Atheist Jokes

[theophilus]

A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!" The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, so he sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the Christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!" The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again, it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

Here is a story about a man who made the same mistake this atheist did:

There was a man who had complete faith that God would protect him no matter what happened.

The Weather Bureau predicted that the town he lived in would be flooded and the government sent out workers to warn everyone to evacuate. The man told the person who delivered the warning to him, "I have faith that God will protect me. I don't need to leave."

The flood came and water filled the first floor of the man's house and he had to flee to the second floor. As he was looking out the window some people came by in a boat and offered to take him to safety. He told them, "I have faith that God will protect me. I don't need your help."

The water rose and filled the second floor and the man was forced to climb up on the roof. A man in a helicopter saw him and offered to rescue him but he said, "I have faith that God will save me."

The water continued to rise and the man drowned. In Heaven he said to God, "I had faith that you would save me from the flood. Why did you fail me?" God replied, "But I didn't fail you. I sent you a warning so you could have left before the flood came, and when you stayed I sent a boat and a helicopter to rescue you."