Bad Christian advice for dating, marriage, etc

[RichardP]

I'll start by discussing "relationship" advice that I think is bad.

When I was first starting out in college the Christians were pushing "Group dating" rather than dating one-on-one.

Well it is not easy to set up a group date. Especially if you don't know the girl that well. It is bad enough to have to call up the girl that you're interested in and ask her out, let alone having to call up other single friends and to try and set up a "group date".

And as I discovered -- on the first, and last, group date that I ever went on -- you need to establish who is with who ahead of time! I mean you're on the group date and the girl that you are interested is showing interest in you and talking to you, when suddenly another guy starts competing with you for her attention...

This is a really bad example of 'group dating.' When I was in that collage age group, i started a singles group in my church which originally consisted of 6 members, and just two years later there were over 70. One of the more successful things we did was Group dating. This was organized all by the group ahead of time where 6 random guys were paired with 6 girls by drawing names from a hat, and the 12 of us would all go to some event or meal and sit with and make the effort to talk to the person he/she was paired with. At the time I started to see the numbers start to dwindle, but then I noticed people dropped out of the group in pairs. They found someone they liked, and started to plan their own events with other couples. Their were 6 marriages and at last count 15 kids born as a result of the 'group dating' at our church. (Including me/mine.)

Your story about the group "dating" in your churches singles group made me remember something. This is going to crack you up. I was in a men's bible study (Campus Crusade for Christ), and the head of the bible study asked the head a women's bible study if they would like to go on a group "date" with us. She said yes and we made plans to go to a movie and get pizza afterwards.

Well, we went to the movie theater -- and some guys even bought tickets -- and we waited outside. But the women's bible study didn't show up. So the head of our bible study tried calling the head of the women's bible study, but she would not answer the phone. We got stood up!! hock: It was almost kind of funny. We were all dressed up waiting together outside the movie theater feeling like a group of idiots. So we left the theater and went to a little miniature golf, amusement park place. We played miniature golf, roared around on those little cars, did the batting cages, and played video games. It actually was kind of fun -- but still a little weird.

And I noticed that Christian groups were sort of class societies and there were certain guys who were allowed to just date one-on-one. Like the student leader of the church college group. At the end of the school year he announced that he was engaged and introduced his fiance to the group.

I said something to my friend like "I didn't even know that he had a girlfriend."

And he told me "Yeah he like to keep his personal life private."

"So he was just going on regular dates with her?"

And my friend looks at me like I'm an idiot, "Yes! He's a more mature Christian."

So?

It just seemed a bit hypocritical for him to stand up in front of the group and preach group "dating" while he did the standard dating himself. People in that group had gotten on my case because I had a "girlfriend" who I was just going on normal dates with. And no, at that time, I was not fooling around with her. They were honestly totally innocent dates.

I was a little annoyed. I was about the same age as him. What made me "less mature" of a Christian? Was it really any of their business? And I did not like that I was being viewed by them as "immature" -- almost like they were my superiors.

Then the Christians came up with the brilliant idea of "Courting" instead of dating.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtship

Courting i something far older than Christianity. In the above link there is evidence that points to ancient Greece and China.

Who cares how old it is? Certain ideas are not worth reintroducing.

Then there is the bizarre Christian preoccupation with masturbation. Why do they even worry about it?

It not masturbation that is the issue. It is the pornography that accompanies it that destroys one soul.

You know I never heard any porn connection mentioned in any of the talks about the evils of masturbation.

In one talk the speaker even argued that guys often resort to masturbating in the shower. And he suggested that the way to avoid that was to room with other Christians and always shower with the door open -- to resist the urge to masturbate..

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And I always hear Christians giving advice like "You need to be happy and well adjusted all by yourself before you consider dating and marrying. Because the woman won't fill that "void" in your life."

This is true. If not your relationship is doomed to fail. Because otherwise what ends up happening is the need person in the relationship end up taking from the other. Depending on who or how the other person is equip to deal in these type of relationships the relationship can go on for a while or it will fail quickly. Because in the end if one person is always taking from the other and does not give back to the other person (Which he/she can not do unless they are well adjusted themselves.)

Yeah but that can be true in any friendship. Do you tell that to a new kid at school who hasn't made any friends yet? Pull him aside and explain that the problem is that he is too "needy" and if he were to make friends he would just end up taking from the other kids -- and not giving enough to the friendship? And he needs to learn to be happy, and not lonely, by himself before he goes seeking friends?

The hell she won't! I have been my happiest and "best adjusted" when I was in a good relationship. Maybe a bad relationship won't fill the "void" but a good relationship sure as hell can! Of course people can argue "Well then why aren't you married to her?" And I have to admit that we were different. Different goals, different ambitions, and.... I financially wasn't ready to get married and support children.. And after a painful breakup she quickly married somebody else and my chances of getting back together with her were gone.

But the experience tells me that a good relationship can definitely fill the "void" -- the need to be with somebody to love and share your life with. And I'm not sure that I really regret the past relationships that did not make it. I have good memories and enjoyed life more at that time because of the relationship. I'd like to think that we both did.

Finding happiness and 'filling the void' is not the same. That would be like being hungry and then eating. It seems as if you are satisfied after you eat, but sooner or later you will be hungry again. Did you fill the void by eating or did you just fill an immediate need? When one fills the void we all have placed in our hearts, then He/She will never hunger again. This allows that person to be whatever the other person need their partner to be, give the couple a far better chance of overcoming things like Goals, ambitions, money, and even drug and or physical/health issues.

You are married. You have to know that a relationship is an ongoing thing -- just like eating. There are going to be ups and downs. Being religious will not necessarily make the relationship, or marriage, any stronger. Divorce rates will show you that. In fact for a while it was argued that the Christians had the highest divorce rate of all and the atheists had the lowest. Then recently surveys were taken again and the divorce rate was found to be about equal between Christians and atheists. The conclusion was that the divorce rate was up among the atheists because of our bad economy. And the reason that the Christians had the higher divorce rate before was that they didn't tend to do as well financially as the atheists.

That said i am not saying two messed up people can not find happiness together. I am pointing out these are the exceptions and not the rule.

I'm don't think that you should view yourself as "messed up" just because you really want to meet the right person and get married. I think that a better, more honest view, would be that you are a normal human being. And it is just as normal to desire a relationship with a member of the opposite sex as it is to desire friendships.

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Any group that finds it necessary to implore the superiority of the 'side hug' to its sexually repressed flock, for fear of arousal, has no business giving any type of relationship advice.

For the uninitiated:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZnmTiqEikg

Christians should also stay the fuck away from rap and rock & roll.

That video is downright embarrassing!!!