Feeling like dying

[feeling]

I feel like I'm getting murdered. I was born. And I found happiness. But my grandfather was destroying it with his behavior.
Then I found happiness. And it was destroyed by my mothers stupid decisions.
Then I found happiness. And it was destroyed by people in my school.
Then I found happiness. And it was destroyed by few people.
Then I found a little sense of safety and good feeling. And it was fucking destroyed by few people. Fuuuuuuuck.

So then I decided to buy a gun and shoot myself in the head. But oooooh there is this fear of hell creeping in.
Can't even shoot myself. Interesting.
Btw I can't seem to find happiness anymore. Seems like everything is burned.
Also there are bunch of people who make my life not possible to live and if I would kill those people tonight(which is impossible even if I wanted to) I would live much easier.

But what I hate most is that people put shit inside my brain. I found happiness and people always find a way to get under my skin and destroy it. But shooting myself in the head does seem like a possible idea since I REALLY doubt god would send me to hell even if he would exist.
Besides if I do shoot myself in the head god would know why I did it. I would not need to explain anything to him.
Besides if he would torture me for suicide he would torture me in any case probly.

But I do feel sadness cause I see lots of negativity.
I met some very bad people. And I also stumbled upon a video where people were ruining another persons life. Just for the lulz. I felt kind of sad. But what I do hate about this world is the cause and effect.
That bad thing that is done can't be undone. I hate it. And I hate the stupid people around. They fill me with their poisonous shit. They infect my brain with it. But I do have hope for this human race. Cause when I see some people I love(Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris to name a few but there are many others) I feel like it will be good. Not now. But far far away in future. Maybe in 1000 years. People will figure everything out. But I am afraid I am not part of that future. I lost track. But dying is a little bit scary. Especially when it's suicide and all the bullshit that people say about it.

Also I hate my mother. If not for her I would not be who I am(and I like who I am I just feel like I am getting murdered by bunch of people and bad information). But if not for her bad things would not happen to me. I would simply avoid those things. I always come up with good solutions when it's too late.
I didn't tell people to fuck off enough. I listened to them too much.
And I'm like "ok from now on I will find a way" but no something gets fucked up again. FAIL!

Right now I feel a little bit awful. Like there was good treasure which I lost and will never find. Oh I hate that feeling so much. If I was never born it would be a better option. But yeah here we are. I think that's it for now.

There is too much confusion, negativity and bullshit in this world. Too much yo. I can't find a way around it.
And I think I want to kill religious people. I feel they poison me to. The hate the hate.
It's also funny that religious people have lots of hate in them as well. But I guess they got god who backs them up.
I apologize for random style but I can't find other way to say it.