The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Kiara the Brave, a, you know what, I'm just going to call this a Notbuster, because calling it a mockbuster implies that the movie in some question was made to capitalise on the popularity of another film. This is not. It was released a year before Brave, has nothing plotwise to do with the plot, and the red-haired princess Kiara on the cover of the DVD and the title barely appears. This is actually a depressingly common phoenomenon. In his The Not-Disney Collection, I Hate Everything includes one film that was briefly the worst film he had ever seen, if he could even call it a movie, a little thing called Tangled Up. It was a collection of six short filmsfrom Brittanica's Fairy Tales from Around the World (complete with the title sequences every time), and the first one we saw? Hansel and Gretel.  And like that film, I think this is the worst one I've ever seen.

• So, the movie starts with the planets bickering and the Sun tells them off, telling them he prefers Dreamzone. And the planets are all just floating heads that kind of look like the planets in question. Except for a brief scene about 10 minutes into the film, they never appear again, except for a short scene in the credits.
  
• The animation is uncanny, bathed in garish neon colours that make it look like the cut scenes from the worst PS1 games ever transferred to film that was overexposed. Everything looks like there's this big glowing thing either in the middle of everything or just around the lines, and a lot of the time, many characters have both.
  
• Also, at one point, a character has water poured on them and it looks like he has a waterproof sheen that keeps him from getting wet.
  
• Among other things, the lip-sync is horrible. If you're lucky, you might get a sentence where the character's mouth moves like he's actually saying what the soundtrack is saying. I was going to assume that this was down to its being a foreign production, since it was made in India, but of the 22 officially recognised languages spoken in India, as far as I can tell, this was apparently originally done in English. 
  
  
  
  
• So a kid goes from being an infant to a lad of at least ten, ready to vacuum his room, in less than a night?
  
• The school scene is so shit it's not even funny. The film treats it like a funny montage of him failing in the traditional paths of heroism, but the pacing is all wrong and he walks very slowly. And then the school starts to burst after he leaves the grounds. Dafuq?  
  
• Also, there's a scene where one character dresses like a pirate and calls themselves Jack. Somehow, this Brave notbuster has more to do with Pirates of the Caribbean than its namesake. And everyone has Orlando Bloom's nonexistent acting chops.
  
• WHY IS THE DRAGON RAPPING? And why is it so lackluster?
  
• Who are all these people and why are they dancing? Okay, so it's Princess Kiara's birthday party, except they barely explain it. And in this Indian film, ironically, she's the sole character who wears closed-toed shoes.
  
• The two goblins who keep bickering around are the worst comic relief ever, and, like everyone else in the movie, it sounds like the actors are just reading off lines. As a result, when we get them into intrigue about who will become the king of Dreamworld, I don't give a shit, even when it turns out that the king of Dreamworld has the ability to fuck with the people of Earth like we're their game of Sims.
  
• Somehow they managed to make elemental bending look even more boring than Shyamalan did.
  
• So, it's suddenly a film about global warming, and these guys who look like Ben Kingsley with a purple domino mask and Jesus with hair like Big Bob Pataki's even more unscrupulous partner are behind it.
  
• Also, this is yet another film where nobody seems to be able to get the runtime straight. The box says it's 80 minutes long, the disc says it's 70, and in reality, it's 89 minutes, 42 seconds in length.
  
• Why does the wizard have a cell phone?
  
• Okay, fun fact: When I took on One Missed Call, there was a scene where Margaret Cho played a caretaker, and she seemed to just put on a Southern accent every five lines or so. In literally any other film, this would have been a bad performance, in that film, it was a sign that she was putting far more effort into that performance than literally everyone else in the film combined. About ten minutes into this film, I noticed that this film didn't have any redeeming qualities. 45 minutes later, I'm still waiting...
  
• So, 55 minutes into the film, there's this kid who teleports into the villain's lair, and he looks like he's a stereotypical greaser with a wifebeater (no jacket), a flat-top that you could probably write on, and a pencil-thin moustache trash talking him and vomiting flowers, and apparently he's part of the hero's team even though he's barely been seen with them, and I think I would remember a mouthy kid with a tank top and facial hair like John Waters.
  
