RE: Anxiety/Depression/Mental Illness Support
June 6, 2012 at 3:11 am
(This post was last modified: June 6, 2012 at 3:14 am by Creed of Heresy.)
(June 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm)Shell B Wrote: Creed, I sometimes have freakouts where I think I should be institutionalized. If you're thinking that, you probably don't need it. Unless you are planning to hurt yourself or someone else. I find it comforting to have a list of help numbers. I have never used it, but I like having it there. If I feel nutty, perhaps someone can keep me on the phone until I feel better. That's my thinking on it.
Don't worry. So many people go through this and have great days in-between. If you're coherent, there's hope.
Coherency...
That's a loaded word for me. I am mostly coherent with other people though I have noticed and have been informed by others that I tend to lose track of my thoughts. I go into tangents very easily and sometimes can outright lose track of any kind of point I might have had. Rambling, basically. It's not too bad most days. But some days come where I simply don't bother trying to communicate with people. Any day I don't post on here? It's one of those days.
I kind of wish I had a list of numbers to call if I ever needed it. This is going to sound utterly pathetic, but...I really don't know that many people. Kind of the hell of moving every year or so, I never really ever have any roots anywhere because I've never bothered socializing. I kind of figure "why bother?" cuz every time I start making friends or whatever I just move and lose contact anyway. The few friends I held onto before...well, they've all fallen away. It's funny how time eventually lays bare the truth about people and you learn who really is worth your time...and who was actually a colossal waste of it.
I'm not sure if it's anxiety, exactly, but I have moments where I start to freak the fuck out and think intensely on certain subjects. I have a very intense preoccupation with death. It might be because it's had such a huge impact on my life.
Fuck, my entire life has been shaped mostly because of death, when I think about it. My very birth was accompanied by the death of my mother. The death of my father led to me and my brothers ending up in foster care, thus defining most of my life so far. The violent death of my girlfriend jaded me and has haunted me and kept me from ever getting into a lasting, meaningful relationship. The death of my friends and my best friend have always hindered my desire to make friends.
So I focus on death all the time. Nothing, and no one, can ever distract me from it. And it's something I'll keep thinking about until the day I die.
I think I'll follow you guys' advice and not go to a psych ward. I'm not a danger to others...and in truth I avoid conflict [guess why]. A danger to myself...maybe. Probably. Don't especially care.
I soberly wish I could give you guys some helpful advice on dealing with your anxiety completely. Just finally telling someone, anyone, about this is, for me, a relief. It isn't a solution nor a cure or treatment...but just for a short bit, for a few minutes...
It's like always suffocating without being able to die...and talking about this stuff...it's like a quick gasp of air. The suffocating feel returns really soon, but for a moment, that feeling is relieved.
