CHISTIANS PLEASE EXPLAIN

[Ryantology]

Firstly, and most importantly, no children were harmed in the making of this story. Or bears, if that's more important to you. It's a story. Children die in stories all the time, and no-one gets irate. Hansel and Gretel? Pied Piper?

Nobody lives their lives under the assumption that Hansel and Gretel represent the real world in any way.

Secondly, it's not about baldness. There is no indication anywhere that Elisha went prematurely bald, and he lived long after these events. Elijah had only just gone to heaven, and the context makes it clear that Elisha had done the ritual head shaving that was funeral custom at the time.

No, it's not about baldness. It's about a god who really has a holy boner for disproportionate retribution.

Thirdly, the Hebrew words used for 'boys' cover a spectrum from ankle biters to army ready young men. Think 'hoodie'. And lots and lots of them. Not nice if they take agin' you.

Thirdly, the age is irrelevant. Murder doesn't become acceptable just because they weren't all actual children.

Fourthly, the town was a hotbed of religious tension, and the youths were on the God-disliking side. The writer is clearly telling us it's all about to kick off, with 'it' being Elisha's head.

Which explains why the rather odd phrase “Go up, you baldhead!” (ESV) gets used. It's not a normal term of threatening. They're basically saying “You're now going to follow your BFF in departing this earth”.

Fourth, murder doesn't become acceptable just because they're not on the same side.

At which point in the story, God intervenes to protect His servant against His enemies; a bear, which was probably in the woods for the well known reason, and didn't appreciate the disturbance, decides to demonstrate the possible consequences of excessive noise.

He could have 'protected' his servant without the mass slaughter.

It's a parable. It picks up on a number of key themes that occur throughout the OT. God looks after those of His people who are faithful. If God's people bring up their children to oppose God, it doesn't end well. It's a warning to the nation. Otherwise, nothing to see here.

It's a message that God really just likes any excuse he can think of to kill people, when he even bothers with excuses.

I know there's musicals about Joseph, about Moses, and about Jonah. I'm thinking it's time to put pen to paper on this one.

Good idea. We can even make it a children's story, the same way that we take global-scale genocide and teach kids to praise the killer in this story:



If we can make kids think that those lonely survivors of deliberate mass murder are happy and cheerful, surely we can sell this to them as well.