• Multiple powers=freak? How?
  
• And then the bad guy turns into an octopus with four tentacle-legs. Normally, I'd be into that, but this film is so shit, I no longer give a shit. Honestly, I stopped giving a shit at the 10 minute mark.
  

Well, that was the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen. Now to listen to something less disgusting... like listening to Henry Zebrowski, Ben Kissel, and Marcus Park go over the grisly crimes of H.H. Holmes.

[veoli]

American Gangster 7/10
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 7/10

Good family fun from old Harry.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'From Hell'.  Not an awful adaptation of the graphic novel.  Nor is it a good representation of the Whitechapel Murders, but it isn't supposed to be.

6/10.

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

'Attraction'. A film you've never heard of. I saw it while scanning options on Amazon Prime with my Roku. In this 2017 Russian (!) science fiction production, an alien ship crash-lands in a district of Moscow. The version I watched was overdubbed in English, but done well enough that it wasn't a distraction. (I find that sub-titles sometimes remove me from the cinematic experience.) Decent quality from a production, direction, acting and sfx standpoint. Being a sci-fi fan from a very young age, I found it to be fairly satisfying, but a little light on plot. I'd give it a solid "C", or 7.5/10.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. I should point out that I have very little knowledge of the Street Fighter francihse, and all of it has come from old That Guy With The Glasses videos, what little I researched to understand "Striking Vipers,"  and also foot porn of Makoto, who does not appear in the movie, so don't expect a fan to be pissed off.

• The opening shot is a static shot of the Golden Gate Bridge with piano music playing over it, eventually panning over to see the young Chun-Li playing piano with her nurturing father by her side. Because I'm sure that's what the fans of fighting games want to see in a movie!
  
• And even when the fighting actually starts (in friendly martial arts training sessions), it's all so slow that the audience isn't invested.
  
• Then, we get an actual fight scene, with some random people fighting her dad, and it starts with someone throwing a staff through the fridge door, and you'd expect for a series whose entire raison d'etre is spectacular fighting, it'd actually be a bit more interesting. And add to it that so little is developed that you barely even give a shit. And it all stops because "a gentleman should never hit a schoolgirl." Seriously. And he still calls her a schoolgirl even as she's clearly in her twenties.
  
• Overall, this feels like Catwoman, with all the earnest, but half-assed, attempts at character development, a lot of random bullshit I'm fairly certain wasn't in the actual games, but without the random attempts at humour that at least kept it barely watchable.
  
• And 20 minutes in, I just realise how little anyone actually looks like their canonical characters: Charlie looks like a cross between Benedict Cumberbatch and Nicolas Cage, Maya/Crimson Viper looks like J. Lo, and M. Bison looks like Evil Irish Neil Patrick Harris. Seriously, you have a character with such an iconic costume that even I recognise it immediately, and you change it to a generic-looking mob boss (who's white despite being based out of Asia?)
  
  
  
  
• And then, when Chun-Li's father is dead, she just tries to lose herself in the nightlife of Bangkok and not seek revenge? Granted, this is generally good advice, but for a Street Fighter movie? For a character whose motivations (if the Wikipedia article is any indication) are obsessed with gaining vengeance for the death of her father?
  
• And does she grow from a full-blooded Asian girl to a 3/4 white Canadian? Are you really that fucking bad at casting?
  
  
  
  
• And almost 30 minutes, we have a fight scene where Chun-Li shows off how badass she was, pulling off showy moves, and she's suddenly this talented fighter even though, for all we know, she hasn't bothered fighting since she was a little girl. Sure, she collapses when it's all over and she pushes a shelf that was just randomly in an alleyway onto the muggers she's fighting, but still. 
  
• Fucking Hell, is Robin Shou a lackluster actor.
  
