in the credits.
  
• The animation is uncanny, bathed in garish neon colours that make it look like the cut scenes from the worst PS1 games ever transferred to film that was overexposed. Everything looks like there's this big glowing thing either in the middle of everything or just around the lines, and a lot of the time, many characters have both.
  
• Also, at one point, a character has water poured on them and it looks like he has a waterproof sheen that keeps him from getting wet.
  
• Among other things, the lip-sync is horrible. If you're lucky, you might get a sentence where the character's mouth moves like he's actually saying what the soundtrack is saying. I was going to assume that this was down to its being a foreign production, since it was made in India, but of the 22 officially recognised languages spoken in India, as far as I can tell, this was apparently originally done in English. 
  
  
  
  
• So a kid goes from being an infant to a lad of at least ten, ready to vacuum his room, in less than a night?
  
• The school scene is so shit it's not even funny. The film treats it like a funny montage of him failing in the traditional paths of heroism, but the pacing is all wrong and he walks very slowly. And then the school starts to burst after he leaves the grounds. Dafuq?  
  
• Also, there's a scene where one character dresses like a pirate and calls themselves Jack. Somehow, this Brave notbuster has more to do with Pirates of the Caribbean than its namesake. And everyone has Orlando Bloom's nonexistent acting chops.
  
• WHY IS THE DRAGON RAPPING? And why is it so lackluster?
  
• Who are all these people and why are they dancing? Okay, so it's Princess Kiara's birthday party, except they barely explain it. And in this Indian film, ironically, she's the sole character who wears closed-toed shoes.
  
• The two goblins who keep bickering around are the worst comic relief ever, and, like everyone else in the movie, it sounds like the actors are just reading off lines. As a result, when we get them into intrigue about who will become the king of Dreamworld, I don't give a shit, even when it turns out that the king of Dreamworld has the ability to fuck with the people of Earth like we're their game of Sims.
  
• Somehow they managed to make elemental bending look even more boring than Shyamalan did.
  
• So, it's suddenly a film about global warming, and these guys who look like Ben Kingsley with a purple domino mask and Jesus with hair like Big Bob Pataki's even more unscrupulous partner are behind it.
  
• Also, this is yet another film where nobody seems to be able to get the runtime straight. The box says it's 80 minutes long, the disc says it's 70, and in reality, it's 89 minutes, 42 seconds in length.
  
• Why does the wizard have a cell phone?
  
• Okay, fun fact: When I took on One Missed Call, there was a scene where Margaret Cho played a caretaker, and she seemed to just put on a Southern accent every five lines or so. In literally any other film, this would have been a bad performance, in that film, it was a sign that she was putting far more effort into that performance than literally everyone else in the film combined. About ten minutes into this film, I noticed that this film didn't have any redeeming qualities. 45 minutes later, I'm still waiting...
  
• So, 55 minutes into the film, there's this kid who teleports into the villain's lair, and he looks like he's a stereotypical greaser with a wifebeater (no jacket), a flat-top that you could probably write on, and a pencil-thin moustache trash talking him and vomiting flowers, and apparently he's part of the hero's team even though he's barely been seen with them, and I think I would remember a mouthy kid with a tank top and facial hair like John Waters.
  
• Multiple powers=freak? How?
  
• And then the bad guy turns into an octopus with four tentacle-legs. Normally, I'd be into that, but this film is so shit, I no longer give a shit. Honestly, I stopped giving a shit at the 10 minute mark.
  

Well, that was the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen. Now to listen to something less disgusting... like listening to Henry Zebrowski, Ben Kissel, and Marcus Park go over the grisly crimes of H.H. Holmes.