Anxiety/Depression/Mental Illness Support

[MilesTailsPrower]

I've taken everything into account from my past years, and the experience I'm having at the moment, and I've concluded that I could be Depressed. For the past 2 years (or more) I've been apathetic towards life. I have constantly been contemplating suicide, going over how and when I'm going to commit suicide, and when my carelessness for life is going to push over the edge and actually commit suicide. This feeling hasn't taken affect to my grades at the moment, I'm still maintaining all A's as a 9th grader (I'm 15) in Highschool, but I still have bouts of apathy towards my grades because I plan on ending it soon. I've been aloof to everything around me, and I have lost interest in everything, and I can't seem to fathom why I've lost interest in life. I think I've been experiencing insomnia, I've constantly woken up during the middle of the night, in which, last Sunday night, I went to bed at 10:00 PM for school the next day, and I woke up at 2:37 and stayed up the whole night, in a depressive manner contemplating yet again: suicide. I'm socially averse, I try my best to avoid social interaction with others, mostly because I don't feel comfortable socializing with anybody except certain friends. I'm fatigued most of the day, and I dread waking up from my sleep. I'd rather be dreaming, where my unhappiness in reality is diminished, and I'm in a euphoric mood with no stress at all. I feel ineffectual in life, I have yet to decipher any purpose in existence. My mood swings from feeling down to feeling euphoric and full of energy, only on certain occasions, in which, it is mostly a despondent feeling every day. I constantly wait for the day that I'm happy, which has yet to happen for a long time. Like a vexatious feeling when you've been deprived of sleep. This feeling has been in place for a few years, and has had an effect on my mental health and sanity, along with my social relationships. I try my best to hide it, and I've concealed my suicidal intentions from my parents. The only reasons I conceal my intentions is so I can actually commit my suicide, without any conjecture from my parents. At the moment, I don't even know if I suffer from Depression, because I'm not going to the doctor, and definitely NOT my parents. Since some members on this forum have experienced Depression, I would really like to know if these are symptoms of Depression.

Cheers!