In previous years, I had a coping mechanism that worked really well for me. I would tell myself that God has already provided me with the resources (reason and an indomitable spirit) and the rest was up to me, that I would find a way to make everything work out. It was, I felt, a more empowering and responsible alternative to praying.
Coming out of school, I went on quite the "self-help" kick. This was at the time that "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" was published. I read Covey, Zigler and many others. I listened to Tony Robbins and went through his whole "Personal Power" program. It all dovetailed nicely with my deism and I felt like I could handle anything.
My peak was in 2001. My business was growing rapidly, clearing what I considered to be great profits after paying my salary. My biggest frustration then was finding qualified people to work for me in order to meet demand. The formula for success was so simple. Make sure you provide exceptional customer service, your quality is consistent and your delivery is punctual and you were guaranteed a good living. Those were the days, my friend, I thought they'd never end.
Things have been crumbling apart since, and really took a nose dive in the last few years. Hard work and dedication are no longer enough. Competition with Chinese outsourcing has devastated my business, literally slashing one of my departments in half and affecting all others. The destruction of the middle class has dried up demand, so that I'm fighting with China over much a smaller pie. Health insurance has skyrocketed in costs, so I can no longer afford to provide that benefit. I've had to layoff half my workforce and every day it feels like I'm scratching and clawing desperately just to get enough to keep my doors open. I feel like I've tried everything and yet each year we lose a little more ground.
Three years ago, my wife's health collapsed. Fortunately, we had health insurance so her care was only ruinously expensive as opposed to unattainable. It wiped out both of our retirement savings and plunged us deeper into debt. She effectively can't work now because of her condition and the medication she's on. It's up to me to keep us above water.
I have a condo I used to live in that I now can't sell. I call it my "personal toxic asset". I've been trying to sell it for years now, repeatedly slashing price until it was offered at little more than half of what I paid for it. Finally, I had a buyer lined up and ready to sign off on it. Unfortunately Fanny Mae and Freddy Mack have effectively made it illegal to sell a condo anymore.
Actually, the specific new Fanny and Freddy rule is if the condo is more than 10% of the total association, it automatically can't be financed, no ifs, ands or buts. Condo's offered to be sold at way under market value? Fuck you, no mortgage. Condo association is in rock solid financial shape with plenty of cash reserves? Fuck you, no mortgage. Buyer's credit score couldn't be higher? Fuck you, no mortgage. Since my toxic asset is a part of a converted old home with only 8 other units, that means I'd have to find a buyer who can fucking pay cash. Five different banks have all told me the same thing. There is no situation in which a buyer could finance a purchase of my condo at any price, with any credit score, having any amount of collateral.
I feel so stretched to the breaking point, both spiritually and financially. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. What's worse is I don't have any sense of control anymore. It's like it doesn't matter how hard I work, how dedicated I am, how high I jump when a customer calls. Time was there was no unemployment among technicians in my field. Now there are plenty knocking on my door looking for work, so I know if I go bankrupt there's no reliable fall back. And I'm caring for a business that's been in the family for four generations. I'm feeling like such a failure and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do differently.
I'm showing all the signs of severe depression. Hypertension, aches and pains, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, difficulty getting to sleep at night, inability to enjoy much of anything, feelings of hopelessness, I've gained nearly 50 pounds, the lot. My wife has encouraged me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist but I tell her this isn't just a state of mind. It's reality.
Thoughts of suicide? All the time. I sometimes think that the only thing that keeps me from performing wrist surgery or taking a dive off the 2nd street bridge is my concern for my wife. I'd be throwing her to the wolves, since there's not much she could do if I weren't around.
Coming out of school, I went on quite the "self-help" kick. This was at the time that "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" was published. I read Covey, Zigler and many others. I listened to Tony Robbins and went through his whole "Personal Power" program. It all dovetailed nicely with my deism and I felt like I could handle anything.
My peak was in 2001. My business was growing rapidly, clearing what I considered to be great profits after paying my salary. My biggest frustration then was finding qualified people to work for me in order to meet demand. The formula for success was so simple. Make sure you provide exceptional customer service, your quality is consistent and your delivery is punctual and you were guaranteed a good living. Those were the days, my friend, I thought they'd never end.
Things have been crumbling apart since, and really took a nose dive in the last few years. Hard work and dedication are no longer enough. Competition with Chinese outsourcing has devastated my business, literally slashing one of my departments in half and affecting all others. The destruction of the middle class has dried up demand, so that I'm fighting with China over much a smaller pie. Health insurance has skyrocketed in costs, so I can no longer afford to provide that benefit. I've had to layoff half my workforce and every day it feels like I'm scratching and clawing desperately just to get enough to keep my doors open. I feel like I've tried everything and yet each year we lose a little more ground.
Three years ago, my wife's health collapsed. Fortunately, we had health insurance so her care was only ruinously expensive as opposed to unattainable. It wiped out both of our retirement savings and plunged us deeper into debt. She effectively can't work now because of her condition and the medication she's on. It's up to me to keep us above water.
I have a condo I used to live in that I now can't sell. I call it my "personal toxic asset". I've been trying to sell it for years now, repeatedly slashing price until it was offered at little more than half of what I paid for it. Finally, I had a buyer lined up and ready to sign off on it. Unfortunately Fanny Mae and Freddy Mack have effectively made it illegal to sell a condo anymore.
Actually, the specific new Fanny and Freddy rule is if the condo is more than 10% of the total association, it automatically can't be financed, no ifs, ands or buts. Condo's offered to be sold at way under market value? Fuck you, no mortgage. Condo association is in rock solid financial shape with plenty of cash reserves? Fuck you, no mortgage. Buyer's credit score couldn't be higher? Fuck you, no mortgage. Since my toxic asset is a part of a converted old home with only 8 other units, that means I'd have to find a buyer who can fucking pay cash. Five different banks have all told me the same thing. There is no situation in which a buyer could finance a purchase of my condo at any price, with any credit score, having any amount of collateral.
I feel so stretched to the breaking point, both spiritually and financially. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. What's worse is I don't have any sense of control anymore. It's like it doesn't matter how hard I work, how dedicated I am, how high I jump when a customer calls. Time was there was no unemployment among technicians in my field. Now there are plenty knocking on my door looking for work, so I know if I go bankrupt there's no reliable fall back. And I'm caring for a business that's been in the family for four generations. I'm feeling like such a failure and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do differently.
I'm showing all the signs of severe depression. Hypertension, aches and pains, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, difficulty getting to sleep at night, inability to enjoy much of anything, feelings of hopelessness, I've gained nearly 50 pounds, the lot. My wife has encouraged me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist but I tell her this isn't just a state of mind. It's reality.
Thoughts of suicide? All the time. I sometimes think that the only thing that keeps me from performing wrist surgery or taking a dive off the 2nd street bridge is my concern for my wife. I'd be throwing her to the wolves, since there's not much she could do if I weren't around.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
