RE: Giving up the fight
February 17, 2022 at 11:56 am
(This post was last modified: February 17, 2022 at 12:09 pm by emjay.)
Yeah, further to what Goosebump has said, I should probably add that, in my case, time has seen my family's attitudes mellow a little bit, nothing radical, but still noticeable change... little compromises... so in my experience, it does get better, albeit gradually. And just to be clear, by letting it be I didn't mean so much 'writing them off' as accepting them as they are, and likewise not so much writing them off as incapable of change, but choosing not to mentally invest in either hoping for/expecting that change or being an instrument of it.
Similar to how I feel about smoking; as someone who quit smoking a few years ago it always saddens me to see some of my friends still smoking, but at the same time, I know that quitting smoking is an intensely personal decision that no-one else can make for you - it only happens if or when you're ready in yourself, so as much as I'd like to encourage and help them to quit, I ultimately realise that's not my call and I'm not responsible for that. The most I can/do do is the odd nudge here or there, but with no pressure. So with that approach it came as an absolute joy to me when one day out of the blue a friend told me that he had quit. Since there had been no expectation on my part it came as a complete surprise, and that only made it even more joyful. He's been off smoking for a month or two now, and it's wonderful, so it's not that I didn't hope for change in some sense, but just that I wasn't invested in/dependent on that hope, such that it came as total pleasant surprise when my friend did quit.
Anyway, like Goosebump said, people can understand parts of each other without getting the whole, and I agree. I love my family and they love me, that much is not in doubt at all... realistically I doubt very much they will ever embrace the homosexuality, but that is not the be all and end all of me nor is their homophobia the be all and end all of them. According to a lot of Buddhist philosophy, it's concentrating on labels that brings division, but looking beyond them that unites, and I find that quite inspiring, and wish I could put it into practice more often.
One last thing is, both in my family's case, and I would guess yours also, there's no way a situation like this can't fail to create some sort of cognitive dissonance... some mental conflicts that people have to resolve and adapt to, one way or the other, so I think that kind of ensures it will bring change, and since people can't easily just write off love/family, I think there is reason to hope that that change will ultimately be positive; it may take some time, and compromise, and compartmentalising etc, but hopefully in the end you'll find some way to peacefully coexist/come together.
Similar to how I feel about smoking; as someone who quit smoking a few years ago it always saddens me to see some of my friends still smoking, but at the same time, I know that quitting smoking is an intensely personal decision that no-one else can make for you - it only happens if or when you're ready in yourself, so as much as I'd like to encourage and help them to quit, I ultimately realise that's not my call and I'm not responsible for that. The most I can/do do is the odd nudge here or there, but with no pressure. So with that approach it came as an absolute joy to me when one day out of the blue a friend told me that he had quit. Since there had been no expectation on my part it came as a complete surprise, and that only made it even more joyful. He's been off smoking for a month or two now, and it's wonderful, so it's not that I didn't hope for change in some sense, but just that I wasn't invested in/dependent on that hope, such that it came as total pleasant surprise when my friend did quit.
Anyway, like Goosebump said, people can understand parts of each other without getting the whole, and I agree. I love my family and they love me, that much is not in doubt at all... realistically I doubt very much they will ever embrace the homosexuality, but that is not the be all and end all of me nor is their homophobia the be all and end all of them. According to a lot of Buddhist philosophy, it's concentrating on labels that brings division, but looking beyond them that unites, and I find that quite inspiring, and wish I could put it into practice more often.
One last thing is, both in my family's case, and I would guess yours also, there's no way a situation like this can't fail to create some sort of cognitive dissonance... some mental conflicts that people have to resolve and adapt to, one way or the other, so I think that kind of ensures it will bring change, and since people can't easily just write off love/family, I think there is reason to hope that that change will ultimately be positive; it may take some time, and compromise, and compartmentalising etc, but hopefully in the end you'll find some way to peacefully coexist/come together.
