Anxiety/Depression/Mental Illness Support

[Angrboda]

zentor:

Meh. It's just your brain telling you bad shit. Not much you can do about it if medication doesn't help. You're simply going to have these thoughts, and it's going to hurt, until the weather in your brain changes. Not much you can do concretely. I understand you've suffered a long time. Over time of coping, even if you can't take hold of the storms and calm them, you will learn to see them for what they are, and that perspective can help. Over time you will learn to monitor your mind for abnormal thinking, to catch the mental undertow that is making all your thought go bad, unlike normal thinking, and when that happens you can switch modes, be less speculative, engage in activities that will tide you over until your brain rights itself (I used to work on computers during these times, as it was something I could do without thinking; and I used to avoid taking books out from the library, as doing so while depressed is a sure ticket to massive late fees — I've incurred over $100 in fines this month; and this probably doesn't apply, but I keep disposable plates and utensils, so the dishes don't pile; gear yourself for getting through it, and let go of trying to always be functional). Those skills will develop over time. Despite your mention of having been treated for 7 years, I get the impression you are still in the beginning stages of learning the coping skills; if so, that's a good thing, as things will improve along with your skills.

This is probably slim comfort for you, but as people get older, into their 30s and 40s, things tend to smooth out and become more predictable. With affective disorders, there tend to be two critical periods when people develop symptoms. The first is adolescence, the second in the mid to late 20s. It sounds like you got hit in the early period. I can't imagine what it must be like for you, but being young and coping with mental aberrations is bound to stretch anybody's capacity for coping. Give yourself some credit. You've made it this far. That's a good sign.

I don't know that I have anything more to add. I was struck with illness very early in life, and didn't have any real affective disorder issues until I was 16 or 17 with my first episode of major depression. At the time, because of how greatly impaired my thinking was, I presumed that I'd given myself brain damage from too much weed and booze. It's funny in hindsight, but it was very scary at the time. Anyway, I'm rambling. The one constant in my life that has always been there for me is music; I swear I'd be dead already if not for music. I hope you have something that gives you strength as well.