• And do Charlie and Maya even have anything to do in this movie except investigate the action and act like the action movie equivalent to the teens necking in the car in Manos? TO be fair, I think they might be a bit more interesting if they were in another movie, and actually doing shit other than screwing, clubbing, and maybe making some pretense towards actually investigating the crimes in question. Maybe if it was a Michael Mann movie, okay, maybe just something Mann puts his name on and doesn't actually direct.
  
• Also, about this fight scene: Damn, those Bangkok bathrooms look so fragile. I mean, I actually have a sink like the one in this bathroom, and it's nowhere near this fragile, and that's saying nothing of those doors. I mean, I know Thailand has a bad rep, but it's like their stall doors are made of glass, and for all the crazy sex shit that goes on, I highly doubt that that shit's legal. 
  
  
  
  
• M. Bison is literally using a live (or just barely so) woman as a fucking punching bag.
  
• And then, he's implanted his conscience into his unborn daughter, and then, judging by what I can see, I think he pushes the baby out of his pregnant wife like he's popping a zit.
  

Thank you, Morbo. Since it's already about midnight, I think this is a good enough place to stop the movie so I can go to sleep. Maybe I'll write about the last 40 minutes of the movie tomorrow.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

'Attraction'.  A film you've never heard of.  I saw it while scanning options on Amazon Prime with my Roku.  In this 2017 Russian (!) science fiction production, an alien ship crash-lands in a district of Moscow.  The version I watched was overdubbed in English, but done well enough that it wasn't a distraction.  (I find that sub-titles sometimes remove me from the cinematic experience.)  Decent quality from a production, direction, acting and sfx standpoint.  Being a sci-fi fan from a very young age, I found it to be fairly satisfying, but a little light on plot.  I'd give it a solid "C", or 7.5/10.

I got about twenty minutes into that one.

[Rev. Rye]

Okay, back to the Legend of Chun-Li:

• Vega is apparently ugly enough to have to wear a mask. His actor just looks fine.
  
• And something I should have mentioned: Chun-Li's father is still alive.
  
• Something I should have pointed out: Michael Clarke-Duncan actually made a good Balrog. His performance is actually decent, and he even looks like Balrog (or at least what GIS tells me he looks like). Also, I just found out M. Bison, Balrog, and Vega have their names all switched up in Japan for some reason.
  
• Oh, man, looking for White Rose in a movie set in Asia... this won't end well. Yes, I know this isn't the same White Rose from Mr. Robot, but still, I can't go on treating it as I Can't Believe It's Not Michael Mann forever.
  
• So the cops actually have something to do, and it's to serve as backup for Chun-Li. And why are they the backup for her?
  
• And WHY did M. Bison implant his conscience into his daughter? And why is he looking for her? You'd think that someone building an evil empire in Bangkok would want to keep their conscience far away, and if he's building it for her, wouldn't it help if she was just as hard-hearted as him so she doesn't find some way to bring his whole Dr. Mabuse shit down?
  
• So, what does the Street Fighter tournament have to do with anything in this movie? And did Bison even mention it at all?
  
• And are they still pronouncing it "Rye-OO?" In 2009?
  

Well, this was better than last week's Deep Hurting Project film. Then again, Kiara the Brave is a pretty bloody high bar to clear for absolute shit.

[EgoDeath]

Mara

Horror flick about sleep paralysis.

Meh.

5/10

Personal Shopper

Creepy, atmospheric horror starring Kristen Stewart. I actually liked it.

7/10

Sword of Destiny

Netflix Original about ancient Chinese dynasties going to war over this famed sword. Pretty cool. I always love period pieces about ancient China.

8/10

[Rev. Rye]

You know what, I only watched the movie Baby Geniuses because the sequel is part of the Deep Hurting Project, but, you know what, I think this is going to be the worst film I've ever seen that ISN'T officially on the "So Bad It's Horrible" list, so this is an honorary entry.

• The premise makes no sense: apparently babies have this secret way of understanding the world that requires supercomputers to pull something out of their asses to interpret banging around on a toy piano into a Bach-like fugue. I know a film with a premise that's blatantly absurd can still be good (like how The Dirty Dozen mission would almost certainly ever be approved by Americans)
  
  

  ---

  Though, IRL, the Nazis actually tried that same thing; Dirlewanger Brigade ended up about as well as you expected it to, committing so many atrocities that even the Waffen-SS wanted nothing to do with them.

