Anxiety/Depression/Mental Illness Support

[Creed of Heresy]

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I used to have catatonic schizophrenia constantly. I wouldn't even be aware it happened. I would apparently just cease talking, and would run on an autopilot, completely ignoring everything everyone said to me or even did to me unless it was an act of aggression which triggered an aggressive response. I wouldn't remember any of it. It seems it was induced by chemical imbalances due to, like what you had, drug abuse, once I ceased that, and underwent therapy and some pharmaceutical regimens it largely stopped. Had it happen only once recently and it wasn't exactly a full-blown attack. I was half-aware, but seemed to just...not be able to care, and I was reacting strangely and saying strange things. Hopefully, it's just an isolated case but if it happens again I'll have to go and talk to a psych again. I seem to have issues with anxiety but it's small potatoes to everything else and truth be told, with my income at a firm 0 right now I can't really afford to get it treated.

Did you ever experience any other types of schizophrenia?

Do you mean the other subtypes? No. I've never been overly paranoid and convinced someone is out to get me...though I do get wary around people, and even if I am just passing someone on the streets I feel a light instinctual tensing of the mind. I constantly feel like I am worried that whoever is within range of sight/sound may be formulating opinions on me, and to an extent that is highly unlikely, if not outright ridiculous. That and avolition, which I still have to do this day and will never get rid of, unless modern medicine does something to treat it. I get the desire to do things, to want to finish tasks and projects but I lose all motivation and desire before I can even gather it up. It's a struggle just to do trivial things like the dishes. Once I start, it's no problem, but actually doing it? Shit, it's getting hard to get the motivation to take a daily shower, or cook basic food dishes. I can look at a box of mac and cheese and go "this is tasty...but I just...don't want to have prepare it."

And so help the person who says I'm just lazy. This isn't laziness. Laziness is when you don't want to do something, period. I WANT to do these things...but at the same time, I can't seem to will myself into it. Like my mind says "yes" but then my subconscious goes "no," and my subconscious keeps winning.

And all I can do is wonder "why?" Why did this happen, why does it happen, why must it continue to happen? Why do I feel this way, why can't it be cured, why can't I just function, even SLIGHTLY like a normal person? God fucking dammit, is some TINY semblance of normality really so much to ask for?? Everyone jokingly says normality is over-rated but nowadays I hear that joke and I want to backhand the person saying it because dammit they have no fucking idea how normal they are compared to me and how much I want to be like them, even just a little bit, in that one simple way...

I can't even organize my thoughts for more than a few minutes at most. I'll start doing or saying something and end up a proverbial mile from the road I was trying to take. There's days where I'll wake up and every. Single. Fucking. Thought. Vanishes in the blink of an eye. I'll set a small, simple, exceedingly basic task for myself and forget what the fuck it was three seconds later and spend a good thirty seconds trying to remember what it was only to not follow through with it BECAUSE FUCKING DAMMIT I FORGOT IT AGAIN GAAAAAAAAAH!!!

I fucking hate my life. The one life I get and it's a clusterfuck of crossed wires and misfiring synapses... I don't even have the mercy of being blissfully ignorant of it. I'm fully aware. And I can't do a fucking thing about it.

"I have no mouth, and I must scream..."