I'd be surprised if there was a woman out there who didn't have questions about this very topic in their own personal experience. I know I do- I think about things that happened 20 years ago and still wonder what was what (like wondering the morning after whether or not I had actually consented when stone drunk and having a vague memory of wishing he would get off me and expressing that and being held down and then just acquiescing to get it over with- but it was all so damned vague because of the Stoli).
In my experience, most cases are not clear-cut stranger rape. But all of these "he said, she said" cases results in women who feel really humiliated and abused (in the experience I described above, I felt these)- sometimes with men who are totally clueless as to why. Some women call it rape, some chalk it up to bad decision-making and decide to lie back and take it and call it a bad sexual experience rather than fight, get overpowered, and know for sure it's rape. It's often easier to just go through it with the illusion of consent than to struggle and then have to call the police. Are these men bad people? They are often drunk, too, and fired up by the woman in question. It's sometimes hard to judge them as sexual criminals forever.
But.
No matter what, making absolutely sure your partner is expressing enthusiastic, ongoing consent is pretty important. If you aren't absolutely sure your partner is digging it, ask. Then keep asking. Then no one has to have uncomfortable memories that with a few different words or actions could have turned into serious legal matters for all involved. Since I've never met a woman who didn't have an uncomfortable story to tell about this (even if it didn't end up with sex- maybe just too aggressive fondling or patting or pushing for more), it's clearly something men and women need to talk about more often.
In my experience, most cases are not clear-cut stranger rape. But all of these "he said, she said" cases results in women who feel really humiliated and abused (in the experience I described above, I felt these)- sometimes with men who are totally clueless as to why. Some women call it rape, some chalk it up to bad decision-making and decide to lie back and take it and call it a bad sexual experience rather than fight, get overpowered, and know for sure it's rape. It's often easier to just go through it with the illusion of consent than to struggle and then have to call the police. Are these men bad people? They are often drunk, too, and fired up by the woman in question. It's sometimes hard to judge them as sexual criminals forever.
But.
No matter what, making absolutely sure your partner is expressing enthusiastic, ongoing consent is pretty important. If you aren't absolutely sure your partner is digging it, ask. Then keep asking. Then no one has to have uncomfortable memories that with a few different words or actions could have turned into serious legal matters for all involved. Since I've never met a woman who didn't have an uncomfortable story to tell about this (even if it didn't end up with sex- maybe just too aggressive fondling or patting or pushing for more), it's clearly something men and women need to talk about more often.