  ---

  or how the Crank movies become hilarious even though the premises behind them make no sense, but Bob Clark is not Robert Aldrich or Mark Neveldine. He may have made A Christmas Story, but he plays this shit dead-straight. He doesn't embrace the absurdity of the premise, and as such, it just becomes horseshit, that's either insulting and offensive [like one scene where Sly has to swap clothes with a girl in a baby carriage, she says "at least buy me dinner first." For adults, this is just a hackneyed joke. For infants, it's horrifying] when it's on the babies, or just fucking BORING when it focuses on the adults (not just the adults at the Kinder Institute, but the parents).
  
• The effects that go into making the babies look super-intelligent (or at least on par with an older kid) just look lackluster, and it's clear that they've put Dwarves in the movie as much as possible to sub for the babies, and while it's not quite at "Mike Myers' adult face on a kid's body" levels, it's still blatantly obvious that their faces are pasted onto dwarf's bodies, and with lip-sync I swear I've seen on Clutch Cargo. And the voice actors are at Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny levels of bored phoning it in.
  
• You know what, forget the "babies are secretly geniuses" plot: everything about the secret baby-lab makes no sense. There is no reason for BabyCo to have a secret underground lab. From what I've seen, their experiments consist of monitoring children in controlled environments, isolating them from the outside world, and using supercomputers (which spout out exposition they should already know) to monitor their progress to prove the effectiveness of the Kinder Method of childrearing in making babies more intelligent. They could just keep doing what they're doing with none of this cloak and dagger shit, hell, they could outsource them from their employees and it would be 100% legal. And they give these kids  toys that could easily be used to CREATE A GUN THAT JAMS ELECTRONIC DEVICES SO THEY CAN ESCAPE MORE EASILY.
  
• And then there's this scene:
  
  Yes, not only do they go for such a bottom-of-the-barrel joke, have the self-awareness to explain how obvious it is, fall victim to it anyway, but they do this TWICE. IN AS MANY MINUTES. And they use the same speech. I seriously had to rewind the DVD to confirm that, yes, they did it twice.
  
• Why are  the babies able to hypnotise Dom DeLuise so easily (and if it's just because he's already asleep, why is Dickie hypnotised when he's wide awake)? And why do they make him do this?
  
  
  
• What the fuck is Dickie doing with a "Stop" sign on his forehead? 
  
• And they end it with a shitty country music ballad by Randy Travis over clips of the rest of the movie like it's something we're supposed to give a shit about.
  

And, of course, despite having such a horrible reputation, it not only got a sequel, it got FOUR. Apparently, the first one (which I will get to eventually) was because it got some success on home video and the last three were compilations of a Baby Geniuses TV series that aired in Italy and the Far East that was edited into three movies for the US market (I won't get to these). I legitimately have no idea how bad the sequel has to be to make the Horrible films list, while this doesn't (full disclosure, I've watched the I Hate Everything and Nostalgia Critic reviews for both of the first two movies, and they actually think the sequel is the better movie, and given that the Metacritic score of the sequel is actually higher than the original [it's still 9 vs 6 out of 100, but still], I can't assume this is a majority opinion.) And now, this week's actual entry in the Deep Hurting Project, Son of the Mask is most likely coming tomorrow.

[Rev. Rye]

Now for this week's actual entry in the Deep Hurting Project: Son of the Mask. In preparation for this movie, I decided to re-watch the original for context. It was fairly decent, although the CGI is clearly a bit dated (it was a quarter century ago, after all)

• How the fuck does a culture create guitars and harmonicas without tools, Ben?
  
• Loki's ugly? Just wait a few years.
  
• Okay, I admit I saw through the CGI when I rewatched the original a couple days ago, but five minutes in, we see Ben Stein's face separated from his body, and it looks horrible. It makes you appreciate the ancient CGI in the original a lot more.
  
