I've attempted suicide three separate times. All three times ended in failure. Well, I mean...maybe they succeeded in a sense, since life is all you have and if you end it, what do you have, right? You have absolutely nothing. Hell, LESS than nothing. First time I wanted to shoot myself. I didn't want to shoot myself in the head because I wanted to feel the last few moments of my life, so I aimed for the heart. ...Unfortunately my knowledge of anatomy wasn't too good and I was using a .22 with low-pressure ammunition so I put a non-lethal round into the opposite side of my body where my heart is. And a gunshot is kind of...loud. So people came rushing in, and the docs managed to stop the bleeding and patched my lung back up. Second time, I tried to hang myself. Fucking ceiling fan gave out. Third time I figured I'd jump from a bridge onto concrete. Broke both of my legs, sprained my wrists, dislocated both shoulders, fractured my left arm, suffered a concussion and fractured skull, but no loss of life.
I never told anyone ahead of time. I was numb to the world. I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to be stopped. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't even muster the will to feel sad. I just felt...a void.
If you feel distraught enough to call a suicide hotline but not distraught to the point of being incapable of feeling even overwhelming pain...take solace in that small fact. That you're still human enough, still conscious enough, to have some small piece of you still clawing at the desire to live. Find that little piece and focus on it. There is something in your life, something, or someone, that is giving you a reason to live. You may not be curable but you CAN be treatable, and treatment starts with you on this. Start by finding what it is that keeps you going. Devote yourself to it, pour what little energy you have left into it. I promise it will work.
I never told anyone ahead of time. I was numb to the world. I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to be stopped. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't even muster the will to feel sad. I just felt...a void.
If you feel distraught enough to call a suicide hotline but not distraught to the point of being incapable of feeling even overwhelming pain...take solace in that small fact. That you're still human enough, still conscious enough, to have some small piece of you still clawing at the desire to live. Find that little piece and focus on it. There is something in your life, something, or someone, that is giving you a reason to live. You may not be curable but you CAN be treatable, and treatment starts with you on this. Start by finding what it is that keeps you going. Devote yourself to it, pour what little energy you have left into it. I promise it will work.
