(November 1, 2013 at 1:48 pm)max-greece Wrote: I liked it but it needs a lot of work. Several sentences are fragments aside from the one already pointed out.
Some of the action is a bit confusing - I didn't get how everything was suddenly plunged into darkness as it was apparently already night.
You've made the whole ensemble much more human that I think I would have done - jugular vein? On an angel? Stabbed through the heart?
There is definitely something there. I have seen other stories with role reversals for God and the devil. You might want to get hold of a copy of the Deathbird Stories (Harlan Ellison). That is a collection of short stories but the last one is the Deathbird story and that is the one that would be of interest.
Making the devil blond is a nice touch - I'm assuming you have done away with the horns, tail and red complexion. The fedora is hilarious. Definitely keep that.
I was actually toying with the idea that the devil can change forms, and as in the story make himself into darkness. Also I think I'd read Harlan Ellison because its Harlan Ellison, I seen his one star trek episode and it was amazing.
Beyond that I hope to have a revised draft in a few days.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