• This baby's going to be a genius... fucking Hell, I just watched that movie yesterday and I do not need to be reminded of it again. At least not until I have to deal with the sequel.
  
• So, this is going to be a family comedy... and Jamie Kennedy makes his first appearance getting head-butted in the groin. And fantasizing about babies with vampire fangs. And alternately fighting with his wife, and grabbing her face while she's driving. And he can't even make a good anti-natalist argument.
  
  
  Why are we supposed to like him? Because he makes leather-bound flipbooks that make him look kind and sensitive?
• This guy's dog has a bigger room than I do. 
  
• Why doesn't Odin locate the Mask with his all-seeing eye? That's a good fucking question. Even if this is Loki's punishment, there's no reason he can't locate it and demand Loki go there and destroy it.
  
• You know, the Jim Carrey original made the Mask seem a lot more charismatic. Here, he looks a constipated man in an avocado mask and an acrylic toupee. "Don't you just love Halloween" is a bit of a comedown from "SMOKIN!" Everything about the way he wears The Mask looks fake. Even his hair. I get the feeling it wouldn't have even passed muster in the original film.
  
• This is the worst version I've ever heard of a Brill Building hit:
  
  
  Although I have to admit, I love the scene where the cars are dancing along to the song.
• Well, the Mask does have potential as an animated series. I know this because it lasted THREE seasons.
  
• I was going to ask how Jamie Kennedy's girlfriend knew she was pregnant the day after fucking him, but she just vomited bubbles. 
  
• Contrary to popular belief Thor is not actually Odin's brother. In the actual mythology he's - WHAT THE FUCK? That baby looks horrifying!
  
• And why is Loki that bee from the Nasonex commercials?
  
• And Jamie Kennedy's trying to feed the baby with a lamp that is still lit and has a broken light bulb. You know what, here's a film about the same themes of the horrors of fatherhood that's going to be far less horrifying for children: Eraserhead. 
  
• A particularly stressful babysitting job and now it looks like, remember that old urban myth where the babysitter is stoned out of their gourds and bakes the baby in the oven because they think it's a turkey? This actually feels like a plausible story development now. 
  
• And then, the dog puts on the Mask and somehow, HE says "SMOKIN!" and not Jamie Kennedy. And apparently, he wants to kill the baby and the baby wants to sent Jamie Kennedy to a mental hospital somehow. Dafuq?
  
• And he's singing "The Michigan Rag" in Bill Roberts' voice. I don't think the Mask ever worked that way. Then again, apparently, in the comics, the big characteristic personality was ax-craz - DID THAT GUY'S SKIN JUST MERGE WITH THE PLUNGER? DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO LOOK SO REPULSIVE?
  
• This dog's plan to get rid of the baby doesn't make any fucking sense: So he's hooked up to a car with a rope, and ends up in a baffling Rube Goldberg machinne where he's tarred and feathered ad immediately sent through a washing machine. And of course, La Gazza Ladra is the music they use. Of course.
  
• And does the baby have four dicks? Why did this film make me rewind that to confirm that they had at least four dicks all whizzing at different angles?
  
• So Loki appears to Jamie Kennedy and nothing happens. Why was this subplot even there? Of course, then he starts vomiting green while Loki's waiting in his car for an absurdly long amount of in-universe time.
  
• An axe with a gun? Why do I get the impression that that defeats the whole purpose?
  
• Loki has a lit stick of dynamite shoved up his ass and he doesn't notice? 
  
• I wonder how much Milton Bradley paid to have Alan Cumming and the baby go all Parasyte on a game of Super Twister.
  
• Where did that fucking monster car come from? Good God, he's on Fletcher Hanks mode!
  

Well, at least they keep up the Tim  Burton Batman feel of the original. Sometimes.

Also, on an amusing note, my Blu-Ray player refused to recognise the DVD as a proper movie file. I had to try again before it finally played. And seriously, is even New Line pulling the "different running times" trick on this one? The box says it's 86 minutes, when it's really 94:29.