(November 1, 2013 at 2:23 am)Ivy Wrote: I like it. Now the feedback...
I would consider using the word "handsome" less and change it here and there for something else, so it's not redundant.
I would also suggest more context. You could add to the history in order to make the characters appealing and create a sense of attachment to the storyline (engage the reader). When the reader feels attached, it's difficult to stop reading.
In my opinion, I like what Cinjin suggests about Satan's personality, but I also like the personality you gave him. I think it's compelling. I felt myself feeling guilty for hating him at one point. I think in this case it depends on what you want out of this story. It could take different roads and give it a different meaning. What do you want?
This is what I meant. Of course I like people to tell me they like it, but I like them to add the feedback to it. It helps.
I'd love to read it again if you do end up polishing it. I think you got yourself a good scene!
I am not good at expressing myself in English. When I talk I am translating from Spanish to English as I speak (in this case write). I hope I made sense.
Oh you made great sense ivy I love your feedback! I just hope this story falls in good context with he next stories i intend to write. Though maybe this one needs some love too.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
