Anxiety/Depression/Mental Illness Support

[Cosmic Ape]

I've taken everything into account from my past years, and the experience I'm having at the moment, and I've concluded that I could be Depressed. For the past 2 years (or more) I've been apathetic towards life. I have constantly been contemplating suicide, going over how and when I'm going to commit suicide, and when my carelessness for life is going to push over the edge and actually commit suicide. This feeling hasn't taken affect to my grades at the moment, I'm still maintaining all A's as a 9th grader (I'm 15) in Highschool, but I still have bouts of apathy towards my grades because I plan on ending it soon. I've been aloof to everything around me, and I have lost interest in everything, and I can't seem to fathom why I've lost interest in life. I think I've been experiencing insomnia, I've constantly woken up during the middle of the night, in which, last Sunday night, I went to bed at 10:00 PM for school the next day, and I woke up at 2:37 and stayed up the whole night, in a depressive manner contemplating yet again: suicide. I'm socially averse, I try my best to avoid social interaction with others, mostly because I don't feel comfortable socializing with anybody except certain friends. I'm fatigued most of the day, and I dread waking up from my sleep. I'd rather be dreaming, where my unhappiness in reality is diminished, and I'm in a euphoric mood with no stress at all. I feel ineffectual in life, I have yet to decipher any purpose in existence. My mood swings from feeling down to feeling euphoric and full of energy, only on certain occasions, in which, it is mostly a despondent feeling every day. I constantly wait for the day that I'm happy, which has yet to happen for a long time. Like a vexatious feeling when you've been deprived of sleep. This feeling has been in place for a few years, and has had an effect on my mental health and sanity, along with my social relationships. I try my best to hide it, and I've concealed my suicidal intentions from my parents. The only reasons I conceal my intentions is so I can actually commit my suicide, without any conjecture from my parents. At the moment, I don't even know if I suffer from Depression, because I'm not going to the doctor, and definitely NOT my parents. Since some members on this forum have experienced Depression, I would really like to know if these are symptoms of Depression.

Cheers!

I can relate a lot to what you're going through and I commend you right off the bat for recognizing you're an Atheist first of all because I had an identity issue growing up not knowing what an atheist even was I thought I was just the only rational person on the planet when I was your age, Atheism is so negative to people that it never got brought up and I didn't care enough about my beliefs to really care, just thought it was complete utter shit with no evidence (which hasnt changed). Like you, I grew up depressed, left out, socially anxious, unloved, and yes at times suicidal, even tried to MAKE people feel sympathy for me because I felt they didnt care if I was dead and thought the was world was apathetic towards me, that no matter what, I was running uphill (that hasnt changed either). And I'll be honest with you, suicide is a pretty natural feeling among most people, not that you should necessarily be thinking about it per say but its natural to think about death when you are sad or are reminded of it or thinking of a hopeless situation etc. By the tone in your text you sound like a depressed person but you dont need to be diagnosed for that, anyone can get depressed about anything.

I wouldnt say you are disinterested in life completely or you wouldnt have come here to talk with us, which I'm glad you did. You went out of your way to find like-minded people to lift yourself up above whatever situations you may be in, so we can try our best to work you through it and problem solve the best we can with love and understanding. But probably the most relevant part of your speech was the part about you being lathargic in general and preferring to be asleep to being awake because I once contemplated an opiate-type death anf even wanting to be in a coma. But I realized that so matter how mad and depressed I got, no matter how much I wanted everyone in the world to see my view, even if it meant by force, that my presence on the Earth does matter, positively or negatively, its just harder to impact in a positive way for all life.

Each person has the power to do a lot of things and anyone who tells you differently is trying to bring you down and hinder your dreams, fuck em, the best people in history went against the grain of the times to come up with the next best inventions, innovations and ideas. You absolutely are important in that you are a long chain of life that took billions of years to evolve and it would be a shame to just end your life because you cant find your quote on quote purpose, a big reality check you are going to learn is that the universe doesnt owe you a purpose, and there is a bit of religious undertones in your voice, I still do that a little bit too from the minor damages religion did to me as a kid but purpose is just a concept people put on a thing, if you want purpose you can have it and if you dont want it, you dont need it.

If I had to put a "purpose" on my life it would be just being alive, getting educated, educating others, trying to progress our evolution and reproducing to expand that chain of life, thats the only true purpose of my life or yours, to evolve as fast as we can and make it as easy for our kids to live longer and prosper etc until we are a self-sustainable society and further. If you want real purpose, you should look into Transhumanism, I promise it will arise your inner need for this idea of purpose or I dont know if anything else will. Anyway, yes I think you are depressed but thats not something you need necessarily need medication for, I was depressed for years (and to some extent still am and probably always will) but those bullshit pills from the doctor gave me more side effects than results and coming off of the drug was a nightmare, i had the shakes and i vomited for 3 days straight after going cold turkey from anti-depressant bullshit.

The best thing to do is really find out who you are and what you like, this is only possible through maturing through growing up, you display a lot of symptoms I had and maybe youre the kind of person that should be on medication if you are seriously going to kill yourself at such a young age but I urge you to really think about who youre going to hurt, you may say youre parents dont care or friends dont care but you should care about you more than they care about you. You have your whole life ahead of you to find a great girl who loves you for who you are, and friends who really understand you, I doubt you know any atheists at school, and guess what? neither did I and it was painful until I met like-minded people who didnt believe in such moronic hogwash. Trust me, being an adult changes everything, the lack of freedoms you have as a kid can be depressing but the rewards of being a loving educated sentient being is worth being alive tenfold over death.

Best wishes, Hitchslap (mike)